Have you ever wondered about how some people manage to go from heartbreak to happiness? Well, this interview with one of our coaches, Debbie Rivera, will show you how you can transform your heartbreak to happiness and true love.
How can you help someone go from a broken heart to being truly happy?
When you heart is broken one of the first things you experience is the tremendous loss of a part of your life. You want it back! It belonged to you and now it is beyond your grasp. No matter what you try, it feels like you can’t get it to return. That is when the fears and doubts begin to play tricks on your mind and now every moment you come up with ideas about how to get the person to return to you. So the first order of business is: you must work through the fears and doubts. Do you fear being alone forever? Do you doubt that you are even lovable? What is the real loss you are experiencing? What is the lonely future you are seeing?
You are panicking and that is quite understandable. You hurt and you can’t stop the tears. It is OK to feel this way. You have to begin a process within yourself. I call it a journey. It starts with feeling your feelings, feeling sad and lonely. It takes some time, but as you feel them, they pass and the happiness will come.
How Angie Went from Heartbreak to Happiness
One of my coaching clients comes to my mind. She is such a kind and caring woman– who went from being completely devastated and heartbroken to being empowered and truly happy. Her name is Angie and she is amazing! When we started working together she had experienced heartbreak in the summer and was still carrying strong feelings for Mark eight months later. They really got a long well at first and then one day he told her he had to leave for an out of town work-related trip and that he would call her. He didn’t call and just disappeared! Her heartbreak was huge. This was such a low blow.
But the great news is now she has two great guys who are interested and are STUDS as Dr. Diana puts it. By the way she’s in her late forties, has never had children but wants them, and has never been married. So I want you to realize that you can turn your heartbreak into happiness too!
What did she do that took her from Heartbreak to not one but two great guys?
It was definitely a journey and it didn’t happen overnight. It took time but she stayed at it. I have to tell you that there were times when she felt like giving up. She kept working at it and that allowed her to move forward even it was just in baby steps. When we first started working together, she couldn’t get past the fact that he just disappeared. Oh she went on dates but found them all boring and always wished she was with Mark. She didn’t enjoy the dates at all and just didn’t see the point of dating at all.
Our early conversations were about the hurt, loss, and regrets of being without the man she believed she was to be with forever. She felt betrayed by the promise that he would call her while he was away when he hadn’t contacted her at all. Those thoughts just broke her heart all over again. She was lost and couldn’t even begin to move on until she was able to get an answer for what happened in the first place. They got along so well. They had great times together. How could things change so rapidly? It was painful and sad and no one else came close to being what Mark was. She felt that she must have been the problem – that Mark did not like who she was.
Something had to change from despair to hope. We had to find out together what was really underneath all of this for Angie. Her Relationship-Killer Beliefs were holding her back from anything, even the possibilities of a new love.
What do you mean by Killer Beliefs?
The best way to explain your Killer Beliefs is to have you imagine an iceberg. The things we know and are aware of are above the surface of the ice berg. Now you know that an ice berg can extend all the way down to the ocean floor where we can’t see how far down it goes. That is the same thing for your Killer Beliefs. These are negative core beliefs you are holding onto that you are unaware of and they are not in your conscious mind. You just are not aware you are believing hopeless thoughts about yourself, about men and about love.
I really get excited when helping someone with their Killer Beliefs because I always want to take them where they want to go!! And when we work through these beliefs we can remove the roadblocks that get in their way. You too have roadblocks. We all do. So together we bring them up to the surface so we can work through them. Beliefs are a choice. I asked Angie to look at what she was choosing to believe about herself and about love and that changed her life. In the book, Sealing the Deal, there are some excellent exercises for understanding and getting rid of killer beliefs.
What happened next with Angie?
What I call her journey to a Smartbreak instead of Heartbreak!! I asked her to take a break from dating for a while. I also asked her to send a simple email to Mark. She didn’t want to at first but together we came up with one that she felt okay in sending. He immediately responded back and asked to see her. They met and had a great time. He asked to see her again and didn’t show up! He called and told her something came up. This just confused her more. She was really being cautious this time around and wanted to protect her heart.
Angie was beginning to notice who she was when they were together. It was all about him. She had to build him up and reassure him. Angie is such a great listener and really caring and nurturing. She never liked hurting anyone’s feelings let alone speaking up with her truth and have her deeper needs met. But she sure wasn’t comfortable with the way that Mark was treating her. She gave him one last chance and guess what, he left her stranded after promising to be there again. No phone call, no text, nothing!
How did she get through that heartbreak to happiness?
During all of this we were working on why she was always protecting herself and only letting a guy get so close. She started opening up and realized that in fact she deserved far more than she has ever received. Angie is such a giving person and it was high time she experienced receiving. She also had difficulty talking and was a much better listener. Now I realize that for some of you it can be just the opposite. That is okay just give yourself permission to receive more, know that you deserve more, and never settle for less.
Sometimes we are not even aware of the impression we are giving out to those we date. Make sure you let the guys know you had a great time. Tell them at the end of the date. Open your heart and mind again. Angie did. She started dating again. This time she did things with an awareness and confidence that she never had before. It started out slowly. She went on two different dates with 2 different guys that allowed her to see the difference in the way she could be treated. Both are smitten with her and interested in a long-term relationship. The next decision she will make is to choose someone who will be by her side. She will get married and have the family she’s always wanted. She is taking heartbreak and transforming it into the happiness she deserves.
You can find the love you deserve where you feel fulfilled and happy. Start with the Killer Beliefs. Find out what you are choosing to believe. Then I want you to ask yourself what the truth is–about what you truly deserve and want to create in your life. I want you to take one step forward away from heartbreak and one step closer to real happiness. You can do it.
Thank you, Debbie, for your wise words. Check out this inspiring case study for over 40 women written by another of our coaches.