6 Secrets to Finding Sexual Chemistry & Keeping it Juicy
Sexual Chemistry– an amazing, juicy feeling of physical attraction between two people that is magnetic, turns on sensory receptors and causes a person to feel more alive. The pull is to be close and touch, to caress and pleasure each other fully. And finally, to lose the two separate selves and become one by surrendering together in an expanding wave of sexual union and orgasmic release.
“We lie in each other’s arms eyes shut and fingers open and all the colors of the world pass through our bodies like strings of fire.” Marge Piercy
Sounds delicious, right! But how do you find sexual chemistry with someone? And exactly how do you keep it going, even as you are together for years and years. That is the challenge. and yes, it can be done! In fact, when things solidify in your relationship and you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom, you can find more fulfilling sex that creates even greater chemistry over time. So here are six key secrets for how to find and keep juicy, passionate love that gets hotter and hotter.
Sexual Chemistry Tip #1: It’s either there with a new match or it’s not.
First of all, you either have chemistry with a person or you do not. You can’t make it happen if there isn’t any to begin with. Because initially chemistry relies on lots of factors that scientists are just beginning to understand—factors like smell, fantasies of one’s ideal mate, resemblance to a parent, etc. That being said, it is not always apparent when you meet someone whether there is some chemistry buried in a new relationship. The guy may be shy, you may be shy and the chemistry may be suppressed. So if you meet someone who is a good guy, who is interested in you, but you don’t feel any chemistry at first, give it time.
So have a few dates with him. See him in his element—giving a talk, playing in a band, etc. And try kissing him to see if things can ignite! You may be pleasantly surprised to find sexual chemistry was there all along, right under the surface!
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Sexual Chemistry Tip #2: In an established relationship, be sure to make time for sex
As a relationship begins to solidify and grows to the commitment stage and then, perhaps marriage, sexual chemistry has to be cultivated and kept alive. Healthy couples kindle and rekindle their chemistry. This starts with fulfilling each other’s sexual needs regularly. Healthy couples do not let sex fall to the bottom of the To-Do list. They make time to have sex, no matter how busy they are. Because they know the rule: If you don’t use it, you lose it!
Sexual Chemistry Tip #3: Switch things up in the bedroom
The brain chemical dopamine is produced when we first fall in love. And novel activities keep that dopamine infatuation going. So vary the places you make love, change the way you set the stage through flirting, candle lighting, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream or new kinds of lingerie, or sexy outfits. You can have fun reading erotic stories, magazines and comics or watching erotic movies together. Share fantasies. Don’t worry, only about 95% of people report having sexual fantasies. Start off slowly and just describe a fantasy about the two of you. Begin the story and ask your Beloved to end it. And if a “quickie” happens be sure to enjoy it!
Take it all as fun and games. This adds even more bonding and relaxation with each other and opens the door to more chemistry.
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Sexual Chemistry Tip #4: Learn what works best for you and ask for it!
Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. Find an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you. A good vibrator can be very helpful in learning about what stimulation will bring you to orgasm. The more you know about your own body the better you and your lover will be able to please you. Guide him by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.”
Sexual Chemistry Tip #5: Learn what works best for him
In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations in intercourse positions and most importantly, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!
Sexual Chemistry Tip # 6: Make sure that you are fully satisfied
In the end, make sure that both of you are completely satisfied no matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually or through intercourse. Satisfying sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. So after having sex each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin which explains why for many men, having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close.
Sexual Chemistry: Next Steps
If you or your partner has problems in the sexual arena first try breaking through your barriers on your own. Otherwise, if you feel you need help, sign up for a complimentary coaching session by phone or Skype.
If your partner has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective. Don’t let a physical problem prevent either of you from having sex. Check with your physicians. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it.
Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good, frequent sex promotes your own health, that of your man and the vitality of the relationship. It is even associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child, more restful sleep, pain relief, elevation of mood, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity and happiness! So uplift your sexual chemistry and go for it!
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.