Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Signs to Help You Know
Many of you have written to me recently with the same question as Maryanne:
“I still love my ex and I think he still loves me. Should I get back with my ex or should I just try to forget him?” -Maryanne, Baltimore
When my expert dating coaches and relationship experts have delved into the “should I get back with my ex” situation, we’ve found that often, even though your relationship is officially “over”, he may suddenly resume his normal e-mails or texting you. Or even call you and ask to get together. But before you rush back to your ex and pretend that everything is business as usual, ask yourself: What’s really changed?
Get Back with my ex?
My relationship advice to Maryanne, was simple: Give him some more contact but do not make it too easy for him. For example, in the first few interactions with her ex, I suggested to Maryanne that she challenge him by asking if he has had any further thoughts about the breakdown in their relationship. He wanted to see her, so she just scheduled a half-hour coffee date and made sure that afterward she had other plans. I warned her to not wind up impulsively sleeping with him again when he hadn’t demonstrated much transformation. This is the kiss of death, and I have seen it happen all too often. And then you have to move on. In this case, Maryanne pulled it off perfectly and later I’ll share with you what happened.
Seven Key Signs to Answer : Should I Get Back with my Ex
Now let’s look at 7 key signs to look for to answer the question,”Should I get back with my ex?” There are a number of others that we teach in our Dating Coaching program but we don’t have room here. Here’s the guiding principle: In order to have more and more contact with you, your ex has to show that he is sincere. Words are cheap. More important, watch for his follow-through on actions he promises you. To help you determine whether you should get back with your ex, study if the separation has helped your guy achieve a breakthrough in his commitment to you. Has his acting out stopped? Finally, have his doubts about you and the relationship changed for the better?
Look at the list below and see if he shows at least 3 of these signs, ranging from modest improvements in behavior to deep transformations.
Seven Signs of Change in Your Ex
1. He shows you that he’s worried or upset (this is realistic if he really cares for you!).
2. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it, and where you’d like to take it in the future.
3. He realizes what he did wrong and is sincerely apologetic (not defensive).
4. Wants to make things up to you.
5. Suddenly saying all the things you used to say about the relationship being great.
6. He expresses his appreciation for you and all you bring to his life.
7. If he has cheated, he cuts off contact with his lover.
If he demonstrates three or more of these signs and does want to get back with you, make sure you are having serious conversations about your future. Also, determine what it’s going to take to get your relationship to a deeper level. I recommend couples counseling or Love Mentoring with one of my expert relationship coaches. Remember Maryanne? Her ex showed 3 of these key signs and followed through with a few more thoughtful gestures that really touched her heart. With the help of her relationship coach, Maryanne took a firm stance about what she needed from her ex. And within 12 months they were happily married.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.