Four Sex & the City Dating Patterns

Now that a whole generation has discovered SATC, I thought it would be fun to revise one of my first blogs on this site.  Hope you enjoy! Are you more like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte? Which of the four Sex & The City dating patterns are you?

There are four common Deadly Dating patterns that single women struggle with: Crumbs, Chase Me, Not Perfect-I’ll Pass and Safety Net. The Sex & the City characters, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, are good examples of women who dealt with these self-sabotaging patterns. The characters transformed their unique patterns in order to develop love relationships. Each of the Deadly Dating patterns reflects specific love relationship challenges and triumphs that many single women face. Here are the four types with brief fixes that help overcome the obstacles of these dating patterns:

1. The Crumbs Dating Pattern (like Carrie).

• Accepting seductive and wonderful treatment from a guy who is ultimately
  out of reach & afraid of commitment (Mr. Big).
• Fantasizing about and falling for men who put her second, behind work or
  other women (Russian artist, Aleksandr Petrovsky).
• Cheating on a man who really loved her (Aidan) and pushing him away.

Deeper Dynamic: Believing that you don’t deserve a relationship in which you come first.

The Crumbs Fix.

Give up the crumbs and take a seat at the banquet table. First, break up with the guys that are only giving you crumbs. Then make a rule. I only date men who are available and crazy about me . Try this on for size. Even if it means spending time with guys who “aren’t good enough” but who treat you like royalty.

2. The Chase Me Dating Pattern (like Samantha).

• Endlessly claiming she did not really want to have a relationship.
• Leaving lovers & moving on for no apparent reason.
• Fearing intimacy (Smith holding her hand in public!) and commitment.

Deeper Dynamic: A desperate need to be claimed, almost against your will, (As Smith successfully did with Samantha in the end.)

The Chase Me Fix:

Unless he’s a real jerk, no testiness or running off! Instead, take a chance — hang in there and be real with him.

3. The Not Perfect—I’ll Pass Dating Pattern (like Charlotte).

• Fussy and a perfectionist
• Almost passed on Harry Goldenblatt, a man who was good husband material but balding & unpolished.
• Judgmental and constricted about sexuality.

Deeper Dynamic: A self-critical nature where you judge anyone who would want you as “not good enough.”

The Not Perfect – I’ll Pass Fix:

Listen to the voice in your head that is hypercritical of you. Then you won’t be projecting so much. If you start feeling turned off when he spills his coffee, say to yourself, I’m being picky and critical in some way of myself. Even though this feels strange, it will change the way you look at men.

4. The Safety Net Dating Pattern (like Miranda).

• Afraid of being alone & pessimistic about her odds of meeting a great guy.
• Dating guys she feels are beneath her.
• Attracted to a man only if other women are interested in him or he’s left her (Steve).

Deeper Dynamic: Low self esteem & a sense that you can’t compete with other women for a really great successful guy.

The Safety Net Fix:

Either leave or help this guy grow into someone you could fall for! If you see yourself in these dating patterns, congratulations. Insight is the first step to freeing yourself to create the relationship you want!

You can learn much more about Deadly Dating Patterns and how to overcome them in my newly revised and expanded dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.