4 Things Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate
What’s Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate?
Sometimes it seems like the chances of finding your soulmate are slim to none. You may be feeling like you will never ever find your one true love! I know. In fact, you may even be burnt out with dating altogether.
But in this blog I’m going to give you four key reasons you haven’t found your soulmate and how to fix every single one of them! In fact, you will be able to exponentially increase your chances of finding your soulmate after you see the patterns that are holding you back. So let’s get started!
#1 Thing that is Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate: Not asking yourself the right questions about your potential or new matches
Are you wondering if he is tall enough, or mega-successful, or handsome enough? These kind of questions have to do with more superficial issues. Questions that are simply focused on appearance, income or other externals will not get you to Soulmate love. If these areas are your sole focus, you are asking the wrong questions to screen in who makes it to your dating dance card. You could easily wind up dating a narcissist, a player or someone who is not really into you for the long term.
Instead, here are three key questions that will lead you to your true soulmate. These three questions take you deeper in examining the true loving potential of each match. They separate what I call a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude) from a STUD (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dude). They weed out those who are heart-breakers or not good love matches. There is no perfect guy. But you can find a wonderful guy who is willing to grow into an almost perfect STUD!
When you meet someone, ask yourself the following questions to increase your chances of finding your soulmate..
Is this guy:
I. Crazy About Me?
- Eager to see me
- Reluctant to leave me
- Interested in me and my life
- Wants to be helpful
- Is verbally and physically affectionate
- Wants to be sexual with me
- Acts like I am very special; doesn’t really want to date others
- Willing to hang in there as I work the Program of Three
Contender to increase your chances of finding your soulmate= Yes on at least 4 of the above
II. Willing to Grow?
- Takes suggestions or advice
- Is self-reflective
- Is willing to go to therapy or life coaching
- Takes growth courses
- Meditates or prays
- Is in a 12-step program or men’s group
Contender to increase your chances of finding your soulmate = Yes on at least 2 of the above
III. Meeting the Basics?
- Is a good guy—reliable, tells the truth, cares about others
- Wants a real, committed relationship
- Willing to have children if I want them
- Has a good income and successful career
- Is a member of my religious faith
- Is not in an intimate relationship with anyone else
- Shares some chemistry with you
- Comes from a stable family of origin
- Is geographically desirable
Contender to increase your chances of finding your soulmate = Yes on at least 4 of the above
A guy has to meet the standards in each of the categories to be eligible to be in the running. In fact, choosing from this pool of men will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. Using the DUD/STUD screening greatly increases your chances of finding your soulmate and sets you up to have a solid, long-lasting love relationship. This means that your partner is your best friend, but with great sex.
I know, I know—you can’t even get one good guy to date. Yes, you can, and you will. Keep on reading to find out how.
#2 Thing that is Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate: Severely limiting your pool of possibilities
Are you limiting yourself to only a certain age, weight, appearance, profession or nearby location? If so you may be cutting off contact with someone who could be your true match and amazing soulmate! The truth is that love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. One client who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike later created a gem of a marriage with a short, plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life.
If a guy passes the three-question test, give him a real chance, even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. If he passes the DUD/STUD Test, go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting him once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Even if you feel there is no chemistry. Because chemistry can happen over time.
Remember, you are breaking your patterns which have been ruining your chances of finding your soulmate..
#3 Thing that is Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate: Going after the wrong guys.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but
by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.—Sam Keen
Are you always choosing the one who doesn’t really want you, the alcoholic, the narcissist, the guy who gives you crumbs or the cheater? If so, you are wasting time with these matches—time that could be used to find your true soulmate. Listen up: these are the wrong matches for you!
In the very beginning of a relationship it may be very hard or even impossible to know for sure if a guy is playing out destructive dating patterns of abandonment, betrayal or abuse. Many of the patterns start out with a perfectly great opening phase. But things go down hill pretty fast and before you know it, you are very unhappy. You know what I mean. If you are involved with one right now, break it off and cut your losses!
In order to increase your chances of finding your soulmate, I advise dating three men at the same time casually with no sex (kissing and canoodling is OK). If you see three guys at the same time and compare and contrast their styles, you will see their romantic patterns more easily. By going slowly and avoiding sex with all of them for at least two months, you will be able to see each one’s positives and negatives emerge.
#4 Thing that is Ruining Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate: Not getting out there.
Do you spend hours texting, Facebooking, e-mailing, gabbing, Net surfing, or shopping on Amazon because you have nothing better to do? Do you let a demanding job swallow your whole life? Are you ruining your chances of finding your soulmate by not getting out there? In order to find out, list your activities in descending order from the ones you spend the most time on (work and sleep) down to the ones you spend the least time on. Just remember to put down the number of hours per week you spend on each activity.
Here’s how Shareena, a coaching client, who is a twenty-eight-year-old paralegal, broke down her 168-hour week:
Sleep: 56 hours
Work: 50 hours
Watching TV/surfing Net: 12 hours Shopping/errands: 12 hours
Facebook/Twitter/Instagram: 8 hours Gaming/Apps 8 hours
Dinner/drinking/coffee/movies with friends: 6 hours
Gym: 6 hours
Class: 2 hours
I don’t know??: 8 hours
When you do this exercise you may be amazed at how much time you squander.
In fact, this exercise is designed to confront you with all your time wasters: texting, Face Timing or talking about the latest gossip. Plus, losing yourself in social media or playing addictive games on apps, watching TV and channel surfing, aimlessly shopping on- or off-line, and/or isolating yourself through work, drinking too much alcohol or other means. So ask yourself: What time-wasting activities can I eliminate?
Increasing Your Chances of Finding Your Soulmate Online and Off
So to increase your chances of finding your soulmate I recommend working two digital dating sites, a large one like Match.com or Tinder and a boutique site like JDate or Ourtime for over 50s.
In addition, I recommend going to “mentastic” activities—offline things you love to do that have lots of men in them. Here are some examples:
- Investing, business, or leadership at your local college’s school of continuing and professional studies
- Rock climbing
- Snowboarding or skiing
- Wine or cigar tasting
- Coed city sports teams (these usually have an even mix of men and women)
At these events, enjoy yourself, smile and say hello to the guys! This will greatly increase your chances of finding your soulmate!
So there you have four critical things that may be ruining your chances of finding your soulmate and what to do about each one! But if you are still struggling with finding a true soulmate, here’s my gift to you. I will personally match you with one of my expert coaches for a free session by phone or Skype!
ATTRACT THE ONE AND CREATE THE LASTING RELATIONSHIP YOU DESIRE
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Dr. Diana Kirschner
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.
“Diana Kirschner’s work is life-changing, love-affirming and wonderfully effective.”
~Dr. Christiane Northrup, Internationally bestselling author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.