When You Can’t Find the One: 4 Things to Remember

cant find the one

Four Things  to Remember When You Feel Like You Can’t Find the One

Is your heart broken?  Has your love life gone to sh*t ?  Are you feeling like you just can’t find the One?  This hopeless feeling, this dead-end idea can be so devastating! The suffering of loneliness and heartbreak that you feel is real.  It occurs in the part of the brain that experiences physical pain.  And it is powerful. As the poet Kahlil Gibran said, “Even as love crowns you, so it shall crucify you!”  And when you are disappointed, abandoned, alone,  betrayed or cheated on, it can feel like it is killing you.   You may even be attacking yourself, saying, “I blew it!”  “I screwed up and lost my one and only soulmate!”  “There’s something wrong with me—I’m too old and too fat!”  We really need to banish this kind of awful self-sabotage.  So here are four things to remember to overcome your hopelessness:

When You Can’t Find the One Tip 1: Remember it’s not about what has happened or is happening.  It’s about the meaning you give it.

You break up with a guy and think I’ll never find love because there’s something wrong with me.  Or I’m too old now and there are no good men left out there.  Or I just lost my one true soulmate and no one else can ever be near as good!   I call these negative knee- jerk thoughts, relationship-killer beliefs.  It is these thoughts that cause all the suffering and pain. Not “what he did” or “what he didn’t do” Your awfulizing thoughts are the culprits!   And they are just thoughts. They are not true!  I will say that again, they are just not true!  Even though they feel awfully true.  There is nothing wrong with you and there are good men out there.  The reality is that dating and finding the One (or Ones, which I will discuss next) takes time.  It simply takes time.

When you you can’t find the One Tip 2: Remember there is more than one soulmate for each person!

In fairy tale land the prince, the one perfect guy is out there.  You come together and bang—true lasting love!  But in real life there is more than one soulmate for each person!  How do I know?  Because we have given 10s of thousands of sessions to single women all over the world.  They come to us devastated because they lost a guy who they believe is their one and only soulmate.  They are in despair and have lost hope. But the miracle is that, as they go through coaching, so many times they find another soulmate—and the new guy is soooo much better than the original!

For example, Jody was a nurse in her late 30s who was super busy with work and had very few dates. She met a guy who she thought was the great love of her life in college.  He desperately wanted to marry her.  However, Jody not feel ready and said no.  They broke up and he rebounded with another girl.  When she started coaching she was fixated on her ex’s Facebook page, with all the photos of his gorgeous kids.  It was crushing.  Then Jody came into coaching -and learned that her heart was closed because of that early experience.  She BELIEVED she lost her one and only soulmate and it was game over for her.

Then her coach pointed out that that was just not true—that there were others who could be incredible matches. Heartened, Jody started dating and found a new soulmate, a man who is even better to her, who treats her like a queen.  Her new hottie is a better fit than her first boyfriend! The have shared service projects and great travel adventures.  And Jody is over the moon.

When you feel like you can’t find the One Tip 3: Remember, your pain is teaching you an important lesson.

The pain you feel is real.  But think of it like touching a hot stove. if you ask, what is this pain teaching me?  The answer will come up in your gut, as an intuition.  You will know where not to go.  Not to stay isolated, like Jody was.  Or to pick someone who can hurt you in the same way as your ex.  Not to choose a player, a narcissist, an alcoholic or a disinterested guy.

Your pain is teaching you something.  And your pain is a badge of honor.  You are still wondering about love. Haven’t gone comfortably numb.  You haven’t given up.  You are still feeling and still alive.  If you become numb like so many people, you would be putting your heart in a cold hard coffin, never to get out there and feel again.  Never to experience love again.  But your pain means that you are not doing that!  It is a badge of honor.

When you feel like you Can’t Find the One Tip 4: Remember, your pain means your heart is still alive!

Your sadness, your wondering about love is a badge of honor.  It means you haven’t gone dead inside. Gone numb.  Given up.  Like so many people do! You are still feeling and still alive in your heart.  If you become numb like all the closed-down women, you would be putting your heart in a cold hard coffin, never to get out there and feel again.  Never to experience love again.  But your pain means that you are not doing that! You are still in the game.  No matter what you have suffered and gone through.  Please remember, It is a badge of honor!

Remember these four things when you feel like you can’t find the One and you will be much happier and moving forward to a great soulmate match that much faster!

If you want to read more about what to do when you feel like you can’t find the One, pick up a copy of Love in 90 Days. It is full of break-through exercises and gives you a complete road map to love!

And if you are feeling very stuck and would like one-on-one encouragement to help you leap forward on your dating journey, definitely take advantage of a free session with one of my awesome Love Mentor® coaches!

Now check out this video that will help you when you feel like you can’t find the one.

find mr. right this year
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Sign up here for a powerful gift!

FREE Top-Tier Love Strategy Session!

Limited time offer

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.


Are you a successful woman who is tired of having NO good men to date?  THIS  is for you!

Hi, I'm Dr. Diana Kirschner. My team and I have helped thousands of successful single women, including judges, famous shrinks, CEOs, philanthropists, Directors, professors, and celebrities like Hoda Kotb from The Today Show to find a high-quality man who understands, appreciates and cherishes them, and I'm confident we can help YOU too!

I'm a PBS Love expert and psychologist who has appeared on Oprah, the Today Show and in an Amazon Prime show, Love in 90 Days based on my bestseller Love in 90 Days.  My work has been featured in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, ABC, People, and NPR.

I specialize in helping high-caliber women create feminine self-confidence, dating success, and passionate love matches.

I want to do everything I can to give you hands-on personalized support that will make a lasting difference!

That's why I'm excited to offer a FREE Top-Tier Love Strategy Session via Zoom or phone with one of my gifted coaches.

During your powerful and dynamic one-on-one session, we will help you with your unique dating situation. You'll walk away refreshed and inspired, with a clear step-by-step path forward to move through any obstacles and get the top-tier love you want.  And deserve!

"I followed the program and enjoyed the process. I appreciate Dr. Diana planting very helpful seeds!"
-Hoda Kotb, The Today Show

Here's what women like you are saying:

"My love strategy session helped me to meet a really high-caliber guy!  In it I learned how to tweak my profile to attract great matches.  And my boyfriend is the best!  We are having a blast building our dream house and planning for a cruise to Tahiti ! -Darla, Psychologist & Author

matchmaker, dating coach, dating tips, dating & relationship advice"I was fifty-two years old with a career that was enviably successful. But my love life was not. And I couldn't figure out why. As my love mentor, Diana helped me understand that I not only deserved to have but could have a strong, loving life partner who would always be there for me.  I found true love in three months! And after 4 plus years of marriage, my husband and I still pinch ourselves every day to make sure that it's not a dream!" - Midge Woolsey, PBS Pledge Host

Leave a Comment