Many of you have written to me recently with the same question as Maryanne:
“I still love my ex and I think he still loves me. How do I get back with my ex or should I just try to forget him?” -Maryanne, Baltimore
When my Love Mentors have delved into the particular situation, we’ve found that often, even though your relationship is officially “over”, he may suddenly resume his normal e-mails or texting you. Or even call you and ask to get together. But before you rush back to your ex and pretend that everything is business as usual, ask yourself: What’s really changed? You can give him some more contact, but do not make it too easy for him.
For example, in the first few interactions with her ex, I suggested to Maryanne that she challenge him by asking if he has had any further thoughts about the breakdown in their relationship. He wanted to see her, so she just scheduled a half-hour coffee date and made sure that afterward she had other plans. I warned her to not wind up impulsively sleeping with him again when he hadn’t demonstrated much transformation. This is the kiss of death, and I have seen it happen all too often. Well, Maryanne pulled it off perfectly and later I’ll share with you what happened.
But before we get to the 7 signs you should look for in your ex, I want to offer you my ongoing support for your dating and relationship issues. Please sign up for my free Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter. You will receive fresh information to help you date successfully, find a great partner and develop a lasting love relationship. Click here to get started.
Now let’s get back to the dating and relationship secrets that will guide you in any possible reconciliation. Here we’ll look at 7 key signs to look for in your ex’s behavior while you’re in contact with him. There are a number of others that we teach in our Love Mentoring
program but we don’t have room here. Here’s the guiding principle: In order to have more and more contact with you, your ex has to show that he is sincere. Words are cheap. More important, watch for his follow-through on actions he promises you. To help you determine whether you should get back with your ex, study if the separation has helped your guy achieve a breakthrough in his commitment to you. Has his acting out stopped? Have his doubts about you and the relationship changed for the better? Look at the list below and see if he shows at least 3 of these signs, ranging from modest improvements in behavior to deep transformations.
Seven Signs of Change
1. He shows you that he’s worried or upset (this is realistic if he really cares for you!).
2. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it, and where you’d like to take it in the future.
3. He realizes what he did wrong and is sincerely apologetic (not defensive).
4. He wants to make things up to you.
5. He is suddenly saying all the things you used to say about the relationship being great.
6. He expresses his appreciation for you and all you bring to his life.
7. If he has cheated, he cuts off contact with his lover.
If he demonstrates three or more of these signs and does want to get back with you, make sure you are having serious conversations about your future and what it’s going to take to get your relationship to a deeper level. I recommend couples counseling or love mentoring. Remember Maryanne? Her ex showed 3 of these key signs and followed through with a few more thoughtful gestures that really touched her heart. Throughout the reconciliation process Maryanne took a firm stance about what she needed from him. And within 12 months they were happily married.
Wishing you great love,
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & creator of global free love mentoring sessions and author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book “Love in 90 Days.” Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.