How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List
How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List: Priorities
Let’s first talk about priorities. Most couples let sex fall to the bottom of the bottomless To-Do list. We daydream about it, talk about it with our best friends, but the amount of time couples actually spend doing it is pathetically low. On average only two times a week. So I’ll be generous here and say that is about two hours per week. Very generous.
Talk about low priority.
Be honest. Count it up. Less time than reading and responding to emails, reading your Kindle, posting on Facebook, screwing around with your iPad and iPhone, watching Netflix. Playing with your partner comes after work, parenting, and those all- important trips to the grocery store, Costco, Walmart, and the rest of the errands. Yes, of course, those sixty rolls of toilet paper and paper towels couldn’t wait. Seriously, are any of these the fountain of youth? I think NOT.
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At the end of a busy day, folks are ready to fall into bed and it sure isn’t for great sex. Since it is not a priority, it is either not very fulfilling or happens infrequently. Or both. And nature’s rule is if you don’t use it, you lose it. If you don’t tone up your sexual engine, it doesn’t just idle. It shuts off!
How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List: The Case of Joyce and Brad
So there is a huge downside if you don’t turn your priorities around, as this sad story from our relationship coaching practice attests.
Joyce stammered as she choked back tears. “But there was nothing wrong, I mean we weren’t fighting or anything. And then I found the card his “female friend” sent him.” She shot Brad a daggered look. “She signed it, I’m ready when you are!”
Brad scowled. “It didn’t mean anything. We were just working late. We flirted but nothing happened.”
So I pointedly asked Brad: “Nothing happened? Or were you on the verge of putting her on top of the desk?”
I swear on my life, Brad defended. “But I will say I’m infatuated with her and have fantasized about it.”
After a lot of screaming (Joyce) I pressed him further. But it was clear that Brad was having an emotional affair that hadn’t progressed to the actual stage.
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How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List: The Breakthrough
So I looked at Joyce and Brad, and asked, “Just how often were you two making love before Brad’s affair started?”
“Not much,” Brad sighed as he rubbed his forehead.
“It was hard, with him stuck at the office and me with endless reports that were due yesterday,” Joyce added.
“Wasn’t it even harder when you first met?” I asked. “You both were in school and working.” They nodded as I continued, “But you managed to have sex then.”
“We lost it somehow. We lost each other.” Joyce slumped down, her tears streaming, as she clutched one of the couch pillows. Brad held his head.
“You two forgot something pivotal, something monumental that glues couples together.” I said. And then you let sex fall to the bottom of the to do list.
“What do you mean?” Brad asked.
“You forgot to plan for sex,” I said smiling.
Of course, Joyce and Brad had to work through the heartbreak and betrayal of an emotional affair. Yet, affairs with others are common when you let sex fall to the bottom of the bottomless to-do list.
Now let’s look at the other big-time obstacle to having a great sex life: too much fantasy.
How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List: Fantasy vs. Action
The second reason as to how sex falls to the bottom of the to do list is that we naturally prefer fantasy to taking action. It’s easier. That’s why we prefer to read Fifty Shades of Grey and Bared to You or watch sexy romantic movies or porn to having sex with our partner. When we read or watch steamy scenes, we are in a fantasy just like we were when we were teenagers. And what does the teenage mind get? That sexual encounters are the most feverish and passionate when two people suddenly and without warning kiss and caress each other hungrily, rip off their clothes, and go at it. And that these model lovers know exactly what to do with each other without talking or asking.
Well, guess what? It’s a book; it’s a movie. In fantasy, there are no cell phones, emails, children, or overflowing toilets that interfere with smokin’ hot sex. In fact, our overscheduled lives don’t permit that spontaneity.
Face it, if you want sex not to fall to the bottom of the to do list, you’d better take action and plan for it. Even though no one else thinks of scheduling sex and it’s not supposed to be discussed as an activity. Planned sex—yuck!
No. Planned sex = yummy!
How Sex Falls to the Bottom of the To Do List: Overcoming All Obstacles to Having Fun
When it’s set up to happen, it is fantastic. It should no longer be something that just happens on vacations. Don’t relegate it to a quickie because you’re both late for work, have to get to sleep, or the kids are calling. Don’t wait until you’re so horny you can’t stand it anymore. Sex shouldn’t be just for daydreams or fantasies as you watch erotic movies or read romance novels.
So you need to carve out a clear space and time for sizzling sexy encounters. Don’t sit around wondering how sex falls to the bottom of the to list. Instead, plan for sex and then act on that plan. Rather than living with unsatisfying quickies, fantasies or having an emotional or actual affair. But if you and your partner are still struggling to plan for sex my team of coaches are ready to help. In fact, let me buy you a session so you can see how valuable this work can be for your relationship.
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As a relationship expert, I've helped thousands of women get the love they want-even when it seemed impossible. I'm Dr. Diana Kirschner. You might know me from my PBS Special, seen me on Oprah, or have read one of my bestselling books.
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