Nine Relationship Tips to Spark Chemistry with a Good Man

Relationship Tips to Spark Chemistry with a Good Man

Do Nice Guys Finish Last in Your Dating Life?

Have you ever wondered, How do you spark chemistry with a good man? Well, you’re not alone. Here’s an email I recently got from Rachel:

“Dr. Diana, I truly am ready to have a real relationship. With a nice guy. A good guy. I’m sick of my lousy choices! I just found out that Bob, who I dated six years ago and who was crazy about me, the guy who wanted a serious relationship with me– but I blew off… is married with two adorable toddlers.”

We’ll catch up with Rachel later on. Maybe like Rachel you’re done with players, the ones who come on strong and disappear, cheaters and all-around heart-breakers. You’re sick of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed, furious and depressed. Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears. Your mind tells you that choosing from a pool of nice guys will save you from more wasted time with men who are not into you. Or scoundrels who betray you or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. You’re ready for a partner who is your best friend.

Tips to Spark Chemistry: You just don’t feel it with the nice guys.

No tingle. No adrenaline rush when he looks into your eyes. You wonder: How do you spark chemistry with the one guy you met online, the paunchy one? He’s a great guy, successful, giving, crazy about you, and even has nice eyes, you think. But you’re not feeling like he’s the right one and what’s worse you don’t know how to spark chemistry with these nice guys. Are you doomed to only be drawn to those you can’t have?

Answer: No you’re not.
I’ve worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma: how do I spark chemistry with a good man? And where are they now?  They married great guys.
So what are the secrets that these women have used to be in committed relationships with great guys, good men who have integrity and are loyal.


Here then are nine relationship tips that my Love Mentors® share with their clients. Please use them to join the ranks of women who overcame their initial lack of attraction, learned how to spark chemistry and fell in love with terrific guys.

#1. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Remember to give him a real chance.

Even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive.  In fact, you want to date against type. Be honest with yourself: Has dating your type gotten you anywhere?  Even if the first date doesn’t blow you away, remember to stay open.  Go for at least a second or third date.  You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone by one meeting.  So you have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides.  If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance.

#2.  Tip to Spark Chemistry: Practice my Opening Possibility Exercises Now (OPEN.)

If a guy seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy–use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there.  First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes.  As you interact, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful.  This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection!

#3. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Go on dates that are exciting, novel and get adrenaline pumping.

Novel and exciting experiences can spark chemistry. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, rock climbing at his gym, take a helicopter ride, try hiking on a high, winding trail or wind-surfing, make a mad dash to catch sunset at the beach, scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused, whether by joy, fear, or any feeling, fall in love more easily.  As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”

#4. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Use affirmations before each date.

I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in (his name). This man is a present for my enjoyment. Over time, I will learn more about him. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I spark chemistry with (his name).


#5.  Tip to Spark Chemistry: See him in his element.

For instance, plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band or his softball game.  In this example, you will catch sides of him you haven’t seen before.  His personal power and charisma will be at their height. So you may open up a host of juicy feelings and spark chemistry between you.

#6.Tip to Spark Chemistry: Turn yourself on first.

For example, go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes.  Flirt with him, touch him lightly, whisper in his ear and maybe kiss him. So spark chemistry with him by putting yourself in the mood first.

#7. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Use the magic phrase to ask for what you want.

So the magic phrase is, “I would really love it if you (fill in the blank!). For example, “I would really love it if you kissed me soooo gently on the back of the neck.” If he responds with sensual moves based on tips 6 and 7, your ‘spark chemistry experiment’ may prove to be the start of something great!

#8. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Be patient!

Keep on dating that nice guy and practice the tips above. Remember, sparking chemistry, like lighting a fire in the woods, sometimes takes some time!

#9. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Remember, that love almost always comes in a surprise package.

In fact, most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. For example, the woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer.


What Happened to Rachel?

And Rachel, remember her? She worked with one of my Dating Coaches and created a gem of a marriage with a tall plain geek who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life. So practice these nine relationship tips to spark chemistry with a good man and your love life will make a 180° turn.

Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner loves you unconditionally. And my expert dating and relationship mentors can help you find that person. In fact, let me buy you a session so you can see how valuable this work can be for you.

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  1. Ryan on January 1, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    It’s nice to read a good blog post. I enjoy lots of the articles on your website.

  2. Katha on January 31, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    “Remember to give him a real chance. Even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive.”

    Wait a minute! You would never tell a man to give a woman a real chance even if she is overweight, wrinkled or not particularly attractive.

    Your advice is very demeaning to women.

  3. Dr. Diana Kirschner on February 8, 2011 at 5:26 am

    ridiculous. of course I do.

