Dating after Divorce: Five Hacks for Success in Love
Dating after divorce is challenging—and it may seem next to impossible. You might be coming out of a long-term marriage, or a depleting relationship where you felt lonely, betrayed, wounded and sad. You may be feeling like you are a “loser” when it comes to relationships. Or feeling like you are damaged, after suffering lots of rejection or abuse from your ex.
Do you feel like your “dating muscles” are atrophied? Like you don’t have the slightest idea how to go about flirting, or meeting the opposite sex? And what about handling issues of sexually transmitted diseases? You might feel like your body is now too old, too fat or over-the-hill unattractive. Disrobing in front of a new romantic partner? Definitely not.
Dating After Divorce: A Whole New World
Plus, today’s dating world doesn’t remotely resemble the one you knew. What is with Dating Apps like Tinder? Or Bumble? And all the other online dating sites? So many people say they are burnt out on digital dating because they can’t get it to work. How do you choose the best sites and get results? How proactive are women supposed to be? Is the third-date rule (for having sex) still in effect? Just how do you handle a discussion about STDs? These and other worries can be very daunting.
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Dating After Divorce: The Upside
Because of all these new apps and dating sites, the potential for finding new love that meets the calling of your heart has never been better! Forty million Americans are no using digital dating! There as some super great matches out there for you. You just need to learn how to find them.
Many divorced women, have gone out there and had the fun and excitement of their teenage years all over again (and with the wisdom of the years, it’s even better!). I have a Love Mentor® Coaching program where we have worked with thousands of divorced people all over the world, and I have seen this amazing phoenix-from-the ashes effect over and over again. As you break free from a relationship that didn’t work out, you can begin to soar!
Dating After Divorce: A Success Story
A 54-year-old artist named Jo in our coaching program recently e-mailed me about her new boyfriend:
After living in a loveless marriage for so long, I am finally coming alive!!! Pete, my new boyfriend, adores me. He tells me I am a treasure, a rare beauty. I make him feel alive after so many years of being dead. Pete loves my laugh, my weird sense of humor and my little doggie. We are planning a romantic trip to Tahiti—a lifelong dream of mine. I am beginning a whole new life that is better than I ever could have imagined!!!
Dating After Divorce: Finding A Whole New Better-Than-Ever You
Once you take the dating plunge, you may be very pleasantly surprised at what unfolds! When you get back in your stride you will feel more confident, clearer about what you want, wiser and more appreciative of what you do have to offer. Older women who are worried that they are over the hill often are happily surprised to find that often, younger women cannot compete with them for a guy’s attention. The thirty-somethings are too active and demanding in terms of nightlife and other activities, whereas a 45+ man may prefer the seasoned wise companionship and deep healing love of a woman who has been there and done that
Here’s what Shirley, a 50-year-old divorcee in our coaching program is experiencing:
I just met another amazing guy on Match. I winked. He e-mailed. I e-mailed back. He called me and we had a fabulous conversation. He was so easy to talk to and seemed honest and sincere. I asked some pretty blunt questions that he happily answered in good detail. And he’s tall! He created a business and sold it in 2006 because he had plenty of money and wanted to do something else. On the other hand, Bill, the writer, is coming out this afternoon. We are going to the beach. Bill says that he has written a poem for me…
Dating After Divorce: Five Hacks for Success
- Create a New You, who is freed from the suffering of the past and creating new possibilities for her future. Start a regular exercise program. It is definitely the fountain of youth. Give yourself a makeover so that you look great in your own eyes. Get that trendy haircut, go shopping, try out those clothes that your friend wears that give her a sexy, attractive or powerful look. This will give you a tremendous boost of self-esteem and set the stage to meet someone great.
- Let your posse help you. Put out the word in your network that you are ready to date after the divorce. At first, don’t be picky — simply tell folks you are looking for a wonderful person.
- Go to Mentastic activities. These are on-going classes/activities that really interest you and that have lots of guys in them. For example, courses on finance, investing, sports and leadership, snowboarding/skiing, hiking, and cigar tasting usually have a lot of men in them. If you’re not sure, ask the registrar about the ratio of men to women. There are many other fun activities, classes, and clubs so Google any class/topic plus “your city” and “classes.” When you get there, have loads of fun, which will make you super attractive. If you like what you see, smile, make eye contact, give a sincere compliment or ask for help.
- Use one large online dating site like Match plus an app like Tinder. Make sure you take a great photo of the New You where you are wearing red (men rate women who wear red as more beautiful!) smiling with your beautiful loving energy and looking into the camera. Once you get an amazing shot, use it as your profile photo. Write a warm, inviting upbeat profile. But know that digital dating is a numbers game! Lower your expectations at first, until you get the hang of it! Then you will avoid burn-out and the gems will come.
- Initially date 3 guys casually with no sex. This is because in this dating environment guys tends to ghost or disappear on you. So it is best to keep your options open and not get too dependent on one guy. BTW you can find 3 good guys! After at least 2 months of dating with consistently improving contact, you can become exclusive and have sex with your top guy. Make sure it is safe sex until you are both tested for STDs.
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Dating After Divorce: Devote Time to Practicing
Put some time into using these tips. In fact, most people spend more time planning a vacation than they do planning their dating lives. And they get great vacations and little-to-no love life! So, if you want to date after divorce, screw up your courage, get out your calendar and set aside 7 to 10 hours per week. Use that time to attend courses, to work your online dating program and actually go out on dates.
Dating After Divorce: Launch to Your New Future
So now you have the basic tools for successful dating after divorce. Face down your fears and insecurities and get in the game. The great news is now you know what you don’t want. If you would like support in getting through divorce and into your new life, you can have the gift of a free Breakthrough-To-Love Session by phone or Skype with one of my awesome coaches, just as Jo and Shirley did.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.