When You Can’t Find the One: 4 Things to Remember
Four Things to Remember When You Feel Like You Can’t Find the One
Is your heart broken? Has your love life gone to sh*t ? Are you feeling like you just can’t find the One? This hopeless feeling, this dead-end idea can be so devastating! The suffering of loneliness and heartbreak that you feel is real. It occurs in the part of the brain that experiences physical pain. And it is powerful. As the poet Kahlil Gibran said, “Even as love crowns you, so it shall crucify you!” And when you are disappointed, abandoned, alone, betrayed or cheated on, it can feel like it is killing you. You may even be attacking yourself, saying, “I blew it!” “I screwed up and lost my one and only soulmate!” “There’s something wrong with me—I’m too old and too fat!” We really need to banish this kind of awful self-sabotage. So here are four things to remember to overcome your hopelessness:
When You Can’t Find the One Tip 1: Remember it’s not about what has happened or is happening. It’s about the meaning you give it.
You break up with a guy and think I’ll never find love because there’s something wrong with me. Or I’m too old now and there are no good men left out there. Or I just lost my one true soulmate and no one else can ever be near as good! I call these negative knee- jerk thoughts, relationship-killer beliefs. It is these thoughts that cause all the suffering and pain. Not “what he did” or “what he didn’t do” Your awfulizing thoughts are the culprits! And they are just thoughts. They are not true! I will say that again, they are just not true! Even though they feel awfully true. There is nothing wrong with you and there are good men out there. The reality is that dating and finding the One (or Ones, which I will discuss next) takes time. It simply takes time.
When you you can’t find the One Tip 2: Remember there is more than one soulmate for each person!
In fairy tale land the prince, the one perfect guy is out there. You come together and bang—true lasting love! But in real life there is more than one soulmate for each person! How do I know? Because we have given 10s of thousands of sessions to single women all over the world. They come to us devastated because they lost a guy who they believe is their one and only soulmate. They are in despair and have lost hope. But the miracle is that, as they go through coaching, so many times they find another soulmate—and the new guy is soooo much better than the original!
For example, Jody was a nurse in her late 30s who was super busy with work and had very few dates. She met a guy who she thought was the great love of her life in college. He desperately wanted to marry her. However, Jody not feel ready and said no. They broke up and he rebounded with another girl. When she started coaching she was fixated on her ex’s Facebook page, with all the photos of his gorgeous kids. It was crushing. Then Jody came into coaching -and learned that her heart was closed because of that early experience. She BELIEVED she lost her one and only soulmate and it was game over for her.
Then her coach pointed out that that was just not true—that there were others who could be incredible matches. Heartened, Jody started dating and found a new soulmate, a man who is even better to her, who treats her like a queen. Her new hottie is a better fit than her first boyfriend! The have shared service projects and great travel adventures. And Jody is over the moon.
When you feel like you can’t find the One Tip 3: Remember, your pain is teaching you an important lesson.
The pain you feel is real. But think of it like touching a hot stove. if you ask, what is this pain teaching me? The answer will come up in your gut, as an intuition. You will know where not to go. Not to stay isolated, like Jody was. Or to pick someone who can hurt you in the same way as your ex. Not to choose a player, a narcissist, an alcoholic or a disinterested guy.
Your pain is teaching you something. And your pain is a badge of honor. You are still wondering about love. Haven’t gone comfortably numb. You haven’t given up. You are still feeling and still alive. If you become numb like so many people, you would be putting your heart in a cold hard coffin, never to get out there and feel again. Never to experience love again. But your pain means that you are not doing that! It is a badge of honor.
When you feel like you Can’t Find the One Tip 4: Remember, your pain means your heart is still alive!
Your sadness, your wondering about love is a badge of honor. It means you haven’t gone dead inside. Gone numb. Given up. Like so many people do! You are still feeling and still alive in your heart. If you become numb like all the closed-down women, you would be putting your heart in a cold hard coffin, never to get out there and feel again. Never to experience love again. But your pain means that you are not doing that! You are still in the game. No matter what you have suffered and gone through. Please remember, It is a badge of honor!
Remember these four things when you feel like you can’t find the One and you will be much happier and moving forward to a great soulmate match that much faster!
If you want to read more about what to do when you feel like you can’t find the One, pick up a copy of Love in 90 Days. It is full of break-through exercises and gives you a complete road map to love!
And if you are feeling very stuck and would like one-on-one encouragement to help you leap forward on your dating journey, definitely take advantage of a free session with one of my awesome Love Mentor® coaches!
Now check out this video that will help you when you feel like you can’t find the one.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.