Dating Advice for Women

This dating advice for women blog is an interview with one of our awesome professional Love Mentors®, Tamara Green, LCSW. She is licensed in New York State as a Certified Social Worker and a member of the National Association of Social Workers for 23 years. Tamara’s background and training in mental health, certified hypnotherapy, and belief management allows her to employ powerful techniques such as hypnosis, guided meditation, and experiential exercises as a dating coach.  Nationally recognized, she lectures, and facilitates teleconference groups and workshops.  Now here is an interview with Tamara on how to be irresistibly attractive to guys:

Can you be attractive without being a size 4 or over age 35?

Absolutely! I have a wonderful Love Mentee, ‘Sally,’ who is about 50lbs overweight and in her 50’s. Almost every man she meets asks her out, she’s so appealing. In the last year, 4 men have asked her for an exclusive relationship. This is someone who had trouble getting even one date. Now she’s a dating queen!

How did your Love Mentee do that?

She certainly didn’t start off as a man magnet. When she began Love Mentoring®, she had a host of negative self talk about her looks, her weight, her age and even her health issues. She would say things to me like, “I’m too unattractive to men”, “Men want thinner women”, “I’m too old”, “No man wants a woman with a back problem”…….. I explained to her that she was operating from a very negative identity when she had these thoughts. So, the first order of business was to create an identity that was beautiful, fantastic and very alluring to men. In Love Mentoring, we call this the Diamond Self Identity.

News Flash:  Tune into Tamara as she is interviewed on the nuts and bolts of how to become irresistibly attractive to men on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

Can you talk more about this “Diamond Self Identity?”

Sure, helping people identify and access their Diamond Self is something I am very passionate about. What I’m talking about here is our true identity that we all have, otherwise known as our Higher Self or our True Self – it’s who we really are. We are all born as this Diamond Self being – so alive, passionate, curious, appreciative and compassionate, to name a few. But what happens over the years is that we have these experiences which cause us to believe certain things about ourselves, often times negative beliefs. These negative beliefs then become something that we identify with so much, we believe that THAT is who we really are. For instance, Sally really believed that she was very unattractive and that men wouldn’t be interested in her. She was operating from the identity of “Unattracttive Sally”, which, of course, made her feel terrible – really low. Through her “inner work” with me, she was able to realize that she wasn’t unattractive at all. In fact, I remember her saying, “Wait a minute, there really are some very attractive things about me – my eyes, my smile, my hair!” I knew that she was getting it. So, she replaced her “I am too unattractive to men” thought/belief and switched to “Men find me very attractive.”, which made her feel great! She then crafted her Diamond Self Name.

The Diamond Self Name?

Yes. In Love Mentorng®, we have a wonderful exercise called the Diamond Self Exercise. It helps you to access your True Self. What’s really fun is that you get to give your Diamond Self a name, a really grand name.  Sally’s is ‘Luscious and Alluring Venus.’ Isn’t that great?! Saying that name always makes me smile, as should any Diamond Self Name. So now, she doesn’t leave her home as “Unattractive Sally” any longer. She struts out of her door as Luscious and Alluring Venus (LAV)!!! You can even hear the difference in her voice. LAV has a great energy to her!!

Before, you mentioned “Inner Work”. Can you explain that?

Sure. Inner work is the deep, emotional work. It’s about self love.  If you can imagine that your Diamond Self is a helium balloon. This balloon is light and very floaty, always moving up, up, up. Well, whenever we have a negative belief, a complaint, a resentment, a guilt, etc, it becomes a tiny hole in that balloon. What happens over the years is that the balloon becomes more and more deflated. The Inner Work is patching up those holes, those leaks, so that the balloon can mend and heal and fly up, up, up again – as it was originally intended. I strongly believe that my purpose in life to help mend these leaks for people, so that they can live the life of their dreams. Now, that’s inner work. There’s also something called Outer Work.

Tell us about Outer Work.

