Starting a Healthy Relationship Online

starting a healthy relationship online
Are you wondering how to go about starting a healthy relationship online?  It can be very challenging, for sure.  You may see a guy whose photo and profile are very attractive to you.  You wonder, how do you make yourself stand out among all the zillions of other women who are also interested in this man?  How do you connect to him digitally to set up a healthy relationship from the start?  Well this blog is for you!

There are specific keys to communicating online that will help you to connect to someone who is on your wavelength and potentially a healthy relationship match for you!  Let’s start with five messaging tips that make him beg to meet you.

Starting a Healthy Relationship Online Tip #1: Focus on Similar Interests

Shared interests are very important to a lasting love relationship. For an initial message reaching out to a new match, share a specific experience you enjoyed related to an activity he mentions in his profile and add a question about it. For example, if he mentions Chaco Canyon, you might write, I love Chaco Canyon!  I got a very cool piece of Anasazi pottery from the Heritage Center that I keep in my office to remember that sunset.  Did you get go on that crazy pink jeep tour?

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Starting a Healthy Relationship Online Tip #2: Start a positive cycle of interaction.

For example, give him a sincere compliment. Something like, I just started running myself and noticed you did half of the NYC marathon. Not too shabby!   Then see if he responds in kind.  If he is not appreciative of the compliment and sharing some compliments of you, move on.  You want a guy who has a positive, validating interaction with you!

Starting a Healthy Relationship Online Tip #3: Use his name if you have it and flirt by throwing in a bit of a challenge. See if he responds in kind.

Using his name is a third powerful way to create a feeling of connection between you.  If he’s into football, something like, Well, Jason, what about a Ravens-Saints Superbowl matchup? The young QB vs. the Hall of Famer? How cool would that be? This kind of flirting, is TOTALLY IRRESISTIBLE to a man who is a good soulmate match.  See if he flirts back with you.  Flirting is a key component of healthy relationships.

Starting a Healthy Relationship Online Tip #4: Be upbeat and fun.  See if he is upbeat and funny himself.

For example, you could say, I just had a breakthrough in my lasagna recipe! One taste and you’ll be hooked (fair warning).  See if he responds in kind.  A healthy relationship is filled with fun and laughter.  Shared humor is a part of the bonding process that is very powerful.

Starting a Healthy Relationship Online Tip #5: Be honest but no confessionals.  See if he responds similarly.

You don’t want to message him about how you drank all last night and are sick at work now.   Nor do you want him to do the same.  If he is giving you overly personal info or confessionals, head for the hills. Being with someone who has poor boundaries or acts out in a negative way is not a set up for a healthy loving relationship!

So there you have five online dating communication tips that will have him beg to meet you. Ideally, you want about 3-4 fun flirty messages on the app, 2-6 text exchanges, and then to meet for coffee.  But don’t get stuck in a fantasy messaging relationship with the “perfect” guy whom you never talk to on the phone.  Even though you may feel intimidated, having a real conversation will give you so much more info about your match. So that you don’t waste time.  You can feel a guy’s energy, his mood, and whether he is a good conversational match for you.  In order to have a healthy relationship you  want to be weeding out what I call the DUDs (Definitely Unsuitable Dudes), and a phone call is a very efficient way to do that!

Bottom Line

In fact, in our coaching program we have found that STUDs (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dudes) will often call in the beginning without the woman asking to talk.  They are the more successful guys who also don’t want to waste time, so they are more interested and willing to connect via phone. A guy’s availability for talking with you is very telling!  On the other hand,  if he doesn’t meet with you after two or three weeks after matching on a site, or a week or so after an app match, move on.

For example, one millennial, Kelley, was a sloe-eyed brunette who came into our coaching program because she was burnt out on Tinder– and Match before that!  She had a pattern of getting lost in texting with guys who never spoke to her on the phone and never made a date.  Kelley was sick of the whole digital dating world.  Her coach taught her these online dating communication tips and the rest is history.  She found guys who shared her interests, started lively flirty exchanges with them, faced down her own fear of talking to new matches on the phone and started ruling guys out who didn’t step up.  Kelley wound up dating two great guys who are seriously crazy about her (in a great way!)

There are amazing matches out there for you too.  Now one in every three marriages in the U.S. start with an online connection.  And they are healthier marriages that last longer!


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Are you a successful woman who is tired of having NO good men to date?  THIS  is for you!

Hi, I'm Dr. Diana Kirschner. My team and I have helped thousands of successful single women, including judges, famous shrinks, CEOs, philanthropists, Directors, professors, and celebrities like Hoda Kotb from The Today Show to find a high-quality man who understands, appreciates and cherishes them, and I'm confident we can help YOU too!

I'm a PBS Love expert and psychologist who has appeared on Oprah, the Today Show and in an Amazon Prime show, Love in 90 Days based on my bestseller Love in 90 Days.  My work has been featured in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, ABC, People, and NPR.

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