Say Goodbye to Self Doubt and Hello to Self-Confidence
Here’s a true story about one woman’s journey from self-doubt to true self-confidence. Lila, a very successful forty-year-old pediatric nurse, had been through a painful divorce.
Lila Shares Her Journey
My 15-year marriage had ended. And there I was three years later, unhinged and afraid to jump into dating. I had an extra 35 pounds of pudge rolling around my middle, a resentful mood and some very serious issues about being over the hill and unattractive. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was starting to see the rotund shape of my mother. Which only made me want to eat more. My drug of choice: coffee Häagen-Dazs. Then because of the extra weight I developed a back problem and couldn’t exercise—I was sinking into fat city fast. I would say to my best friend, “Men want thinner women,” “I’m too old!” Meanwhile I was truly lonely. I had always suffered from self-doubt, but I was beginning to feel immobilized by it.
Then I began seeing one of Dr. Diana’s coaches and saw that I was operating from a negative identity, “Worthless Lila.” I felt very stuck in that old sense of self, but I forced myself to do what Dr. Diana calls Diamond Self work, focusing on what was attractive and lovable in my nature and renaming myself “Perfectly Lovable Lila”! It felt embarrassing at first, but I ditched the sweats, got a makeover, and put my best self out there. Each day I used the process and out would pop the playful engaging me, the person that expressed the passionate curious nature I had as a child.
Lila Reinvents Herself
Lila continues: It has been a year since Perfectly Lovable Lila was reborn and I have to say that this is definitely one of the happiest times in my life. Even though I never lost that extra weight, almost every man I meet asks me out. And three different men have asked me to be exclusive! I feel great. I feel special. And empowered. I even asked and received a raise at work. All thanks to the magic of the Diamond Self work. I am so grateful.
Lila was able to reinvent herself so that she released self-doubt and became happier, more confident and better than ever. She created a vibrant dating life, and got a raise. All without losing any of the newly packed-on weight that seemed to stand in her way.
Impressive enough. But Lila also moved from a state of being depressed, isolated, and lonely to feeling inner strength, joy, and connection. All within one year. Eventually, she went from dating three guys to settling down with one special guy. How did Lila take this journey from self-doubt to unconditional self-love? Through what I call the Diamond Self process.
The Diamond Self Process to Break Free of Self-Doubt
The Diamond Self (DS) Process is a new approach that allows you to give yourself instructions about who you want to be. Precise instructions that help you create inner strength, self-love, empowerment, and confidence in every area of your life. Because it is aimed at the internal world, your mind and spirit, the DS process brings you greater fulfillment without having to struggle so much with obstacles in the real world. It helps you create unconditional acceptance, love, and validation for yourself. And true confidence.
I can tell you that I have been 100 percent astonished at all the things I have been able to create using the DS approach. My childhood experiences worked against me—I was born as an unwanted fifth daughter to a family that only valued and wanted boys. I used to weep about my parents’ misfortune in being stuck with me, another crummy, useless girl. As a young child I experienced myself as a major disappointment, a waste, a person who did not deserve to be alive. My early identity was that of being unwanted, worthless, a good-for-nothing, and socially shy to the point of being mute. My father often called me a “piece of shit” during his angry alcoholic binges. He once said that he gave me life and he had the right to take it away from me. And he believed this to be true.
None of this was my father’s fault. Because he grew up in extreme poverty and had an explosive and abusive mother himself. He truly did the best he could. But my early upbringing left me with a very negative sense of self.
Geneen Roth Describes the Kind of Self-Doubt I Experienced Growing Up:
When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort . . . but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself . . .
Growing up I felt so damaged, defective, and bad that I had to hide from others. I became anxious and invisible and could hardly even speak to people. I could barely even acknowledge my own feelings. Second-guessing any decision I made, I became immobilized with self-doubt to the point of being unable to take any action.
How My Suffering Turned Out to be a Major Gift
But all this self-doubt, I see now, turned out to be a major gift. Because I have had to work on finding my worth and I discovered the Diamond Self work. And my own special gifts and talents. My own self-confidence. The DS work has helped me take a major step forward in every facet of living and help millions of people.
