Understanding Men: How to Avoid Non-Committal Guys & Other Heart-Breakers
Understanding men is crucial in helping you avoid the non-committal guy, players and other heart-breakers–so that you can finally create the love you want. It is also key for your own self-esteem and happiness. When you learn to clearly see and understand his patterns, you will be able to a handle a man who plays games. And even more crucial is that you can free yourself from second-guessing about what you did wrong whenever a relationship falls apart.
By better understanding the men you date, you will be able to let go of thoughts like “I should have told him how much I enjoyed the concert he picked out and that I would love to go again! That’s why he’s not texting.” “My thighs are so big and I wore that clingy dress. That’s what turned him off!” “He broke it off because I am——(old, needy, successful, have kids, am fat.” (Fill in the blank.) When we don’t understand our partner’s minds and things blow up, it is ultra easy to go into knee-jerk negative self-blame: “It ended because of something I said or did, or something I didn’t say or do.”
Understanding men can liberate us from these self-blaming thoughts. Instead, we can more easily say—and understand—“It is not just about me. It’s about him and his issues.”
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Understanding Men: Study like an Anthropologist
In order to have this kind of emotional freedom in dating it is important to be like an anthropologist in the world of men—to study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes. You need to suspend judgment about what a man ought to be like. We expect a lot based on fairy tales, rom-coms, and the media: the all-perfect prince is supposed to come along and sweep us away to the magic kingdom of love. But real life is not a fairy tale or a movie. There are no perfect guys. Of course, you also need to examine your own self-sabotaging dating patterns and be on top of them. Understanding yourself is critical for your own growth. But beyond that, I want you to get the importance of understanding men.
Sometimes a guy is so entrenched in his dating game issues that he will act the same way with most any woman. He is caught in a behavioral loop, an unconscious program he is totally unaware of, that is running in his mind. Chances are he will play out the same scenario with the next six women he dates. If he is truly caught in his own Dead-End Dating loop, there is nothing you can do to change him. Not even you can succeed—I know what you were just thinking!
Understanding Men: What Should You Look For?
Here are nine key questions to ask yourself on your journey to understanding men:
- What does he say about the possibility of real love, you, women in general? If he is very negative and pessimistic, this is not a good thing.
- How does he talk about his past relationships? Read between the lines here. Does he carry lots of negativity towards his ex? Can he tell you what he did wrong in the relationship? Even if he was dealing with a crazy b#”ch, chances are he was not perfect. But if he totally blames his ex, he may be a narcissist who breaks your heart.
- What can you notice that reveals how he thinks about his own future in terms of a long-term relationship or marriage? Doe he ever mention this? If not, this could be a negative sign for commitment.
- How does he describe other couples? If a friend of his is getting married, is he cynical? Does he describe his married buddies as trapped in some way? This could mean he is a non-committal type.
- Does he say it would take a good three to four years to know if a person is ready to be with someone? Again, this could be another sign of an inability to commit.
- Does he say love never lasts? If so, it may be time to cut your losses!
- Do you see him ogling other women? If so he might be a player.
- Did his parents stay married, and, if so, how does he describe their relationship? If divorced, did they remarry successfully? Do they go to church? These signs are more positive.
- Does he have any role models who have shown him what a good marriage is like? This could be very telling about his readiness for lasting love.
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Understanding Men: Is He Willing to Grow?
The next step is to find out if a guy is willing to grow and work on his issues. If he is self-reflective, willing to take advice, in a growth course, being coached, or in therapy, he is showing signs of working on himself. You may meet an older or more evolved man who has grown beyond his self-sabotage, leaving only traces of it in his current life. If a guy has a few Dead-End Dating Patterns, yet he is working on himself and crazy about you, he may become a great partner for you. Once again, no man is perfect. But then, of course, neither are you. The question is how much does this man want to have love, that is, love with you in his life? And what is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience?
Understanding Men: The Program of Three
In the very beginning of a relationship it may be very hard or even impossible to know for sure if a guy is caught in any one Dead-End Dating Pattern. Many of the patterns start out with a perfectly great opening phase. This is another important reason why it is a powerful protective step for you to go on what I call the Dating Program of Three. The idea is that you see three guys at the same time, without getting too involved initially. I know, you can’t even find one good guy to date! But you can remedy that by using the tips in Love in 90 Days. If you use the dating program of three you can see the guys romantic patterns more easily. Plus, by going slowly, you will be able to see each one’s Dead-End Dating Patterns emerge.
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Understanding Men: Go with Your Gut
In understanding men, it is key to ask yourself the questions above and simply go with your gut. Your intuition will tell you the truth about a guy! You can see clearly when it is time to stay and work on the relationship or when it’s time to cut your losses and go. If you’re having trouble deciding, take advantage of a free breakthrough to love coaching session with one of my gifted Mentors.
As a relationship expert, I've helped thousands of women get the love they want - even when it seemed impossible. I’m Dr. Diana Kirschner. You might know me from my PBS Special, seen me on Oprah, or have read one of my bestselling books.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
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