If Only I Found the One

Many believe that if they found the One, life would be perfect. If only we found the One, then love would be easy and effortless. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn’t match their ideal of The One. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

I’ve been a psychologist for more than 35 years. And I’ve been married to one guy for the same long and passionate stretch. Without a doubt, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband or any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

Research shows that people who are of similar levels of  attractiveness and educational levels are more compatible.  But we are a long way from understanding how two people come together to form a happy couple.   While I don’t believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).

Ten Signs You’ve Found the One

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if you’ve found the One:

1. When you’re together, you feel real, relaxed and at home.

2. You feel like your love is meant to be.

3. When you talk together you quickly understand each other.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you’re together the world seems better and brighter.

6. You are happier when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or being turned on, although that’s there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s her or his expressiveness or ability to accomplish things.  You feel more complete.

8. Being in this relationship opens up a sense of hopefulness and possibilities for the future.

9. You can speak your truth, even when it is about a difficult topic with your partner.

10. Being together brings out the best in each one of you.

So Have I Found the One?

If you can say yes to  five or six of these signs, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities.  Couples who have lasting passionate  love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. Even though they hit downturns and have problems at times (all couples do!) the overall trend in the relationship is positive.  This is true even in long-distance relationships where due to career issues the partners can’t live together for years.

That kind of growth has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally with Sam, my husband of over 25 years. After a lot of hard work that gift continues to this day! And it is a real blessing.

You can have this blessing too!  Your chances of finding your soulmate are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.  That means that it often comes from a person who initially you think is not your type!  So go outside your normal pattern because if you are willing you will be more likely to find your soulmate online or off.

If you are dealing with a guy you Really want Right Now or in a relationship that isn’t moving towards commitment, pick up a copy of the best-seller Love in 90 Days.  Tens of thousands of women have found the one just by following the book’s program.