This dating advice for women blog is an article by one of our awesome professional Love Mentors®, Jim Delpino. Jim is a generalist, working with all ages and most issues who has been in private practice for 29 years. He has helped many women become fulfilled –sexually and in creating great love relationships.
Debbie was in her mid-thirties and panicking about not being married. So she signed up for a free love mentoring session and decided she wanted more. Debbie had suffered for years with memories of being sexually abused as a child. As an adolescent and an adult she had a history of promiscuity. She couldn’t count how many guys she slept with during those years. Her very low self esteem and belief she was ugly powered her sexual drive She was willing to take crumbs from a man just to be noticed. She was unable to say ‘no’ to men for fear they would see nothing of value in her unless she had sex with them. Then she started in Love Mentoring® with me. And Debbie began meeting and dating guys who were as she called them, “mensches.” When she met Charles she knew he was different. They fell in love and married. With my support, Debbie did something very different with Charles; she didn’t have sex with him until after they married. Charles understood that she needed to be loved fully before she could make-love for the first time. So how did this fairy tale unfold.? Below are the four secrets that Debbie used to create the love that filled her heart.
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Jim: I taught Debbie that there is an old French saying that roughly translates to: “Most men regret all of the women they never slept with while most women regret most of the men they have slept with.” This is perhaps because having intercourse is a much more emotionally risky situation for women than for men. The latest neuroscience research confirms some things we have known all along. Sex is a much more emotional and bonding-type experience for women than for men. Oxytocin and Vasopressin (the bonding chemicals) are elevated for both genders during sexual experiences. The levels of these substances are substantially higher in women than in men. In addition to bonding, higher levels of oxytocin engender more feelings of trust in the other person and even have what is known as an amnesiac effect. This temporary amnesia helps to block negative memories of the sexual partner. All of this may help to clear up, on the biological level, how much hormones can affect the sexual judgment and choices even smart, well developed women make about sexual partners and perhaps why so many women end up with sexual experiences that they feel ashamed about and/or would rather just forget.
This is where the ‘Fine Art of Seduction’ comes into play. From what I observe in life as well as in love mentoring sessions, seduction is becoming a lost art. Great sex is not the same as fast and easy sex. Seduction uses the magic of imagining and fantasizing to stir and build desire, even lust. The experience of something highly anticipated is usually more satisfying than seizing an opportunity for standard copulation. For women, having the skills to prolong the seduction has many advantages. One of those advantages is the opportunity to check the potential partner more deeply over time. Because women are ‘wired’ much more relationally than men, they are seeking not only a connection, but a connection that can be sustained over time in the context of a relationship. Having the luxury of time allows a woman to sort through her feelings and needs to see if a partner can meet her real expectations. Being a good lover does not necessarily mean being a good partner outside of the bedroom. Another advantage of making seduction a longer process is that it allows for better communication and understanding, which is one key to eventually having great sex. With profound understanding, great communication, and a bonding process over time, the likelihood of higher, deeper and broader sexual experience increases dramatically. This is why sex too soon does not equal great sex.
So here is some dating advice for women I frequently give to women like Debbie to promote a great and prolonged seduction without coming across like a prude or a person with sexual inhibitions. The four secrets are:
1) Remember that just because a man desires you it is not necessarily a compliment. Women can find men to desire them on any street corner, it is nothing special to hear from a man, “I want you”. 2) When a man expresses his desire to be with you, ask him to tell you what he’d like to do to you. This allows for you to test his creativity, evaluate his verbal communication skills and assess his sexual persona. These are all important elements in having an elevated time sexually. If a couple is unable to talk about it, then they are not ready to do it., 3) What comes to easily or too quickly is often undervalued. Waiting raises your value. Many women lack the confidence to withstand sexual advances from partners they deem to be attractive. They fear losing a good person to someone else that will ‘put out’. This is also how to differentiate between a ‘player’ who seeks conquest and a developed person who understands that a deep and sustained connection makes for great sex and a better relationship in general. Better intimacy multiplies the pleasure of sexual experiences. If you compromise here, you will pay a price. Make sure to communicate clearly that you are worth the wait., and 4) Great men like the chase. Being chased is very exciting and good for the esteem. If you allow sex too soon, you are depriving yourself and your potential partner the thrill of a great chase and seduction. Players and predators generally want the most vulnerable and easy victims. Great sex is not based upon ‘playing games’ and being victimized by shallowness.
If a woman is patient, maintains self-discipline and really owns her worth, she has the ability to elevate herself and her partner to their highest nature, creating the possibility of a deeply fulfilling, “mind-blowingly” sexy and loving relationship.
Wishing you love,
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. has been a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating for over 50s. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.
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