What Should You Do When The Relationship Is Moving Too Fast?
Has This Happened to You?
From the moment you met eyes, it seemed like fate. You just knew he was the One. Moving too fast was the last thing you were thinking about. You rushed in and had great sex. Only to find heartbreak. Because, the truth is, you were moving too fast. In fact, much more quickly than usual. Why? In order to spend plenty of time and share yourself fully with him.
I know: He was everything you’re looking for. He said and did all the right things. The chemistry was off the charts. You even found his quirky habits adorable. In fact, you totally believed he was IT. And so you before you knew it, you threw caution to the wind and jumped into a relationship. You spent a glorious weekend together and were already planning a vacation to Cabo next month.
Well, you just committed the number one dating mistake singles make.
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The #1 dating mistake: Moving Too Fast
I call this dating mistake — this tendency to move too fast — The Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. I’ve worked with so many women who have had this happen to them. It’s gut wrenching! When the guy is acting like you’re the One and showering you with attention, it’s hard to resist. The problem is when you are moving too fast, you end up missing red flags. And you’re at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you.
As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. When we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. You become like a craving coke-addict obsessed with your new (drug-like) boyfriend. Losing touch with reality, you see only the positives in the hottie. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix. And you’re hot wired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things. Whatever it takes to be with him.
Because of this addictive tendency, it can sometimes take months even years to get over the short-lived relationship with the man you didn’t actually know that well. And that is time you’ll never get back.
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What Research & Game Theory Say about Moving too Fast
Have you ever wondered if it’s better to wait to have sex? Well here’s some dating and mating advice about moving too fast from a mathematician and economist. These researchers used game theory in a study that shows that a longer courtship before having sex allows the male to show that he is “good” from the female’s vantage point. “Goodness” was defined as his perceived willingness to care for children and the mate after sex. Enough said, if you want to be in a committed soulmate relationship or married with children! The study, by Seymour and Sozou, is appropriately titled “Duration of courtship effort as a costly sign.”
IMO, this study is amusing in that the researchers actually use value-laden terms of “good” and “bad”. In my view there is nothing “wrong” with having sex. But jumping into an intimate relationship or simply hooking up before you know someone are not usually great choices for either a man or a woman. If they have a goal of creating a true long-term love relationship.
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Why the numbers guys have it right about moving too fast
As we said earlier, moving too fast and having sex prematurely drives up levels of the hormone, oxytocin, which in turn can create a strong biological attachment. Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone. Throughout the whole sexual act you will experience increases in this hormone. This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you know: a) if you like them; b) if they are the kind of partner you want; or, c) whether they want to be in a relationship with you.
In addition, moving too fast into an intimate relationship can cause the release of dopamine, which is the infatuation biochemical. This means your body may organize you to feel like you are wildly in love. Even if this person is not someone who will be the kind of partner you truly want. As I’ve said, moving too fast into the relationship is the number one mistake in dating.
Bottom line on Moving Too Fast:
Until you get to really know someone, it’s not manipulative if you hold off on sex. This is true for both men and women who are interested in a long-term relationship. It is not some secret agenda that you have to hide. Instead, it has to do with being clear about one’s relationship goals. And finding someone who is truly compatible and mature, who knows how wonderful you are and shares a similar vision.
The decision to wait is totally in line with the powerful Dating Program featured in my bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Our love mentor clients are having great success in finding soulmates online and off and creating true love and committed relationships. How? By first casually dating a few guys and not having sex with any of them. At the outset of dating a little kissing and canoodling is OK. Until they meet the right One. Even then they wait to have sex and are avoiding moving too fast. When you follow this mating advice, you be more likely to find the One. And then, you will have the juicy, true love connection that feeds the soul.
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Moving Too Fast? Six Things to Do Now
- Stop the 5-hour dates. Less frequent and shorter dates will slow down the addictive process and allow you to assess whether this is a good guy who is truly interested in being with you.
- Write up a list of his negative traits. The addictive brain chemistry blinds you to his faults. This will help you be more realistic.
- Continue to date other guys. This forces you to slow things up with the hottie. Best way to avoid the #1 dating mistake.
- Do not have sex for at least two to three months. Sex releases the bonding hormone, oxytocin, and will bind you to him even more.
- Ground your mind with meditation, yoga or other mind/body practices. This offsets the speedy quality of the love addiction.
- Distract yourself. Taking on a major project at work, going on a business trip or vacation with girlfriends, changes your focus and slows down the addiction.
But if you’re moving too fast in a relationship or he’s pushing too hard, we’re here to help! As a PBS love expert, I’ve helped tens of thousands find true love. I will personally match you with a gifted dating coach who will give you a free session by phone or Skype. This is time-limited, so Click Here to change your life.
As a relationship expert, I've helped thousands of women get the love they want - even when it seemed impossible. I’m Dr. Diana Kirschner. You might know me from my PBS Special, seen me on Oprah, or have read one of my bestselling books.
I want to do everything I can to give you hands-on personalized support that will make a lasting difference.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
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