Finding the One: The Dating Program of Three
Finding the One
If you want to know the best way to approach finding the one, listen to the wise words of the Bard. “Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.” In other words, Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. In my experience as a Love Mentor, the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three. And therefore, it’s the best way to find the One.
The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex. Or risk losing him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath. The deadly-dating pattern called the Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you. And who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.
I Know this Program Sounds Impossible
The idea of finding the One by juggling, three guys may sound challenging if not downright impossible! Let me reassure you: it has worked for thousands of women. And it won’t be difficult for you once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn here.
There are four sound biological & psychological reasons why the Dating Program of Three works!
The Dating Program of Three helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make. Like the addictive moth-to-a-flame, they get over-involved with some new guy who is supposedly the “One.” I call it the Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
In Finding the One Avoid This Second Mistake
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.
Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hot-wired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together the addiction intensifies.
In your quest for finding the One, if you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk. If this man rejects you or disappears, you will go through an agonizing withdrawal. Then you will suffer from sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts. all mess with your brain chemistry even further.
The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player. Or completely all wrong for you.
Finding the One Requires Restraint
Third, the Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during and after the whole sexual act. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle and bonding hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed. Whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation and pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose your footing.
Get the Men’s Juices Flowing
Lastly, when you go about finding the one using our Program you will discover something amazing. When men find out that you are dating multiple guys, it will get their juices flowing. Some men, especially achievers, are wired to compete and win in the courtship game. In this way, their competitiveness is aroused. When his reward (you) is not easily gained, his brain will pump out more and more of the rapturous chemical dopamine. Extra dopamine intensifies his feelings of being swept away by love.
As one love researcher puts it, “Those who want to trigger romance in a would‑be lover might artfully create some mystery; barriers and uncertainty in the relationship.” When you are on the Dating Program of Three, you do not have to fake this quality of not being so available. Your finding the one program automatically accomplishes this desirable state. As one client discovered, “Now I don’t have to pretend. I am hard to get.”
Dating three guys also helps clarify what you want and need in a man. Because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So for example, when Friday rolls around and ‘Sean’ is cheap, Saturday’s date with ‘Randy’ will clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one.
How to Work the Program of Three
This dating method is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. You will keep your eye on the prize: a lasting love relationship. The finding the one program helps you break through your Deadly Dating Patterns, frees you from the “three-date rule,” and keeps you protected from all the scenarios designed to break your heart. Of course, there are definitely obstacles to creating a Program of Three, but I’ve helped thousands of women do this already, and you’re no different. You can do it, too! And this article will show you how.
I can hear you already. “Dr. Diana,” you might be thinking, “I’m still trying to find ONE man to date. How can I find three?” First of all, listen up, ladies. there are more than 51 million single men just in the U.S. right now. And different ones are coming on the market all the time! And every year, there are new online dating sites and apps that bring in whole new crops to choose from. There are men out there. No matter what your age, weight or “problem” is.
Get Rid Of Stinking Thinking
In order to work the Love in 90 Days program, you must cut back on the negative self‑talk. Like, “I’m too fat, too old, too shy, I have too much cellulite, blah blah blah”. Most women also carry around negative self‑ talk based on scarcity. This kind of stinking thinking compels them to grab the one they’re with. They think, I might as well jump in because there are no good men out there. There are too many women and too few men! Or I have to hang on to him because I have to take whatever I can get! And other depressing, self‑defeating thoughts.
Committing to Finding the One by working the Dating Program of Three banishes this stinking thinking. There is nothing like having three men interested in you to boost your self‑esteem. And also helps you practice the kind of self‑loving inner dialogue that is an important key to creating a love relationship that lasts.
Here’s how Joan, a thirty‑nine‑year old realtor who had emerged from an empty marriage a year before she started in coaching, describes working the Program:
It has been daunting to date three men as I never had dated that many at a time. But it is helping me to stay less attached to who I think is “the one.” And with so much attention, it’s strange, but I’m just beginning to feel, “I deserve to be courted. I’m worth it for guys to hang in there and work for me.”
What if you have special challenges?
Maybe you are over 45? Or African-American? Perhaps you are a single mom or so highly successful you scare men away? In my newly revised and expanded dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love I devote an entire chapter to these groups. In it, you’ll find the latest research that dispels many of the urban love legends that we believe in. More importantly, you will learn exactly how to go about finding the one and creating a lasting love relationship.
In fact, almost every coaching client that was willing to consistently work the principles, made the Program work. No matter what her challenges or deadly dating patterns were, she was able to work a successful Dating Program of Three.
How Drew Found the One
It’s not as hard as it seems. Drew, a 42-year old single executive with weight issues, was the highest bidder at a charity auction. Guess what she won? Yes, a mentoring session with me over lunch. Here’s what she emailed me about a year later:
I particularly thought the point of ‘dating three guys at once’ was amusing at first, but then you know…. it worked. Even though at times I knew some guy wasn’t going to be the love of my life. It was still a diversion from getting over-involved too fast. Before I knew it was the right thing. I think this is the best advice ever and have passed it on to several of my friends.
Last summer, I joined a large online dating site and ended up meeting a really nice guy. Although at first not necessarily what I was looking for. We get along great, have tons in common, and it’s by far the most mature and healthy relationship I think I have ever been in. We were engaged this past October while on vacation in Florence. He proposed in front of the Fountain of Neptune in the Piazza della Signoria. We are planning a wedding for next June on Martha’s Vineyard.
Finding the One: Shift the Balance of Power
When you begin dating three men at once, you’re shifting the balance of power to be more equitable. Starting now, take a stand for yourself, a stand that says you deserve a great partner. Take your time, learn what is possible in a relationship, and start playing an active role in choosing who you’re with. Don’t wait to be chosen. Now, with all the online and offline possibilities you have an abundance of men at arm’s reach, you have the ability to pick and choose for yourself.
This post was excerpted from my just published book, Love in 90 Days.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.