How do I get the sexy back with my partner?

get the sexy back

This question just came in from Liz in Seattle:

My live-in boyfriend feels more like a friend than a lover!  He is great in so many other ways, but I just don’t feel a spark when he wants to make love. How do I get the sexy back?

Turning Your Sexiness Back On

Dear Liz,

Many people in long-term relationships and marriages feel this same lack of desire. They just are not feeling it when it comes time to being passionate with their partners.  It’s the kind of problem that often spells the end of the relationship.  But the great news is that you can get the sexy back. Here is an excerpt from my book, 30 Days to Love: The Ultimate Relationship Turnaround Guide to help you create the irresistible sizzle and mind-set of lovers

The first thing we are going to do is have you turn on the most important person. That person is you. Think about it: when people have an affair with a new lover, they feel turned on, excited, hot. They are thinking about getting a sexy new outfit, which lingerie to wear, what to say or do with the new hottie. The process itself is very exciting and invigorating.

Nothing has changed physically. This is not a matter of being thinner, more shapely, younger, or more attractive (as we may feel we need to be in order to be more sexually alive). No. A person having an affair has not suddenly lost fifty pounds or ten years. But the thoughts have moved in a more sexual direction. People feel hotter and more in touch with their own mojo, and this changes everything.

The vibe that comes with serious flirting and open sexuality.

Don’t just take my word for it. Here’s what the great and sexy actress Kathleen Turner has to say:

“Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks; most women know otherwise.”

The Sexy Diamond Self Identity: How to Get the Sexy Back

Imagine that you can create a Diamond Self (DS) identity that represents your most evolved or ideal self (believe me, you can!).  Now I want you to imagine a sensual DS nickname that represents you at your playful, sexiest best. Here’s how: Think about a sexy celeb you admire like Angelina Jolie, Sofía Vergara, Beyoncé, or Salma Hayek; or if you are a guy, someone like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConaughey. Close your eyes and imagine that you have one or two attractive qualities this hottie has. Maybe it is a way of flirting with someone or something sensual about the way he or she moves. A free throaty laugh. Or the clothing or shoes he or she wears. What would it feel like to be similar even in some small way, to this sexy person you admire? Just play along with me here.

Now think about having the same kind of vibe that he or she has. The sensual, sexy vibe.

I want you to give yourself a new sexy Diamond Self nickname based on this imagery. Something like “Saucy Susan,” “Playful Minx” “Hot Mama” or “Sex Maven Mike.”

Fantasize about Getting Your Sexy Back

Write your nickname down, close your eyes, and have a little fantasy of you being your sexy Diamond Self with your partner. Would you be wearing those fishnet stockings and a pink teddy? Imagine the flirty ways the Hot Mama would relate, stroking her Beloved’s thigh, nibbling his earlobe, telling him she has her red thong on…. Or if you’re a guy, think about how you might strut a bit, and then take hold of your hottie’s hair while you let your tongue and fingertips send shivers of electricity through her whole body…with her moaning in ecstasy. Let your imagination go and turn yourself on as much as possible.  Please allow yourself to create your sexy Diamond Self fantasy fully and take pleasure in this erotic process. Have fun with this!

Turning yourself on, especially for women, is a powerful way to create chemistry in your couple.  So start with this process and get the sexy back with your partner.  There’s a few other simple yet explosively sensual things you can do to have chemistry with your partner that blows the lid off!  But we don’t have time to go into here.  It’s all in my just re-released and expanded best-seller Love in 90 DaysYou can start reading it right away and be pleasure-bound before you know it!


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Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.

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