No Chemistry? Can You Still Fall in Love?

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Can you fall in love when there’s apparently no chemistry? Have you met a nice guy who has so many of the caring and great qualities you want and need, except, there are no sparks?  This is a problem that can be maddening!  Is there a future with this guy or not?

If you continue dating him, will you be settling for a sexless relationship or marriage?  Will you feel like you are with your brother or best friend but not with your lover?  Ugh!

Well, this blog will help you answer those questions once and for all! The short answer to the question, can you fall in love with a guy when there’s no chemistry is ‘yes.’  You can even develop a great love relationship with chemistry! But there are some preconditions that need to be there to help it all work out to a happily-ever-after for you.

Client Example

Here is a recent email sent to one of my coaches by a client:

I went a tough break-up and was trying to move on and grow from the experience to ready myself for the “right” man.  We had been broken up for about a year when I discovered Dr. Diana’s book that eventually led me to entering coaching with you.  You really helped me get through it and grow so much.  I wanted to write to you to update you on where I am now in my life and how I owe so much of it to you. 

 I met the “one” about a year or within the year after you had coached me and we got married this summer!  One of the things I remember you telling me was about getting to know a guy was like opening boxes within boxes and how every box I open reveals something new about that person, to take my time truly getting to know them and be sure to unwrap each box.  Also how to open my mind to all types of men and not judging someone too quickly if I don’t consider them to be “my type.” 

When I met him the night our mutual friends threw us together, I remember thinking to myself, he’s not my type, there is no chemistry– I wasn’t attracted to him.  My friend kept telling me to give him a chance.  So I eventually took her advice and kept unwrapping each box.  I kept my mind open, living in the moment, paying attention to his actions and how he made me feel.  I developed feelings for him very slowly, hoping they would eventually catch up and that just because I wasn’t initially physically attracted to him, I still kept my mind open. 

No Chemistry? A Year Later

Well, about a year of dating this man, I realized I loved him.  Those feelings did catch up! It’s not the kind of love I had ever felt before.  It was deeper, mature, something that included everything I had been looking for and wanting.  He became more attractive to me over time and I allowed for that connection to grow. And it still is!

 I could go on and on, but finding love with the right person is possible and I’m proof at almost 53!  It’s never too late to find that right love and to seek out advice when you need it.  Thank you for that help you gave to me.  I will forever be grateful! 

 All the best, Jamie

Bottom Line: Jamie got her happiest-ever-after, a love that was beyond her imagination with a guy who seemed to have no chemistry at the beginning of the relationship.

No Chemistry? Love Comes in Surprising Packages

As Jamie discovered, sometimes what you need to be happy is different from your fantasy about it! In fact love almost always comes in a surprise package!!!  In any case, no one gets exactly what they want–in love, in career, or in anything else for that matter. And waiting around for that fantasy can cost you a lot. It is better to be heads up to see what life is bringing you, as it could be someone or something you truly need to grow and become very fulfilled.  In other words, you may have a surprise match who turns out to be an even better partner than you ever imagined!

So what are the preconditions to look at to decide whether you should give your guy who is less than sizzling hot, a chance?  This is what we will cover below!  You don’t want to miss out on love that comes right to you in a surprise package!

BTW It is best to give your no-chemistry man a chance while working the dating program of three, where you date three  guys casually at the same time with no sex (kissing and canoodling is OK).  This way you have not wasted your time by giving the no-chemistry guy a chance.

RELATED POST: THE DATING PROGRAM OF THREE

Here are preconditions and tips to  figure out what to do when you meet a great guy but there is no chemistry:

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 1: Does he smell good to you?

That was not a typo!  Smell is key in whether a person can ultimately be attractive to you sexually.  Research has shown that guys who are genetically different from them  smell much better to women.  And are more attractive as a mate.  So  take a whiff of his neck or chest—does he smell good,  maybe even “good enough to eat”  LOL, like my husband does?  Then keep him on your dating program of three dance card.  If he does not smell good, he is not a good candidate for chemistry to develop between you.  So move on.

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 2: Does he pass the three question litmus test?

Whether a new guy has chemistry with you or not, there are three key questions to ask to determine whether he is worth putting into your Dating Program of Three.  If your new match meets the criteria of these three questions, he could grow into having great chemistry with you!

THE THREE-QUESTION TEST

When you meet someone, ask yourself the following questions. Is this guy:

I. Crazy About Me?

  • Eager to see me
  • Reluctant to leave me
  • Interested in me and my life
  • Wants to be helpful
  • Is verbally and physically affectionate
  • Wants to be sexual with me (even if there is no chemistry yet!)
  • Acts like I am very special; doesn’t really want to date others
  • Willing to hang in there as I work the Program of Three

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the above

II. Willing to Grow?

  • Takes suggestions or advice
  • Is self-reflective
  • Is willing to go to therapy or life coaching
  • Takes growth courses
  • Meditates or prays
  • Is in a 12-step program or men’s group

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 2 of the above

III. Meeting the Basics?

  • Is a good guy—reliable, tells the truth, cares about others
  • Wants a real, committed relationship
  • Willing to have children if I want them
  • Successful—has a good income
  • Is a member of my religious faith
  • Isn’t in a relationship with anyone else
  • Comes from a stable family of origin
  • Is geographically desirable

Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the above

A guy has to meet the standards in each of the categories to date you on an ongoing basis. Choosing from this pool of men will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any problem.

And most importantly, a guy who meets all the test criteria above can provide a solid, growing relationship that can ultimately open lots of chemistry, as you move into a more trusting and intimate connection with him!

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 3: If he passes the test above, be sure to have a second or third date.

You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting him once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. Even if you feel there is no chemistry. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.  You want to break your old self-sabotaging dating patterns that led you to be attracted to guys who were not right for you. Love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves.

What to do when there’s no chemistry tip 4: Make sure some sparks fly in the first month or so

Try flirting, touching, massaging and a little kissing and hugging.  You want to have a few sparks of attraction fly out of your interaction in the first month or so.  Also, see the guy in his element, let’s say playing his guitar on zoom, or giving a talk about an environmental issue.  Does he suddenly look or feel different?  More attractive?  This means the sparks are starting to fly and you want to explore the relationship further!  On the other hand, if you try some flirting and touch and see him in his element and new sparks of attraction never happens in the first month or so, move on!

So there are four key tips to help you decide what to do with a new guy who is great and smitten with you, but you feel no chemistry.  The idea is to see if chemistry can happen! Then you could have the whole package—deep, lasting love and great passion too!

RELATED POST: HOW TO SPARK CHEMISTRY WITH A GOOD MAN

 

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As a relationship expert, I've helped thousands of women get the love they want - even when it seemed impossible.  I’m Dr. Diana Kirschner. You might know me from my PBS Special, seen me on Oprah, or have read one of my bestselling books.

 

I want to do everything I can to give you hands-on personalized support that will make a lasting difference.

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Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

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1 Comment

  1. Aria Green on January 22, 2021 at 7:40 am

    This article is really helpful for couples who don’t feel immediate chemistry with a partner…feeling attracted to your partner is important. Wanting to be around them is a good thing. As I think, the partners need those things. but it’s a huge mistake to believe, that feeling generally happy and attracted to a kind and good person without that roller-coaster feeling is “settling.”



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