Successful Women Dating: Thinking of Hiring A Matchmaker?
Thinking of Hiring a Matchmaker?
Are you feeling frustrated with dating? Many women end up hiring a matchmaker out of a feeling of stagnation, frustration and disappointment in their love lives. However, for a myriad of reasons, matchmaking may be a less-than-optimal choice. Let’s look at the pros and cons of hiring a matchmaker vs. a relationship coach.
Hiring a Matchmaker: Fees
A matchmaker’s fee is typically about $5500 for only 6 introductions in 6 months, or $7500- $10,000 or more for 12 introductions in 12 months. The fees can range much higher. All fees are due up front, and there are no payment plans. In addition to these upfront payments some matchmakers have success fees that are in the $100,000 range. There are no refunds.
Most matchmakers view women over 40 as an unworkable group because the male clientele they have either want to start a family and therefore want a younger woman, or simply want a young “arm candy” girl. The majority of matchmakers do not want to work with women over 40 because they cannot produce results for them. That is unless they are particularly affluent. In that case the upper echelon matchmakers will charge $40,000 to $50,000. Unfortunately they often have a disproportionate ratio of women to men. This creates many unhappy women. So think about these fees before hiring a matchmaker.
Who Are Matchmakers’ Primary Clients?
Many matchmakers only take men as their “real” clients. Women join their data base for free and therefore the matchmaker is not working on their behalf. In the unusual circumstance that the matchmaker selects you as a match for one of her clients, and he agrees, the matchmaker will contact you for an introduction. The odds are slim. When a woman hires a matchmaker, he/she is not really working for her.
Hiring a Matchmaker: Typical Skills
Typically matchmakers are not trained as coaches and they have minimal training / skills in what makes relationships work, or not work. Their training is more focused on early stage date coaching vs. true relationship coaching. How do I know this? Because I’ve hired successful matchmakers to become Love Mentors. And they had to undergo extensive training and supervision to be able to help our clients.
Of course, this training and knowledge deficit is not true of all matchmakers. Just most of the ones I’ve run across in the past 20 years.
Matchmakers learn about the client as they work with them. Trying to understand what works for the client in a partner as they introduce them to potential matches. It takes several introductions to begin to understand what the client likes. And, what the client likes is not always what works best (old patterns). So often, the matchmaking engagement is unsuccessful with frustration on both sides. The matchmaker is having trouble making the client happy. The client is not meeting the right people.
Hiring a Matchmaker: Dead-End Dating Patterns
Matchmakers work only with their client base and data base for matches. Typically, one match per month is what a client can expect. This limits opportunity for meeting /dating multiple people. On the other hand, in dating and relationship coaching, which we call Love Mentoring®, the client is continuously meeting new candidates. She will look together with the Mentor at a much larger pool of eligible men. Love Mentors encourage casually dating a few men at the same time. This concept is not possible with matchmaking.
Many women end up hiring a matchmaker because they are frustrated. They are not meeting the right people and they do not know why. They want the matchmaker to fix things. A matchmaker slowly learns about the client’s dead-end dating patterns as they make matches and introductions with their clients. This creates repeated failure experiences.
Love Mentoring vs. Hiring a Matchmaker
In contrast, Love Mentor® coaching is based on:
- tens of thousands of hours of clinical experience
- research about successful, loving men and how to find them
- studies on how to form great relationships
- the nuts and bolts psychology of committed love and healthy relationships
- along with very practical knowledge that leads to creating optimal and fulfilling relationships.
It is possible to be an effective relationship coach without doing matchmaking. It is not possible to do truly effective matchmaking without doing coaching. This is where many if not most matchmakers fall short, and where Love Mentors® excel.
Love Mentoring: Fees and Time Spent
Love Mentoring® is available at far less cost than matchmaking, offers a refund policy and works particularly well with women over 40. A typical 12-one hour sessions package costs between $2000-$3000 (USD) depending on the seniority of the coach. This fee includes email back-up, texts, and a complete remake of your online profile. I personally rewrite your profile, based on research and a great deal of clinical experience with dating sites and apps, so that you attract the very best men.
There are also less expensive ways to enter our type of relationship coaching. Smaller packages with less frequent sessions are also available. We have made Love Mentoring available at virtually all price points.
Matchmakers do not spend a lot of one-on-one time with their clients. Their numbers prohibit this. Once a client signs up with a matchmaker they usually work with a “dating specialist” who selects their matches for them based on certain criteria. In Love Mentoring®, the client and the mentor work together, and, the client is always connected to the mentor through phone and Skype Sessions, email and texting, providing continuous support. Not just once a month dates and feedback. This level of mentoring and support lays a very strong foundation for creating a fulfilling love relationship.
Mentoring® starts with a free strategy session by phone or Skype for women and men around the world. More than 10,000 people took advantage of this gift and many were able to radically transform their lives without paying a penny.
Hiring a Matchmaker vs. Love Mentoring®: Process Considerations
Matchmaking looks at the “how” and the “what” of prior and future relationships. Love Mentoring® looks at those two things, as well as the “why”. Thus the client begins to understand themselves better, learns what patterns and self-sabotaging behavior and beliefs are causing them to repeatedly select inappropriate partners, or what is preventing them from finding the right partner and why.
A Love Mentor helps the client understand (and deal with) those deadly dating patterns up front, thus saving the client time and disappointment. And preventing the endless cycle of falling back into those habits. Once the client has clarity and knows what they are looking for and what has prevented them from meeting the right one, a unique dating strategy is put in place. The Love Mentor® works with the client one-on-one on a weekly basis or bi-weekly basis to help implement that strategy and create success.
Many people come to matchmakers thinking they are ready to find love (or have the matchmaker find it for them!) when they may not be ready. Love Mentoring® addresses the issue of readiness and this ensures that the client approaches dating and relationships ready for success. Mentoring shifts the mindset from having someone chosen for them to being “at choice”. In other words, the client gets to choose who is right for them, who is worthy of their love, their time, and their attention.
Fishing vs. How to Fish
There are hundreds if not thousands of variables at play in selecting a great partner. Some are conscious and others unconscious. It is therefore extremely difficult for another person to get a perfect match for a client. For example, the unmet needs of the client and the baggage she brings to an intimate relationship are often barriers to lasting love. A well-trained mentor can help her client understand her unmet needs and help support how those needs are fulfilled.
For example, we look at the TTLC needs of every client. Those are the unmet needs for appreciation, validation, nurturing, as well as needs for self-discipline and boundaries, plus envisioning and empowering love intentions. In Love Mentoring, we help the client to fulfill those needs and thus heal from past relationship wounds and traumas. This process opens the door to a lasting passionate relationship.
While a matchmaker “fishes for the client,” a Love Mentor® dating coach teaches the client “how to fish.” That is, where to meet successful loving men, how to use online dating sites and apps and what to do once they have met a great guy. If there are no successful matches during the small window of time during which the matchmaking contract is in effect, the client is no better off than before. In contrast, Love Mentoring offers tools for the rest of a client’s life. Our clients are empowered to make real choices in their love lives.
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Bottom Line: Hiring a Matchmaker vs. Love Mentoring®
In fact, some matchmakers have been so frustrated themselves with their lack of success that they have left that business in order to be trained as Love Mentor® Coaches. They feel that they are now making a real difference in women’s love lives.
For all these reasons—the huge cost, the problem with helping over-40 women, the difficulty with helping resolve client’s self-defeating patterns, and the inability to provide ongoing relationship coaching, plus the poor overall success rate, matchmaking can be a problematic choice. On the other hand, Love Mentor® coaching may be right for you.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.