I used the DS secrets I am about to teach you to overcome my self-doubt and write bestsellers on dating and relationships, create my own one-woman PBS TV special–which is now an Amazon Prime Special, Love in 90 Days— and serve as a frequent guest on The Today Show. I’ve used the DS secrets to create an awesome team of Love Mentor® coaches who work by phone and Skype to bring self-esteem, self-confidence, success, and soulmate love to thousands of people around the world. I’ve also used DS to help create a passionate marriage with my soul mate for more than thirty years.
As the Buddha says:
“There’s a treasury full of jade and jewels; it is in you. Don’t go searching far from home for it—it’s here.”
The Self-Doubt-Busting Diamond Self Exercise
Here is the very powerful Diamond Self Exercise. I designed it to create greater deservedness, self-esteem, confidence and self-love. If you suffer from self-doubt, worry, anxiety, or depression . . . if you have a judgmental inner critic or second-guess yourself all the time . . . if you feel invisible, nervous, insecure, or less-than when you are with certain people, this is an awesome exercise for you to do.
“You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself.” ~ Geneen Roth
Read each Section of the Self-Doubt-Busting Diamond Self Exercise
Read each section of the exercise and then close your eyes, taking your time to do each step.
- Remember a time when you felt good about yourself—alive, attractive, smart, passionate, confident, loving—lovable. Put yourself in the picture so that you are looking through your own eyes. If you can’t remember a time like this, imagine a scene where you would feel good about yourself. Feel that completely.
- Imagine yourself better, even better. Imagine yourself five times better.
- Now take that image and bring it closer to you. Make it brighter, more colorful, clearer. Give it a sound track, a great sound track, magnify all those good feelings—make them stronger. This is your Diamond Self. Give it a name, a grand name. Here are some examples to get you going:
- Empowered Inspirer of Love and Success
- Triumphant Confident Cleopatra
- Empowered Exuberant One
- Clever Caring (your first name)
- Deserving Radiant Goddess of Light
- Saucy Smart Minx
- Beloved Mighty Isis
- Happy and Fearless Goddess of Love and Success
- Joyful Chosen Magnificent Jewel
- Sparkling Confident Queen
- Playful Precious Mesmerizing Lioness
- Sparkalicious Loving One
Play with any Names that Come to You for a Minute or Two.
Then say your Diamond Self name to yourself. Note: You can always work on or expand it later.
- Shrink the Diamond Self, make it tiny, as small as a real diamond. Then put that image aside.
- Now find a different image at a time when you felt self-doubt or rejected, abandoned, betrayed or unlovable. An image that reflects negative self-talk, like It’s hopeless for me, or I’m too fat, too invisible, or I’m a loser. We’ll call this your Disappointing Self.
- Take the image of your Diamond Self, make it the size of a hand grenade, and imagine throwing it right into the center of your Disappointing Self. Imagine it exploding and completely destroying the Disappointing Self.
- Now, instant replay. Imagine your self-doubt-laden Disappointing Self and throw the Diamond Self grenade into the center, blowing up the Disappointing Self again.
- Speed the whole thing up and repeat several more times.
Do this exercise until you cannot get a clear image of the Disappointing Self. Do a quick version of this process whenever you go to an important social event or any time you need a lift!
How to Find a Self-Doubt-Busting Diamond Self Name That is Just Right for You
Here’s how to know if a Diamond Self name is “right” for you: When you think or say it, you will feel excited, happy, even thrilled—but also, perhaps a little scared, embarrassed, ashamed, or silly. This is because you are stretching yourself. Bottom line: a true transformative Diamond Self nickname will call to you. In spite of some uncomfortable reactions, it feels good. And when you think or say it, your new nickname has a fun, joyful quality. Your Diamond Self name is so critical to the speed and success of your journey to full self-confidence.
Now that you have your Diamond Self name it is time to go shopping and dress “Lovely Irresistible Dancer,” or whoever has emerged as your unique new you. Pull a new look together by thinking about your validating name. Buy lingerie and clothes that are in alignment with your new self. Get a trendy haircut that frames and showcases the beauty in that face you see in the mirror. Find jewelry that symbolizes her radiant, lively, confident, and loving nature. As Jess Scott says, “The human body is the best work of art.”
RELATED POST: SIX RED FLAG SIGNS YOU NEED A LOVE COACH
Ok. There you have a journey that will take you from self doubt to self empowerment. If you would like some help with building your confidence, you can apply for a complimentary confidence-building session by phone or Skype with one of my gifted coaches.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.