Overcoming Abandonment Fears

overcoming abandonment fearsOvercoming Abandonment Fears

Do you ever feel like you have to be perfect or you’ll be rejected? Do you sometimes panic when you don’t receive a quick response to a text, email or voicemail?  What about not speaking your truth in relationships because you think it might drive your partner away? Do you tend to settle for crumbs? These reactions could mean that you haven’t yet succeeded in overcoming abandonment fears.

Abandonment is a Primal Fear

Abandonment is primal in that it often stems from childhood experiences. If you experienced parental attachments that were cold or distant, you may have unconsciously created a sense of self as invisible, worthless, or not belonging. This fear can also develop later in life after a devastating loss or break up. The deeply held belief that results from these experiences is: I am not someone who can be chosen or loved.

You know you have this pattern when the deepest need you can easily recognize is wanting to be claimed and to receive unconditional love and commitment, yet your pattern of behavior is to hide out, accept relationships that give you very little, or push caring people away.

Now before I keep going, I must empathize that having a abandonment fears is not something to beat yourself up over. You did not choose this. So, no beating yourself up for this pattern, okay?! It was a natural reaction to your experiences. Plus, no one is perfect. We ALL have primal fears when it comes to relationships.

You can Heal and Overcome your Abandonment Fears

Truly! In fact, through my Love Mentoring® Dating and Relationship Coaching program, myself and my team have helped hundreds of women overcome even the deepest abandonment fears and create the committed, true partnerships they so deeply longed for.

Your first step to healing is to focus on being appreciated and loved. So here’s a special technique which will help you totally immerse yourself in these energies.


Sample Affirmations that I’ve Used to Overcome Abandonment Fears

First, make a list of love affirmations focused on being visible, chosen, claimed, lovable, and loved. These are positive statements that start with “I” and are in present tense. As you write them out, imagine that you are your ideal relational self, the self you would like to become.

Next, choose one statement to say to yourself when you get up in the morning and before you go to sleep. Tell your brain to receive this instruction on a daily basis. So it can rewire its neural networks. In particular, give instructions to the neural network that continually reinforces your dead-end relationship patterns to unwind itself so that new patterns can be established. Once that’s done over and over, you ultimately overcome abandonment fears.

Begin by saying I AM:

a beautiful goddess who many appreciate.
claimed by an adoring partner.
fully lovable and loving.
a perfect child of god (or the Divine).
unconditionally loved.


How Love Mentoring Can Help You Overcome Abandonment Fears

Another major key to healing abandonment fears is to find a Love Mentor. This is someone you admire, who knows how to create  an amazing relationship, who appreciates and loves you unconditionally.

In fact, a Love Mentor can make a dramatic difference in your healing process just like a Work Mentor has altered your career trajectory. He or she is by your side, cheering you on, sharing their wisdom. At times, even gently calling you out on deadly dating patterns you keep repeating. Especially the Crumbs Dating Pattern where you settle for seconds.

If you can’t think of someone in your life who would make an ideal Love Mentor, do not worry. It can be tough to find just the right person for you. Just go to our dating and relationship coaching page and I’ll help you find the right person.


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Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.

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