Why Are Some Men Emotionally Unavailable?

This is one of several articles on men and their underlying needs and fears that appear in the Dating Advice for Women Series.
emotionally unavailablePerhaps you feel you met the One. Yet he disappears soon after. Has he met someone else?  Why is he running hot and cold?  Do you have a future together?  You wonder, Is it me?  Is it him? Is this man emotionally unavailable and why do I mess with him?

Maybe you tend to be involved with a guy for a few months and then he always falls away mysteriously, leaving you alone.  Maybe you have been with a guy for 10 years who brings over the chicken soup when you are sick, is there whenever you need him, yet is completely emotionally unavailable for building a lasting relationship or family.  Or maybe you are in a long term on-again, off-again relationship where one or the other of you periodically withdraws or sees other people. The whole thing can be very UNSETTLING and uncertain emotionally.  I know.

Have you ever been involved and in love with one man for months, or even years, only to find that he simply cannot or will not take that next step into living together or marriage? Instead he gets irritated, distant, angry or simply hits the highway if there is any talk of sharing a future together? If you have read this far I know that you have had at least one of these FRUSTRATING experiences with a guy. First thing is to get you ongoing support and making it work with him (if you want to)! So before we explore the minds of emotionally unavailable men take a moment and sign up for my free Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

The Mysteries of Emotionally Unavailable Men

Men can be very tough, almost impossible to figure out! They often have their own specific fears. If you are interested in a great guy and finding it hard to figure out what is going on, it is often best to have a second pair of “eyes’ on the situation. To help you read the guy’s smoke signals and understand how to proceed to make things work out with him. A wise person who can help you avoid making costly MISTAKES that are common in love. To help you get the relationship you really want.

So if you are feeling down, or stuck in your love life or UNSURE of just how to handle a situation with a guy who continues to disappoint you or is emotionally unavailable: consider getting that “second pair of eyes or ears” to help you. There is a very unique opportunity for you right now because you can have a free one-on-one coaching session from a trained Love Mentor®.

Fortunately, I’ve worked for over 25 years as a psychologist, clinical supervisor of therapists, and as a Love Mentor® I’ve heard just about every issue single guys have!  I’ve logged thousands of hours in the trenches listening to men as they’ve completely opened up and explored their deepest issues, problems, needs and fears.  Those private moments have given me a unique window into understanding guys’ fears about maturity, commitment, forming a couple or creating a family.  I understand how their minds work–how men tend to view love relationships and all the different resistances they have toward choosing a woman for the long haul.  And why they are emotionally unavailable? But even more important than knowing the WHYs has been figuring out out HOW to guide many men, (including hard-core commitment-phobes) through the process of making a true lasting commitment to a woman. 

So here’s a small part of all I’ve learned about the minds of men.  The good news is that they, like us, for the most part want true love, even a soul mate. Down deep they realize that they’d be happier, more content and more sexually fulfilled if they had a good relationship.  The bad news is they are also scared. They often push real intimacy or commitment away.  These men equate dating with fun, sex and feeling good. Unfortunately, they also equate commitment with heavy responsibilities, a sexless life, and a boring existence. They see a life filled with endless chores like taking out the garbage, being a chauffeur and changing diapers.

Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming couple that just leads to a dreadful life of providing, providing and more providing. And ending in a quiet heart attack in the suburbs.  They also fear that they simply cannot handle a woman’s emotional baggage, her fitful dramas or that they are not equipped to make a woman happy. These fears play out in a variety of ways that lead to his becoming emotionally unavailable. 

That’s why dating and creating a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man can be so confusing and frustrating. So if you are stuck in your love life or UNSURE of just how to deal with a guy who you’re into but who has disappointed you, remember to sign up for a free dating coaching session with one of my experts right on this page. It may change your life.     

Wishing you great love,
Dr. Diana

About Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed relationship advice book, "Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love", and of the best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.


  1. says

    Dear Lisa,
    I would spend time meeting some available men who are located near you. If you need some help in finding them, or getting more self confidence to date them, arrange to have a free 40 minute session with one of my awesome Love Mentors by phone or Skype. Just sign up at http://www.lovein90days.com/dating-coach. If you start feeling really good about yourself, many possibilities can open up. This guy could even sense your new self confidence. You might feel like sending him some flirty messages.
    Wishing you love!

  2. Lisa says

    I like your blog, as mostly I have only found oppinons of experts advising to get the run when one get’s involved with an emo unavailable. I am glad there is some hope in the end.
    I have been writing with a guy from overseas now since 2 years who was looking for a friendship right from the beginning. He has a few friends online, mainly female ones. Unfortunately I have fallen for him totally, considering his pics and his thoughts. He never got more interested in me, and I made the mistake after a few months of writing that I told him about my deeper feelings towards him. He stood me up, still asking if the friendship kind of connection would be useful for me, as he didn’t want to make me any hopes for more. When he realized that I reacted somehow disappointed and insulted, but in the end agreed with this connection, he told me about having written with a female friend for understanding the female aspects on his issues he still had from his last relationship. Then he developed affection for that penpal friend, but after a year she moved to an old study friend of hers and their communication ended. He told me that in times of affection he had been contacting her often, even phoning with her and they had nearly met each other. It felt so cruel to me that to me he kept writing after a whole couple of days. Since that I am making him believe I really only want to be friends too. Last Christmas he wrote a mail and sent a flirt to me for the first time. I didn’t take it seriously so I didn’t return it to him. He often philosphies with me, also about topics of love and friendship where he stated that a friendship can turn into any kind of significant relationship. He meant that a friendship that wouldn’t last, would also not last as a serious relationship.
    But since a longer time now he has made the gaps between our mails bigger. I am thinking he is losing more and more interest. I want to make a very big gap too, maybe in a time he will least expect this from my side. I hope he would start missing me. But, I am not sure if he will, or if he only sees me as a “post-card” friendship. Although he has depressions at times, he always mails in a very freindly way, always wishing for me to be happy. This shows me that he has good intentions actually.
    I would like to know if it is possible that he can develop more affection for me, at least as much as he had developed for the former penpal he had lost. What could it have been that she did to have gained his trust?

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