Matchmaker, Can You Really Make Me a Match?
There is nothing quite like that great Matchmaker song in the famous play, Fiddler on the Roof. And with online dating and apps being so challenging these days, many smart successful women are thinking of hiring a matchmaker themselves. But the question to ask is, matchmaker, can you really make me a match?
You may be sick of the disappointment, frustration and stagnation in your dating life—I know how tough it is! But, for a variety of reasons, matchmaking may not be the best choice to create lasting passionate love. So let’s go through the pros and cons of hiring a matchmaker.
The Downside of Hiring a Matchmaker: Fees
Matchmaker fees are steep. Expect to pay about $5500 for only 6 introductions in 6 months, or $7500- $10,000+ for 12 introductions in 12 months. The fees can range much higher. All fees are due up front with no payment plans. In addition to these upfront costs some matchmakers have success fees that are in the $100,000 range. There are no refunds.
Men Are Matchmakers’ Real Clients
Many matchmakers only take men as their “real” clients. Women join their data base for free and therefore the matchmaker is not working on their behalf. In the unusual circumstance that the matchmaker selects you as a match for one of her clients, and he agrees, the matchmaker will contact you for an introduction. The odds are slim. When a woman hires a matchmaker, he/she is not really working for her.
Women Over 40 Typically Do Not Do Well with a Matchmaker
Most matchmakers see women over 40 as an unworkable group because the male clients they have either want to start a family and therefore want a younger woman, or simply want a young “arm candy” girl. In fact most reputable professional matchmakers do not want to work with women over 40 because they cannot produce results for them. That is unless they are particularly affluent. In that case the upper echelon matchmakers will charge $40,000 to $50,000. Unfortunately, they often have a large ratio of women to men. This creates many dissatisfied women
Matchmakers Usually Have Minimal Relationship Coaching Skills
Usually, matchmakers are not trained as coaches and they have minimal training / skills in what makes relationships work, or not work. Their training is more focused on early stage date coaching vs. true relationship coaching. How do I know this? Because I’ve hired successful matchmakers to become Love Mentor coaches. And they had to undergo extensive training and supervision to be able to help our clients.
Of course, this training and knowledge deficit is not true of all matchmakers. Just most of the ones I’ve run across in the past 30 years.
Matchmakers try to understand what works for the client in a partner as they introduce them to potential matches. It takes several introductions to begin to understand what the client likes. But, what the client likes is not always what works best for lasting passionate love. (old patterns). So often, the matchmaking engagement is unsuccessful with frustration on both sides.
At this point, as you read about these red flags about hiring a matchmaker, you may be wondering just how to get the support you need. One thing to consider is hiring a dating and relationship coach.
Matchmakers vs Dating & Relationship Coaches
Matchmakers work only with their clients and a data base for matches. Typically, one match per month is what a client can expect. This limits opportunity for meeting /dating multiple people. On the other hand, in dating and relationship coaching, which we call Love Mentoring®, the client is continuously meeting new candidates. She will look together with the Mentor at a much larger pool of eligible men. Love Mentors encourage casually dating a few men at the same time. This concept is not possible with matchmaking.
Love Mentor® coaching is based on:
- tens of thousands of hours of coaching experience
- research about successful, loving men and how to find them
- practical knowledge about how to make online and offline dating work
- studies on how to form lasting passionate love
- the nuts and bolts that make for healthy relationships
It is possible to be an effective relationship coach without doing matchmaking. It is not possible to do truly effective matchmaking without doing coaching. This is where many if not most matchmakers fall short, and where Love Mentors® excel.
Advantage of Love Mentor Coaching: Lower Fees
Love Mentoring® is available at far less cost than hiring a matchmaker, offers a refund policy and works particularly well with women over 40. A typical 12 one-hour session package costs between $2000-$3000 (USD) depending on the seniority of the coach. This fee includes email back-up, texts, and a complete remake of your online profile
There are also less expensive ways to enter our relationship coaching. Smaller packages with less frequent sessions are also available.
Advantage of Love Mentor Coaching: More Support & Encouragement
Matchmakers do not spend a lot of one-on-one time with their clients. Once a client signs up with a matchmaker they usually work with a “dating specialist” who selects their matches for them based on certain criteria. In Love Mentoring®, the client and the coach work together, and, the client is always connected to her mentor through phone and Skype Sessions, email and texting, providing continuous support. Not just once a month dates and feedback. This level of mentoring and support lays a very strong foundation for creating a fulfilling love relationship.
