This dating advice for women over 50 blog is an interview with one of our most senior Love Mentors®, Tamara Green, LCSW. Now here Tamara’s dating advice for women over 50 and how to be irresistibly attractive to guys:
Can you be attractive without being a size 4 or under the age 35?
Absolutely! I have a wonderful Love Mentee, ‘Sally,’ who is about 50 lbs overweight and in her 50’s. Almost every man she meets asks her out, she’s so appealing. In the last year, 4 men have asked her for an exclusive relationship. This is someone who had trouble getting even one date. Now she’s a dating queen!
How did your Love Mentee do that?
She certainly didn’t start off as a man magnet. When she began Love Mentoring®, she had a host of negative self talk about her looks, her weight, her age and even her health issues. She would say things to me like, “I’m too unattractive to men”, “Men want thinner women”, “I’m too old”, “No man wants a woman with a back problem”…….. I explained to her that she was operating from a very negative identity when she had these thoughts. So, the first order of business was to create an identity that was beautiful, fantastic and very alluring to men. In Love Mentoring, we call this the Diamond Self Identity.
Can you talk more about this “Diamond Self Identity?”
Sure, helping people identify and access their Diamond Self is something I am very passionate about. What I’m talking about here is our true identity that we all have, otherwise known as our Higher Self or our True Self – it’s who we really are. We are all born as this Diamond Self being – so alive, passionate, curious, appreciative and compassionate, to name a few. But what happens over the years is that we have these experiences which cause us to believe certain things about ourselves, often times negative beliefs. These negative beliefs then become something that we identify with so much, we believe that THAT is who we really are. For instance, Sally really believed that she was very unattractive and that men wouldn’t be interested in her. She was operating from the identity of “Unattractive Sally”, which, of course, made her feel terrible – really low.
Through her “inner work” with me, she was able to realize that she wasn’t unattractive at all. In fact, I remember her saying, “Wait a minute, there really are some very attractive things about me – my eyes, my smile, my hair!” I knew that she was getting it. So, she replaced her “I am too unattractive to men” thought/belief and switched to “Men find me very attractive.”, which made her feel great! She then crafted her Diamond Self Name.
The Diamond Self Name?
Yes. In Love Mentoring®, we have a wonderful exercise called the Diamond Self Process. It helps you to access your True Self. What’s really fun is that you get to give your Diamond Self a name, a really grand name. Sally’s is ‘Luscious and Alluring Venus.’ Isn’t that great?! Saying that name always makes me smile, as should any Diamond Self Name. So now, she doesn’t leave her home as “Unattractive Sally” any longer. She struts out of her door as Luscious and Alluring Venus (LAV)!!! You can even hear the difference in her voice. LAV has a great energy to her!!
Before, you mentioned “Inner Work”. Can you explain that?
Sure. Inner work is the deep, emotional work. It’s about self love. If you can imagine that your Diamond Self is a helium balloon. This balloon is light and very floaty, always moving up, up, up. Well, whenever we have a negative belief, a complaint, a resentment, a guilt, etc, it becomes a tiny hole in that balloon. What happens over the years is that the balloon becomes more and more deflated. The Inner Work is patching up those holes, those leaks, so that the balloon can mend and heal and fly up, up, up again – as it was originally intended. I strongly believe that my purpose in life to help mend these leaks for people, so that they can live the life of their dreams. Now, that’s inner work. There’s also something called Outer Work.
Tell us about Outer Work.
Outer Work is all of the stuff we do to look good on the outside, which always us feel better about ourselves in the inside. Sally, for instance, wasn’t wearing makeup, jewelry or updated and trendy clothes. When she went food shopping, she looked frumpy in her sweats and T-shirt. Even at work, she didn’t wear make-up or jewelry. Sally has gorgeous thick long brown hair that she wore in a ponytail.
I had her go to a salon and get a trendy cut. Now her hair is free, soft and flowing and the whispy bangs frame her face beautifully. She is back to wearing a little mascara and lip gloss and a little jewelry. I had her promise me not to wear the sweats out of her house, and now she walks into the supermarket and dry cleaners in nice jeans or simple dresses. She looks younger, feels younger and, of course, feels so much better about herself. She told me that she used to avoid mirrors. Now when she looks in the mirror, she is pleasantly surprised by how good she looks.
Sally has really done some great Inner and Outer Work! Now, how does she actually meet these great guys?
Great question. Every where she goes, she now sees herself as the LAV. She does her Diamond Self Exercise before she walks out the door and reminds herself who she really is. Now that she has accessed her Diamond Self, she operates from that identity in everything that she does. Sally’s amazing. She uses every opportunity to meet men.
For instance, Sally does a lot of travel in the U.S. for her job. One day, she was walking into a restaurant and this man was walking in at the same time. Seeing that he was alone, she very brightly said, “Hi, how are you today?!”. The surprised man warmly smiled back and said, “Much better now!” He quickly asked if they could sit together. They had a great meal together, laughing and telling stories of their travels. They have now been dating for 2 months, and I might add he’s very smitten with her, too.
Why do men find women who operate from their Diamond Selves so irresistible?
Who can resist someone who really likes who they are? Not in a conceited way, but really likes their own company. Men can tell right away that she has great energy, really has fun in her life and has so much to offer. Men want to be loved just as much as women do. Who could love them better than someone who loves herself and her life. Also, men are hardwired to help make their partner happy. They are happy when their partner is happy. I hear it all of the time from men, “I just want her to be happy”. Most men feel that way. So, when a men meets a woman who is already happy to be who she is, he can relax and just enjoy her and not feel any pressure to help her become happy.
Thank you, Tamara, for your wise words and dating advice for women over 50. and as my gift to you, you can have a free 40-minute love mentoring session by phone or Skype with Tamara or another wise dating coach.