How to Know if He is Marriage Material: Questions to Ask on Your First Date
How to Know if He’s Marriage Material? You’ve heard the excuses before. But is he ready to get married? He says things like:
“It’s not you. It’s me.”
“You deserve someone better.”
“I’m not ready.”
It seemed like you were on the same page. And then BAM. The guy had a sudden change of heart, freaked out, or just plain disappeared. You wonder, I really thought he was ready to get married, but I was wrong.
You’re tired of men who seem to want something long-term with you. Guys who say one thing but do another. Those that run for the hills when things start to deepen.
If only there was a way to tell EARLY on if someone is the “marrying-kind.” If only there were a way to answer the question: Is he ready to get married?
Guess what? There is!
What Research Can Show You How to Know if He’s Marriage Material Right on the First Date
Over the past few years researchers have looked closely at the types of men who are more interested in a long-term relationship and if, age appropriate, to have children. They’ve been able to distinguish those that are marriage material and those who are likely to be commitment-phobes or players. And guess what? There are telltale signs that you can use to guide you on the first date.
Rutgers University and the National Marriage Project conducted a national study that showed that married men were more likely than single men to have grown up with both biological parents. Almost half of married men reported going to religious services several times a month while less than a quarter of the unmarried men did.
When researchers sorted out the single men who were marriage material they found similarities among them. Men who said they came from traditional backgrounds and intact families and those who regularly attended religious services were the best prospects. These men agreed with the following statement: “You’d be ready to marry tomorrow if the right person came along.” A Gallup poll also showed that the vast majority of these men are seeking a “soulmate.” They are actively looking for someone who will fulfill their emotional, sexual and spiritual desires. And they also want a partner who will also share bread-winning responsibility.
Who Are Not Marriage Material?
- The non- marrying kind, however, were more likely to:
Agree with the statement that there are so many bad marriages today it makes one questions the value of marriage.
Believe that singles have better sex lives.
Worry more about divorce.
So how do you get down to the nitty-gritty on a first date? Without sounding like you’re intensely interviewing a guy to be your potential husband?
Four Questions You can ask on a first date to Know if He’s Marriage Material
1. First, ask him to tell you something about his childhood, such as “What’s one of your favorite childhood memories?” This opens the door to give you more information and ask a follow-up question about his upbringing, such as “Oh, what are your parents like?” Someone who is open (which you want!) will usually share details.
2. Alternatively, you can tell him something about your parents and childhood. Which then opens the door for you to ask about his. As he responds, you should be able to sense whether he has any bitterness.
3. Then, let him tell you about his family. You might say something like, “So where did you grow up?” After he answers, you might say, “Oh do your parents still live there?” Again, just bringing up the topic usually opens the door to delve deeper without being intense or sounding like an interviewer!
4. Ask him if he has a spiritual side. Or a religious side. This will surface pretty quickly what is happening on that end.
How to Gauge his Answers on the First Date to Know if He is Marriage Material
Now, of course, if someone didn’t grow up with both parents or doesn’t have a religious or spiritual background, this doesn’t mean he isn’t the One and isn’t capable of making a life-long commitment. This is a just way to gauge how ready he is on the FIRST date.
As you’re talking pay attention to the other nuances: Is he bitter about relationships, clearly angry about his childhood, not over a divorce. Does he have a negative view of life and have an “every man for himself” vibe? These are all red flags. Move on. You’ll save yourself a lot of time, frustration, disappointment and heartbreak.
Ultimately you’re looking for a guy who is comfortable around you, who feels like he could be a solid, caring friend. One who doesn’t try too hard but shows he is totally into you. A good person with whom you share chemistry that is brewing but not over the top and out of control. If you’re having trouble knowing if he’s marriage material, I have a gift for you.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.