Appreciation in Happy Couples is the Key to Happiness
Appreciation in Happy Couples
Appreciation in happy couples is a key to their happiness. In fact, partners in passionate long-term happy couples live in a state of appreciation for each other. They tend to see each other through a glass half-full perspective rather than a half-empty one. In other words, they tend to place greater value on each other’s positive qualities rather than their negatives. They recognize that everyone has issues: there is no perfect person.
In the everyday practice of appreciation in a happy couple, the partners do not focus on flaws but instead highly value each other’s strengths.
Instead of grimacing about her husband’s workaholic ways and being grumpy about his paunch, a happy wife sees a man who uses love and humor to nurture her when she’s down. Instead of zoning in on his wife’s moodiness and complaining about her not wanting enough sex, a husband in a happy couple sees a warm, funny minx that lights up his life.
Happy couples that live in a state of appreciation for each other give their partners the benefit of the doubt when they do something that is disappointing or hurtful. Instead of mean-spirited criticism, rejection, or attack, they often see good or simply uninformed intentions underlying what their partners do or say.
In unhappy couples, the partners can never win. Even when one spouse tries to be nice, he or she is greeted with paranoia; the other spouse is suspicious about underlying intentions and thinks that the loving act is simply a setup to be disappointed and hurt once again. This makes it hard and, in the end, almost impossible to simply take in a gesture of love. There are few such barriers for healthy and happy couples.
Research on Appreciation in Happy Couples
Research clearly shows that a happy couple practices appreciation, which leads to gratefulness. Because they’re focused on blessings, they enjoy their lives together much more than those who focus on what’s wrong. And many studies show that feeling grateful is a key component of happiness. Bottom line: When you are busy counting your misfortunes it is next to impossible to make yourself or your partner happy. If you find yourself stuck and unhappy in your relationship, we can help. Please sign up at our
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What to Do with Your Upset Over Not Being Appreciated
I know, I know, YOU need appreciation, and to be cherished, and loved up. Your partner might act clueless, mean, distant, or like an a-hole right now. You may feel resentful, rejected, lonely, disappointed, abandoned, or empty. You are TOTALLY RIGHT in feeling upset. I have definitely been there many times myself. So when you go in to find something to appreciate about your partner it may be very difficult to see anything that is positive right now.
So what to do with the upset?
Here’s what: For your own sake I want you to set it aside for just a few minutes each day for this week. Let your resentment and upset go for a moment. Do this as a gift to yourself first and foremost.
Being self-righteous and angry is like pouring poison into your brain. You are the one who is suffering. Not your partner. So take a break from “being right” so that YOU can be happy. Just a few times a day, say to yourself, honey, I so appreciate you. Create moments of appreciation where you list some of your most wonderful characteristics. Start living in appreciation of who you are and the rest will follow.
For a lot more info on the value of appreciation in happy couples and much much more (7000 words more) be sure to visit our Happy Couple! page.
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.