Are you wondering: Why Can’t I find a lasting relationship? Well, you’re not alone. Despite all the choices we seem to have both on-line and off, a great lasting relationship is still very hard to find.

In this episode of Ask Dr. Diana, I answer an email from a 38-year old with this very question, “Why can’t I find a lasting relationship?” She says, she’s tried everything. I prescribe a powerful intervention for this frustrated gal.

Check out the short vid below.

Why Can’t I Find a Lasting Relationship? Ask Your Closest Friends, Family and Even Your Last Ex

Go to your best friends, family and even your ex. Ask them for constructive feedback on how you come across. Your attitudes. Your behavior. And your personality. What would they like to see you change in yourself? It takes guts to do this. But remember, no guts, no glory. Did your ex tell you that at times you were arrogant, judgmental or always needing to be right? Are you picky, picky, picky when it comes to your suitors or even friends? What other feedback did they give you? Tell them that finding a lasting relationship is so important to you that you’re willing to hear it all, the good, bad and everything in between.

Why Can’t I Find a Lasting Relationship? The Not-Perfect-I’ll-Pass Dating Pattern

 One of our coaching clients, Jana, was sick of being lonely, single  and alone.  She asked her closest family and friend to give her feedback about what she was doing to undermine her own chances at love.  What she discovered is that she had what we call the Not-Perfect-I’ll-Pass dead-end dating pattern. This meant that she tended to sit on her high horse, judging each match’s physical qualities or behavioral traits. This guy was too paunchy, too bald, too old, too young, or even too good looking; that one had hands that are just too small. Other deal breakers Jana had included that the man had bad taste in music, a cheesy sense of humor, was boring or was too predictable. Jana’s closest friends said she was an amazing woman but she was just too picky! 

Jana’s coach pointed out that her negative judgments were usually based on superficial traits. Her coach didn’t stop there. You tell yourself it’s because you’re not willing to settle. But guess what? These complaints have nothing to do with the qualities that make for a partner who can provide lasting love and happiness for you.  Study after study has shown that the most important variables leading to happy relationships and marriages are a guy’s (and your) character virtues, especially empathy, concern for others, and willingness to grow.

Why Can’t I Find a Lasting Relationship? Projection

Jana was deeply curious about her pattern of not being willing to settle.  She realized that she unconsciously projected her own feelings of inadequacy onto each guy she met.  Once she stopped doing this, Jana met an amazing man who was truly crazy about her and willing to grow.  She saw that he was not perfect, but that he could grow into an almost perfect match for her.  Thanks to her relationship coaching, Jana’s pickiness disappeared and now she’s happily married and expecting her first child.

Why Can’t I Find a Lasting Relationship? At Times, You’re Picky and Contemptuous

Research shows that contempt kills off the possibility of love.  In fact, if you’re like Jana, instead of being nitpicking and acting out of repulsion, it is important that you change your perception. Yes, you change! Notice what is really at the guy’s core in terms of his values and character. If you don’t, your judgmental beliefs and the attitudes associated with them set up a whole host of negative vibes.  Trust me most great men who are looking for a long-term relationship don’t want that. What they really want is warmth.

In fact, you could have already thrown away perfectly great guys, any one of whom would have brought you happiness.

So, here’s my challenge to you. Next time, when you ask: why can’t I find a lasting relationship, commit to giving the guys who express an interest in you a real chance. For example, if you find yourself thinking, I’m not willing to settle. And then getting turned off by something small. Try a better way. Focus instead on something you like about the guy. Especially if he is willing to grow as a person. If you spark chemistry with him, he could be a better and better match for you over time.

Why Can’t I Find a Lasting Relationship? Other Dead-End Dating Patterns

There are also other dead-end dating patterns that have to do with feeling like you are not good enough in one way or another.  Or that you are too shy, too demanding or don’t really listen to your partner.  In fact, it is crucial to be brave and face your own self-sabotaging behaviors.  So, if you are single and sick of being alone, and you want help in understanding how to have a breakthrough to love, definitely have a gift session with one of my amazing coaches.  We have helped 10s of thousands of people just like you, in a way that no other dating coach does. 

And remember, watch the video below for more answers to why can’t I find a lasting relationship?