How to Attract Healthy Relationships & Stop Wasting Time with the Wrong People
Are you wondering just how to attract healthy relationships? Are you sick of people who just don’t come through for you, who disappoint, leave or betray you? It all starts with creating self-love and deservedness. This is the golden key. From that place you be able to give yourself a healthy loving passionate love relationship. One that validates and uplifts you. Even if you have been through loads of disappointment in the love department!
You can generate and anchor in powerful self-love by creating what I call your Diamond Self Identity—that is, your most self-appreciating and validating sense of who you are. Your best self identity! When you do this, you will naturally move away from people who are not appreciative, not loving, not validating, loyal or committed to you. And instead you will attract people who are crazy about you. Who know how unique and terrific you really are. So here are three Steps to attracting healthy relationships.
RELATED POST: THE DIAMOND SELF PROCESS
How to Attract Healthy Relationships- Step 1: Rediscover Your Wonderful, Unique and Authentic Nature
Think back to when you were a toddler, or young child. You were born with innocence, natural curiosity, and joy in the world. The original YOU was a fully present, adorable little being, in touch with all of her blissful feelings and naturally assertive and self-expressed.
When you were that sweet child running around, what did you enjoy? Was it the running around, or cooking on your Fisher-Price play stove? Maybe it was sitting still staring at a bumble bee. Did you love to finger paint? Think back and remember that early time when you were free to play and explore the world. What were you like? This is a time before you were ignored, shamed, or told you were bad. Before the limitations and fears set in. Before you got entangled with the wrong matches who hurt, abandoned or betrayed you.
Chances are, all those early wonderful, adorable traits are still with you, in their grown-up manifestations. And they are special, lovable, and unique to you, my love! In fact, they are charming, and captivating. But they may be entirely hidden. As you get in touch with and create a life from your ‘real self,’ you’ll begin to tap into your unique charisma. Here is a mantra I learned from the brilliant acting teacher Jack Plotnick: Every person is interesting when they are real. When you are your authentic self, none of your energy is bound up in monitoring yourself and how you are coming off to others. You are able to pay attention to the person you are with. And notice whether they are good or bad for you. You are free to speak your truth! Your natural liveliness, inquisitiveness, quirkiness, and funniness emerge.
The Message of the Velveteen Rabbit
Here’s how Margery Williams describes the Velveteen Rabbit becoming real in her classic allegory:
He was Real…. That night he was almost too happy to sleep, and so much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty.
So be real, my Love! Be different. Have fun. Dance on a table, be silly, sing off-key. Play and let yourself be you. If you break free like this you will fall in love—with yourself—and naturally move away from people who are wrong for you, while you attract a healthy love relationship.
How to Attract Healthy Relationships- Step 2: Practice Being Grateful
To live in this state, learn to look at your past relationships very differently. The past no longer exists; only your stories about it exist. And there are always many different viewpoints one can have about any event. If you allow yourself to stay with the old negative stories in your head you are actually setting yourself up to choose the wrong person and waste time with them all over again, in a repeat of your old dead-end dating pattern.
Like glasses of water, past relationships can be remembered as half full or half empty. If we hold them as learning and growing experiences, we can begin to feel better about ourselves. It is important to understand that all shared love is forever. The good experiences you had in past relationships live on in your memory and have been part of learning about what it means to be chosen and loved. It is important to understand that you learned very important things about how wonderful you truly are, key aspects of your Diamond Self identity. For example, if you cleverly handled a guy who cheated on you in terms of finding out the truth, you can deeply appreciate how smart, courageous, strong and amazing you are.
What Research on Gratitude Tells Us
This positive way of thinking leads to constructive self-talk and personal happiness. In fact, gratitude research suggests that if you take the stance of counting the blessings in each and every relationship you’ve ever had, and noticing what you did that gained your own respect and admiration, you will be happier and more optimistic about the future. This is a gift you can give yourself, starting now.
In order to choose happiness, practice being grateful for whatever you do have right now. In three different studies, researchers randomly assigned people into a “gratitude,” “hassle,” or “control” group. Every morning the participants in the first group simply wrote a list of up to five things in their lives, both large and small, that they were thankful for. The hassle group did the same for problems. The controls wrote only about daily events. The gratitude group had much greater satisfaction with their lives and more optimism about the future. They also felt more connected with others!
This one step alone sets you up to be happy and have dating success. When you feel more connected, you will be warmer, more positive and loving, which will help you connect with matches who are more positive and loving back to you. This will lead to attracting healthy relationships that break your old pattern of being in situations that just don’t work for you. So start a daily gratitude list as a gift of love to yourself.
RELATED POST: THE BENEFITS OF GRATITUDE
How to Attract Healthy Relationships- Step 3: Give yourself a Diamond Self Nickname
This is one of the most important exercises in our coaching program! It has helped thousands of women all over the world be become more self-loving, self-confident and naturally charismatic so that they were able to attract a healthy relationship that was beyond their wildest dreams! So give yourself a new empowered self-loving name, a grand name. Here are some examples to get you going:
- Amazing Grace
- Vivacious Vixen
- Deserving Radiant Goddess of Light
- Saucy Minx
- Adorable Angel of Joy
- Beloved Mighty Isis
- Happy and Fearless Goddess of Unconditional Love
- Joyful Chosen Magnificent Jewel
- Sparkling Confident Queen of Love
- Playful Precious Mesmerizing Lioness
- Sparkalicious Loving One
If you need help with giving yourself an empowering, self-loving Diamond Self nickname, definitely schedule a free session by phone or Skype with one of my gifted coaches.
Now that you have your Diamond Self name it is time to go shopping and dress “Lovely Irresistible Dancer,” or whoever has emerged as your unique new you. Pull a new look together by thinking about your sensual, beautiful, and lovable name. Buy lingerie and clothes that are in alignment with your new self and show off the parts of your body that you love. Get a haircut that frames and showcases the beauty in that face you see in the mirror. Find jewelry that symbolizes her radiant, lively, sensual, and loving nature.
So the foundation of attracting a healthy relationship is to develop your own self love with these 3 simple but very powerful steps. From there I want you to date against type and casually date 3 guys at the same time. I know, I know, you can’t even find one good guy to date! But the truth is you can, if you know how. No time to go into how to make that work right now. But it is all in Love in 90 Days. So pick up a copy to understand where to find the great guys.
Now here is a video on how to attract healthy relationships:
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As a relationship expert, I've helped thousands of women get the love they want - even when it seemed impossible. I’m Dr. Diana Kirschner. You might know me from my PBS Special, seen me on Oprah, or have read one of my bestselling books.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
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