Outer Work is all of the stuff we do to look good on the outside, which always us feel better about ourselves in the inside. Sally, for instance, wasn’t wearing makeup, jewelry or updated and trendy clothes. When she went food shopping, she looked frumpy in her sweats and T-shirt. Even at work, she didn’t wear make-up or jewelry. Sally has gorgeous thick long brown hair that she wore in a ponytail. I had her go to a salon and get a trendy cut. Now her hair is free, soft and flowy and the whispy bangs frame her face beautifully. She is back to wearing a little mascara and lip gloss and a little jewelry. I had her promise me not to wear the sweats out of her house, and now she walks into the supermarket and dry cleaners in nice jeans or simple dresses. She looks younger, feels younger and, of course, feels so much better about herself. She told me that she used to avoid mirrors. Now when she looks in the mirror, she is pleasantly surprised by how good she looks.

News Flash:  Tune into dating & relationship coach Tamara as she is interviewed on dating advice for women–how to become irresistibly attractive on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

Sally has really done some great Inner and Outer Work! Now, how does she actually meet these great guys?

Great question. Every where she goes, she now sees herself as the LAV. She does her Diamond Self Exercise before she walks out the door and reminds herself who she really is. Now that she has accessed her Diamond Self, she operates from that identity in everything that she does. Sally’s amazing. She uses every opportunity to meet men. For instance, Sally does a lot of travel in the U.S. for her job. One day, she was walking into a restaurant and this man was walking in at the same time. Seeing that he was alone, she very brightly said, “Hi, how are you today?!”. The surprised man warmly smiled back and said, “Much better now!” He quickly asked if they could sit together. They had a great meal together, laughing and telling stories of their travels. They have now been dating for 2 months, and I might add he’s very smitten with her, too.

Why do men find women who operate from their Diamond Selves so irresistible?

Who can resist someone who really likes who they are? Not in a conceited way, but really likes their own company. Men can tell right away that she has great energy, really has fun in her life and has so much to offer. Men want to be loved just as much as women do. Who could love them better than someone who loves herself and her life. Also, men are hardwired to help make their partner happy. They are happy when their partner is happy. I hear it all of the time from men, “I just want her to be happy”. Most men feel that way. So, when a men meets a woman who is already happy to be who she is, he can relax and just enjoy her and not feel any pressure to help her become happy.

Thank you, Tamara! You can get your own one-on-one free 40 minute Love Mentoring® Session with Tamara  by phone or Skype! Just click here  & fill out the form, requesting Tamara.  Hurry–her time will fill up quickly!

Tune into Tamara as she is interviewed on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen,Click Here!

“How To Be Irresistibly Attractive (Without Being Thinner Or Younger)” -The dating advice for women interview with Love Mentor® Tamara Green

DATE: Tuesday, December 20, 2011      TIME: 5:00 pm Pacific/8:00pm Eastern for one hour

COST: No charge  JOIN US LIVE VIA: Telephone, Skype, and Replay Access-Click Here For Details

     In this free dating advice for women seminar you will discover . . .

• How your negative beliefs can make you unattractive -
• How positive beliefs can make you GORGEOUS -
• How to present your best self -
• How to love yourself, just the way you are now -
• How to identify your True or Diamond Self -
• How to operate from that Diamond Self to attract men -
• Why men find women who operate from their Diamond Self irresistible

Please interact with us live during the show by visiting:  Facebook.com/DrDianaKirschner
Twitter.com/drdiana or Blog Talk Radio Chat

Thank you, Tamara, for your wise words and dating advice for women. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session  by phone or Skype with Tamara, click hereor go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching and ask for Tamara on the form. For more information about this and future Love Mentoring® Seminars please visit-
http://www.lovementoring.com

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating for over 50s. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice, Relationship Tips & Sex Secrets 

OK, while I don’t think that having sex is a great idea before you have a serious committed relationship, once you do, it is an entirely different matter.   Once you are in committed love, sex is very important to make your relationship last and get even better over time.   Sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. After having sex, each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin (the cuddle, tend & befriend hormone), which explains why for many men, (and women) having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close. So how do you create great sex?  Read on for some top sex secrets!

