Dating Dilemmas of Successful Women: How to Speak Your Truth so He’ll Actually Listen
Ever feel like it’s impossible to speak your truth and tell your partner what you really think?
Worried you’ll scare him away if you tell him what you really think, feel and want? Have you felt that speaking up has only caused disagreements and distance in the past? If you worry about speaking up, I have the most fabulous news! There is a way to share your truth that will actually bring you closer and enable you to get your needs met.
If you want to create a real love that lasts, you must speak your truth. We all have to have courage to have loving straight talk with our partners. I call this Soulmate Talking — communicating who you are and what you really need and want. Yet, this can be the hardest thing ever — even for successful women who have no problem asking for what they want at work.
Take Karen, for example. A lively litigation attorney who recently signed up for Love Mentoring® with one of my coaches, she just started dating a cute banker. She’s crazy about him, except for one issue: He is chronically late. By date 6 she was exasperated but afraid speaking up would scare him away.
Then there’s Johanna, a savvy business owner based in Washington, DC. She’s felt increasingly lonely in her relationship with her husband, who tends to work late hours. She’d love for him to spend more time with her and come home early a few nights a week. She feels like her husband should just know she wants to see him more. Since he isn’t getting it, she keeps quiet and tells herself that her need isn’t a big deal. Or she drops hints that her husband is oblivious to.
Here’s the crux of the matter: You must be authentic in your relationships… from the beginning. If you do not speak your truth, a distance will grow between the two of you and love will disappear from your relationship. That’s when people start having affairs. And not with each other! Moreover, you want to be with someone who wants to come through for you. You must tell him how to do just that.
There’s another benefit gained when you speak your truth and, most importantly, your deeper needs for encouragement, support, and dedication. We now know through research on healthy couples that having your partner’s help in growing as a person and vice versa also improves the quality of the whole relationship. In fact, as Pearl Buck once said, “Love dies only when growth stops.” So reach for your courage, take a risk and speak up. As they say, No guts, no glory.
Here are the essential keys for speaking up so he’ll actually listen.
- Assume that he wants to come through for you! (As I said, the right man will!)
- Be positive when you speak up. Even give him a compliment. For example: “Joe, I love how you take care of me. It would make me so happy if you could just drive a little slower.” Or, “Kyle, I love going on dates with you! It would make me even happier if you could be on time next time.” Or, “Honey, I would love it if you would rub my back.”
- Avoid mind reading! He doesn’t just know he should be doing this or that.
- Don’t ruminate on things for weeks or months and then explode in a negative rant. (For example: “You’re always late! I’m so fed up!” or “We never do anything anymore. You’re so lazy!” Framing things this way only leads to distance.)
- Praise him when he comes through for you.
If you find you have a lot of trouble with speaking your truth, I have good news: You can go ahead and have a gratis consult with one of my expert coaches by phone or Skype. I set up a support system to help people all over the world get in touch with their truth and express it. It is that important.
As the great psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm said:
“There is nothing of which we are more ashamed than of not being ourselves. And there is nothing which brings us greater joy and happiness than to think, feel, and say what is ours.”
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.