Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Five Signs to Know

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Five Signs to Know
So you discovered the cheater.

It was devastating–like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter.  You couldn’t eat or function at work.  Or maybe you were up all night watching old movies, crying and eating pints of dulce la leche.  The cheater and the affair have created such heartache and pain that you wonder, if it’s true, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?

The question looms large. Is the cheater going to cheat again?  It’s a big issue.  Should you trust again or not?  You may feel torn, like you want to take your cheating partner back but feel like it is a point of pride not to.  You think, maybe you should just dive into that online pool, start looking for some great profiles and forget all about it. Or maybe not.

Well, I have some critical information for you: According to research studies and my clinical work show that about 22% of men and 13% of women are cheaters.  According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.

The good news is this: Many people who are in relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs.  Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all.  This means that, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” is just not true.  There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating.

Of course there are players or sex addicts that will cheat and cheat and cheat again.  These are the ones your truly have to watch out for.  How do you tell if you are dealing with a chronic cheater?

Here are five signs taken from Love in 90 Days

Five signs that indicate your cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:

1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated.  Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them.
2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
5. Your partner enters psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.

If the cheater shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many ways, consider taking your partner back.  One caveat:  If your partner continues the affair or starts cheating again, in spite of showing the above signs, you may be dealing with a sex addict.

And just how do you know if the cheating is going on again? 

Here are some common signs of cheating:

  • he/she’s working late a lot
  • he/she’s’s suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
  • he/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
  • mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
  • credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
  • less sex
  • he/she’s more distant, angry or picky

If you find out your partner is cheating again, it’s time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak. Break up with this person.  There are wonderful new matches waiting right there on your computer screen!

Remember, if your partner strays, it doesn’t absolutely mean he or she will do it again.  Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. Forgiveness and a new coming together are possible.  If you have been betrayed but want to see if it can work, just talk to one of my expert relationship coaches and get advice right away!


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Are you a successful woman who is tired of having NO good men to date?  THIS  is for you!

Hi, I'm Dr. Diana Kirschner. My team and I have helped thousands of successful single women, including judges, famous shrinks, CEOs, philanthropists, Directors, professors, and celebrities like Hoda Kotb from The Today Show to find a high-quality man who understands, appreciates and cherishes them, and I'm confident we can help YOU too!

I'm a PBS Love expert and psychologist who has appeared on Oprah, the Today Show and in an Amazon Prime show, Love in 90 Days based on my bestseller Love in 90 Days.  My work has been featured in The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, ABC, People, and NPR.

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  1. Dr. Diana Kirschner on October 25, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    The University of Chicago among other academic institutions conducts surveys every few years. Most folks believe that these numbers under-report the incidence of cheating. In other words some people will lie to cover up their being ashamed or wanting the interviewer’s approval.
    Dr. D

  2. HomeList on October 25, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    I wonder how exactly they get those statistics on how many people actually cheated. It’s not like many people would be honest about it.

  3. seekingpersonals on December 9, 2011 at 1:56 am

    everyone deserves a second chance. but be careful giving it.

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