Four Top Sex Secrets– Part One

Sex Secret #1–Novelty

Dopamine is  one of the infatuation brain chemicals that gives us that awesome over-the-moon feeling.  It is produced when we first fall in love and then through new and  novel activities keep dopamine infatuation going. Well, nothing keeps the dopamine going more than novelty in bed. So sex secret #1 is: vary the places you make love, vary the way you set the stage through candlelight, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream, or new kinds of lingerie and sexy outfits. Vary your foreplay and try different sexual positions. You might end up laughing yourselves silly as you experiment. Neither my husband nor I is a gymnast, so some of the Kama Sutra is a laugh riot for us.  The most important sex secret is: Take it all as fun and games. In the end, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied no matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually, or through intercourse.

Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good, frequent sex promotes your own physical and mental health, that of your man, and the vitality of the relationship. Among other things, it is associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child, more restful sleep, greater pain relief, elevation of mood, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity, and happiness! Researchers have found that there are three primary ways in which couples interact with each other sexually: sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. Sex secret #2 is about sexual trance.

Sex Secret #2 — Sexual Trance

• Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his or her own pleasure and sensations and creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win–win sex, each of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for him and what works for you.  This is an important sex secret.
• In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions, and, most important, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex.  This is what men really want. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!
• Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what sex therapists call sensate focus. This simple but effective sex secret technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.
• My sex advice is, the more you know about your own body, the better your lover will be able to please you. Guide him by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.”  This is a critical sex secret.

You can learn much more about sex secrets and creating passionate lasting love in my relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.”  So pick up a copy.   And we will deal with two more top sex secrets, partner engagement & role play,  in Part Two of this Blog!  Watch for it!  Everyone can use a little sex advice to spice up their lives!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Despite how important sex is to our well-being, many people are unhappy about their sex lives. A landmark 2008 study by the Journal of the American Medical Association found that 43% of American women and 31% percent of men admitted they had a sexual problem.  And usually these studies under-report the actual percentages because, let’s face it: who wants to admit they can’t get it up or they can’t have an orgasm through intercourse?

In my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I share the sex research on how couples can really enhance their sex life. there are 4 primary ways: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play.  In Part I we looked at how novelty and sexual trance make for oh so much fun. In Part II we’ll look at how partner engagement and role play turn ho-hum sex into fireworks.

But before we dive into this sexy topic, I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Partner Engagement

Partner engagement is interactive sex and sex play.  Your partner is seen as a separate person whose happiness and satisfaction are as important as one’s own.  At the highest level of partner engagement there is rapture, bliss, plus a feeling of oneness with each other.

Þ    In partner engagement you each are dedicated to the fullest sexual expression and fulfillment of the other.  This is the arena where you stretch to accommodate what the other wants to do.  But never go to the point of intolerable pain or trauma.

Þ    Be adventurous and take the initiative at times with pleasing each other.  A spontaneous ambush for a quickie is a great idea.  There’s nothing like “surprise sex” to amp up your pleasure centers.

Role Play

The last type of sexual intimacy comes from role play.  The couple creates a kind of magic theater where sex is a stage for each partner to share and enact fantasies with each other.  About 95% of people report that they have sexual fantasies so you’re not alone.  Fantasies help each of you to explore all the different aspects of self which frees up energy and loosens you up.  Plus it helps reduce the urge to cheat because you both are already having the novelty of a “different” partner.

Þ    The excitement and newness of role play keeps the dopamine flowing, which keeps the passion going.

Þ    Role plays often emerge from fantasies.  The most common fantasies involve an imaginary romantic lover, being overpowered or forced to surrender, reliving a sexual experience or pretending they are doing something wicked or forbidden.

Þ    Most common roles include, naughty doctor and patient, naughty cop and lawbreaker, master and slave, fantasy forced submission.

Sexual Issues

If you or your partner has sexual issues first use some of the techniques I have described to try breaking through the barriers on your own. If he has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective for men. They’re still working on approving meds for arousal problems in women. But other physical problems could be affecting you, like anemia in women or hormone abnormalities. For men, low testosterone levels have become very common and can have very negative consequences on both libido and erections. Medications you are taking can have libido-depressing side-effects.  For example, tranquilizers are notorious for interfering with your sex drive.