  4. Alex on March 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Ok, so you give the guy a chance. But what if you still have no connection after three of four dates? That would just be leading the guy on and that is something I don’t intend to do. You can’t MAKE yourself like someone…

  5. jen on June 24, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Dr. Kirschner’s love tips really make sense!

  6. Sunshine on November 20, 2015 at 5:45 am

    So basically lower your standards and settle for less than exactly what you want. Hell no!

  7. Dr. Diana Kirschner on November 20, 2015 at 8:35 am

    Dear Sunshine,
    Sometimes what you need to be happy is different from your fantasy about it! In fact love almost always comes in a surprise package!!!
    In any case, no one gets exactly what they want–in love, in career, or in anything else for that matter. And waiting around for that fantasy can cost you a lot. It is better to be heads up to see what life is bringing you, as it could be someone or something you truly need to grow and become very fulfilled. Wishing you love!

  8. Dark Juju on March 26, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    How do you have sex with a man whom you are not sexually attracted too? YOU can only fake chemistry for so long before you realize the it is pretend.

  9. Dr. Diana Kirschner on April 5, 2016 at 6:41 am

    It is not necessary to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to! Just try flirting and a little kissing and hugging–if he has great potential as a partner for you. But if the chemistry is not there, it is not there. In that case, move on!

  10. Harlowe on July 8, 2016 at 3:10 pm

    Ah, “spark” and “chemistry,” the fool’s gold of relationships. Picking relationships based on a magical feeling is like building a house on sand. Obviously there has to be an attraction, but sparks burn out and chemistry fades. After three great months together, my gf broke it off. We got along very well and really liked each other, so it was a surprise. About a month later she wrote that an indescribable spark hadn’t developed, but she’d now found someone with whom she had that spark on every level. Well, about two weeks after that, they broke up. So much for “spark.”

  11. Dr. Diana Kirschner on August 25, 2016 at 5:43 pm

    Thanks for weighing in, Brittany!n The idea is to see if chemistry can happen! Then you could have the whole package!
    Wishing you love!

  12. Brittany on August 25, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    This kind of confuses me cause it seems like you should just pick any guy in your friendzone and push for a romantic relationship. No matter how much a person is compatible and lovely there has to be some attraction at the beginning otherwise its just getting blood out of a stone. Ive liked guys I havent wanted to like (eg cause they didnt have flashy careers or werent super bright) and I can understand overcoming your preconceived ideas about a romantic partner is a good idea in this instance, but dating someone you dont like romantically to try to convince yourself you like them? That just seems desperate. Why not wait until you meet someone who you feel attracted to AND is a good (not nice) guy?

  13. Em on September 11, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Dr. Kirchner,

    This article really spoke to me- I’ve always had crushes on hot guys who didn’t care much about me, and I was driving myself crazy trying to get them to like me. But in the last few months I started getting back in touch with a friend who really seemed to be crazy for me before he moved to another city a few years ago. We’ve gone out a few times and even though there’s no spark right now, the more I get to know him and see his kindness and thoughtfulness, the more I like him. Being kind and being into me is way more important than being good-looking; a good marriage is built on actions, not looks. He’s not really handsome, but the more I get to know his mind and heart, the more I love him for who he is, inside and out. Thank you for this article!


  14. Allsmiles on October 13, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Some just hen peck at the words of advice.

  15. Diane on January 15, 2017 at 11:22 am

    Does your book love in 90 days address the techniques to help build the chemistry?

  16. Dr. Diana Kirschner on January 15, 2017 at 12:56 pm


  17. Lynn on December 6, 2019 at 1:02 am

    My situation is reversed. I have been dating a guy. At this point, since he is injured and is not in his normal shape, I may be considered more attractive than him. But now my boyfriend admitted to me that he isn’t feeling sexual chemistry. He loves me and wants me, but something’s missing. That hurt. I need to spark the chemistry in him, but I don’t want to seem like I am trying too hard. Right now we are staying the course. I have thought that it could be because he is injured and not working at the moment (but he has enough money to pay his bills). He’s just having to deal with this, as well as having some past relationships that were drama/passion filled where I am not so emotional. I talk calmly. I don’t scream and yell, but it seems that has been in his past patterns. So I am the good girl and his past relationships were with “bad” girls (not really, just emotional women who sometimes throw things. I’d never throw things. Lol)! He’s a good guy. Im a good girl. On paper, we are what each other wants. I just need to help him along with that chemistry!!

  18. Dr. Diana Kirschner on December 8, 2019 at 9:42 am

    Hi Lynn!
    Thanks for sharing! This is a complicated situation due to your boyfriend’s injuries. Often libido is turned off when that happens.
    Would you like to discuss the situation in a complimentary session by phone or Skype with one of my Love Mentor coaches?
    Wishing you love,

  19. Radhika Potey on January 6, 2023 at 2:07 am

    thanks for sharing , i found answers to my questions

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