In our coaching practice we start with a free strategy session by phone or Skype for women and men around the world. More than 10,000 people took advantage of this gift and many were able to radically transform their lives without paying a penny.
Advantage of Coaching: In-Depth Understanding Your Dead-End Dating Patterns
A matchmaker looks at the more superficial pattern of previous relationships. Coaching delves deeper. Thus, the client begins to understand themselves better, learns what self-sabotaging behavior and beliefs are causing them to repeatedly select inappropriate partners, or what is preventing them from finding the right partner and why.
A Love Mentor coach helps the client understand (and deal with) those deadly dating patterns up front, thus saving the client time and disappointment. And preventing the endless cycle of falling back into those disappointing habits. Once the client has clarity and knows what they are looking for and what has prevented them from meeting the right one, a unique dating strategy is put in place. The Love Mentor® coach works with the client one-on-one on a weekly basis or bi-weekly basis to help implement that strategy and create success.
Many people come to matchmakers thinking they are ready to find love when they may not be ready. Coaching addresses the issue of readiness and this ensures that the client approaches dating and relationships ready for success. Mentoring shifts the mindset from having someone chosen for them to being “at choice”. In other words, the client gets to choose who is right for them, who is worthy of their love, their time, and their attention.
A Matchmaker Does the Fishing, While a Coach Teaches You How to Fish
There are hundreds if not thousands of variables at play in selecting a great partner. Some are conscious and others unconscious. It is therefore extremely difficult for another person to get a perfect match for a client. For example, the unmet needs of the client and the baggage she brings to an intimate relationship are often barriers to lasting love. A well-trained mentor coach can help her client understand her unmet needs and help support how those needs are fulfilled.
For example, we look at the unmet needs for appreciation, validation, nurturing, as well as needs for self-discipline and boundaries, plus envisioning and empowering love intentions. In Love Mentoring, we help the client to fulfill those needs and thus heal from past relationship wounds and traumas. This process opens the door to a lasting passionate relationship.
While a matchmaker “fishes for the client,” a Love Mentor® dating coach teaches the client “how to fish.” That is, where to meet successful loving men, how to use online dating sites and apps and what to do once they have met a great guy. If there are no successful matches during the small window of time during which the matchmaking contract is in effect, the client is no better off than before. In contrast, Love Mentoring offers tools for the rest of a client’s life.
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Jo Tries a Matchmaker and a Dating Coach
Jo, a 50 year old lawyer had it all—she was gorgeous, smart, successful. There was just one thing– she had the worst “luck” with men. Jo found a matchmaker in LA where she lived. After the woman promised Jo that she had some amazing, successful men who would be “absolutely perfect” for her, Jo paid the matchmaker $6000 for 6 introductions. The first guy looked great, but lived 2 hours away. Turned out that he was unwilling to travel. The second one seemed to have a drinking problem. The third match had the personality of a parsnip. Jo was extremely disappointed and unhappy. She tried and failed to get her money back.
That’s when Jo heard about our Love Mentor coaching program from one of her own clients. Jo started coaching and discovered the root of her problem with men was that she kept picking guys who were successful and good-looking, but quite narcissistic. Her coach went online with Jo to point out the red flags associated with a narcissist and show her how to look for the good guys, the marrying kind of men. Jo started dating two of these guys who looked promising. Ordinarily she would have passed on them because they were not “handsome enough.” These two men were so kind and giving to her, she felt odd and uncomfortable. Jo’s coach urged her to stay the course and get used to being treated well.
Over time, Jo fell madly in love with one of these kind men who was entirely crazy about her. They became exclusive and Jo found herself thoroughly enjoying being loved so unconditionally. Jo married her good guy at sunset on the beach as the setting sun blessed their union.
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Bottom Line: Hiring a Matchmaker vs. a Love Mentor Coach
Some matchmakers have been so frustrated themselves with their lack of success that they have left that business in order to be trained as Love Mentor® Coaches. They feel that they are now making a real difference in women’s love lives.
For all these reasons—the huge cost, the problem with helping over-40 women, the difficulty with helping resolve client’s self-defeating patterns, and the inability to provide ongoing relationship coaching, plus the poor overall success rate, matchmaking can be a problematic choice. On the other hand, Love Mentor® coaching may be right for you.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.