Don’t let a physical problem prevent you from having sex so check with your doctor.   If your issues are not simply physical then by all means seek out a sex therapist or a couples’ therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it. And don’t forget to pick up a copy of my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal. It has a whole chapter devoted to the latest information on how long-term couples keep the fires of passion burning brightly.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of  the new highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and the best-seller “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book).” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Public scrutiny at every step that would be enough to drive anyone batty.  Eight years of on again, off-again dating.  And yet Kate Middleton hung in there with her real life prince.   Finally, while the couple is on an exotic trip in Kenya, P. William pops the question.  I wondered, just how did the couple go from casual to committed?

       Well, here are four relationship tips that Kate may have used to bag one of the most sought-after bachelors in the world.  They are based on my experience with helping thousands of couples come together to find lasting love.  If you want to deepen your relationship and move forward to living together or getting engaged, give these strategies a try.

      They are based on one cardinal rule: Avoid Seriousness and Drama.    When things drag on in an uncommitted state it is easy to get frustrated about ever coming together in a shared future.  And then you might become serious, distant, whining, or bitching out in the relationship.   Which only serves to push him farther away.  Avoid this process like the plague. Instead get back to what brought you together in the first place: FUN.

      Research and my own work suggest that four kinds of fun are important in kindling and reigniting commitment: quiet enjoyment, humor, excitement and novel activities.

Quiet Enjoyment

First, create situations and interactions where you are happy, content, enjoying yourself, and having fun, and he is, too.  We’ve all seen Kate and William share activities like museum exhibits, plays, movies, parks, picnics, day trips or long walks.  Think about setting up activities of quiet enjoyment that you can share.  They could include cooking a new dish, preparing a feast for friends or family, playing card games, hanging out at a community pool, or lounging in front of the TV and watching an entire season of that sci-fi or comedy series you both love. These activities lead to holding hands, touching, looking at and appreciating each other, which in turn produce the hormone oxytocin—the bonding and attachment hormone.

Quieter activities for your downtime together are perfect for couples who lead stressed lives. If you want to really connect with a highly stressed guy, try not to run him around too much, and make gentle physical contact with him that tends to slow his motor down—rub his back, lie with your feet touching, or whatever works for him. When I interview these guys about their mates and why they chose them, they nearly always point to how they felt at peace around them. I’m not saying you should never go to a club and stay out all night or go bungee jumping. There’s a place for that as well. But for bonding, there’s nothing like being alone and hanging out doing something you both really enjoy.

Humor

The second type of fun is easy to incorporate into your routine. You could watch funny movies or more sophisticated cartoons together; go to comedy clubs; or share funny moments of teasing or clowning. Shared laughter is a great stress reliever and bonding agent. Humor can be used to validate the other person or for you to lightly make fun of your drama; these are both different ways of connecting. Laughter can also break through and soothe upset or bitter feelings. For all of these reasons, shared humor has been shown by research to be a key component of happy marriages.

Excitement

I know you probably can’t go to Kenya like Kate and William.  But you can have high times going crazy together over a high-voltage vid game. This type of fun gets your adrenaline pumping and simulates the speedy brain chemistry of falling in love. You could hit the amusement park, go bungee jumping, take a helicopter ride, hike a mountainous trail, scream yourselves silly at a basketball game or have a footrace at the beach. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused by any feeling, including joy or fear, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”

Novel Activities

The royal duo have been on some memorable trips and shared novel activities together. Novelty has been shown to be a key factor in developing personal and relationship satisfaction. It helps to produce dopamine, the neurotransmitter of pleasure. Change things up: where you make out or make love and where you go on vacation. Do something out of the ordinary, like taking a cross-country road trip or going camping at the beach instead of staying at a hotel.

If you want to go from casual to committed, share quiet enjoyment, as well as humorous, exciting, and novel activities. No matter who plans it, make sure the fun happens. As your partner feels good around you, he will want to spend more and more time with you.  And your happiest-ever-after with your prince may be just around the corner.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” (February, 2011) as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone.  It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men.  They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.”  Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives.  Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain.  Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park.  Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait?  Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you?  Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:

1. Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
2. Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
3. Interested in you and your life
4. Wants to be helpful
5. Is verbally and physically affectionate
6. Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
7. Texts, emails or calls regularly
8. Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
9. If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
10. Becoming more attentive and loving over time
11. Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
12. Becoming more open to sharing his living space
13. Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you.  If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities.  Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One.  Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three.  On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon.  You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.”  A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.