Dating Advice for Women Series

Most all of us fall prey to this lie.  And it can feel pretty awful…

However, it’s just not true.

The biggest lie about age that women still believe is—drum roll please—that men are not attracted to older women.  That once you hit your 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s, and you are single, it is next to impossible to get a great guy for the companionship, fun and romance you really want.  THIS IS SIMPLY NOT THE CASE.  It is just that women need support, encouragement and the dating advice tools to make love work (just as younger women do!).  And when they have that kind of coaching women of any age can create a relationship that is over the moon–the best they have ever ever had!

Here is a true love story by Brenda Thomas who is 60-something years young.  Brenda is in Love Mentoring® with one of our awesome coaches, Susan Kalinowski and she finally has her “Mr. Wonderful.”  (Note: If you want a powerful Love Mentor ally to help you, click here and get your own free 40 minute Love Mentoring® session by phone or Skype. You may even be able to speak with Susan, Brenda’s coach.  But hurry, her time slots are limited!). Now here’s Brenda’s story:

Several years ago, my cousin, Jonny, gave me a Mr. Wonderful doll for Christmas.  I had no idea what a hit Mr. Wonderful was making around the country.  He was a hunky male who, when his palm was pressed, uttered phrases like, “Let’s just cuddle tonight.” 

Or “Actually, I’m not sure which way to go.  I’ll turn in here and ask for directions.”  “Honey, why don’t you just relax and let me make dinner tonight” or “Can your mother stay another week?”

Funny, huh?  Not really…obviously, I didn’t have a Mr. Wonderful nor was one coming any time soon.  What’s wrong with just cuddling or asking for directions or making dinner?  Forget the one about my mother staying for another week….even I would have to veto that!

I felt like if I had a guy who came home and said, “Honey, you’ve been on my mind all day.  That’s why I bought you these flowers,”  I would be his adoring slave FOREVER!!!   Of course, that would be after he brought me back to consciousness.   But, as we know, men and women are just wired differently.  Really?  I have to say I’m being challenged in that belief.  Perhaps, we’re not all that different after all.  Maybe, it’s that each of us is unique with our little idiosyncrasies that develop over a lifetime.  Maybe, it’s not so much about being a male or a female. 

Maybe, it’s more about finding the person who makes life a little easier, a little more fun, a little more meaningful.  Finding the person who you can’t wait to share your piece of news with.  Or the person who makes you feel completely content just sitting next to him.

As you know, I’m writing this in my 60s.  I’ve been independent for 16 years…sometimes, happily so and sometimes, reluctantly.  I don’t think that I ever lost that joy for life….the ability to wake up happy every morning and look forward to whatever the day brings.  I don’t think being single made me think my life was terribly lacking in any way.  But, doesn’t a great love bring us closer to our higher selves?   When I was 18, I read Gibran just like every college freshman and his writing on Sorrow really stuck with me.  In fact, it’s been my mantra for life, “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain.”   There has been great sorrow in my life….almost always followed by great joy….the yin and the yang.  You just can’t have one without the other. 

And, so I’ve waited and waited….sixteen years…for the great joy that follows the great sorrow.  Lots of missteps, false starts, abrupt endings, unsatisfying couplings.

Then, I started hearing things like….

“Mmmm….you look so beautiful in the morning.”

“You know, I think it’s really important that we talk about our relationship.  Tell me whatever you’re feeling.  I believe in total honesty.”

OH MY GOD!!!!  HE’S HERE!!!  MR. WONDERFUL IS HERE!!! 

~Brenda Thomas

Thanks, Brenda, for this inspirational story!   Remember, you can find your own “Mr. Wonderful”  no matter what age you are right now.  Just like Brenda did. And if you want a powerful Love Mentor ally to help you, click here and get your own free 40 minute Love Mentoring® session by phone or Skype. You may even be able to speak with Susan, Brenda’s coach, and get her dating advice in your free session.  But hurry, her time slots are limited!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana, The Love Mentor

♥Dating Advice, Love Mentoring® &  Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. has been a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women

This dating advice for women blog is an article by one of our awesome professional Love Mentors®, Jim Delpino.  Jim is a generalist, working with all ages and most issues who has been in private practice for 29 years.  He has helped many women become fulfilled –sexually and in creating great love relationships. His  practice combines Life Coaching and business consultations which adds other types of problems to solve.  He’s also been writing a monthly column for Icon (formerly Prime Time) magazine for over ten years. Now here is an article by Jim on The Fine Art of Seduction: Four Secrets You Must Know–starting with the success story of one of Jim’s mentees:

Debbie was in her mid-thirties and panicking about not being married. She had suffered for years with memories of being sexually abused as a child. As an adolescent and an adult she had a history of promiscuity. She couldn’t count how many guys she slept with during those years. Her very low self esteem and belief she was ugly powered her sexual drive She was willing to take crumbs from a man just to be noticed. She was unable to say ‘no’ to men for fear they would see nothing of value in her unless she had sex with them.  Then she started in Love Mentoring® with me.  And Debbie began meeting and dating guys who were as she called them, “mensches.”  When she met Charles she knew he was different. They fell in love and married. With my support, Debbie did something very different with Charles; she didn’t have sex with him until after they married. Charles understood that she needed to be loved fully before she could make-love for the first time.  So how did this fairy tale unfold.? Below are the four secrets that Debbie used to create the love that filled her heart.

But first a News Flash:  Mark your calendar and tune into Jim and fellow Love Mentor® Karen Holland as they are interviewed on “How to be an Enticing, Irresistible Sexual Goddess with Your Clothes On” on our  free Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on April 17!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

Jim:  I taught Debbie that there is an old French saying that roughly translates to:  “Most men regret all of the women they never slept with while most women regret most of the men they have slept with.”  This is perhaps because having intercourse is a much more emotionally risky situation for women than for men. The latest neuroscience research confirms some things we have known all along. Sex is a much more emotional and bonding-type experience for women than for men. Oxytocin and Vasopressin (the bonding chemicals) are elevated for both genders during sexual experiences. The levels of these substances are substantially higher in women than in men. In addition to bonding, higher levels of oxytocin engender more feelings of trust in the other person and even have what is known as an amnesiac effect. This temporary amnesia helps to block negative memories of the sexual partner. All of this may help to clear up, on the biological level, how much hormones can affect the sexual judgment and choices even smart, well developed women make about sexual partners and perhaps why so many women end up with sexual experiences that they feel ashamed about and/or would rather just forget.

This is where the ‘Fine Art of Seduction’ comes into play. From what I observe in life as well as in psychotherapy sessions, seduction is becoming a lost art. Great sex is not the same as fast and easy sex.  Seduction uses the magic of imagining and fantasizing to stir and build desire, even lust. The experience of something highly anticipated is usually more satisfying than seizing an opportunity for standard copulation. For women, having the skills to prolong the seduction has many advantages. One of those advantages is the opportunity to check the potential partner more deeply over time. Because women are ‘wired’ much more relationally than men, they are seeking not only a connection, but a connection that can be sustained over time in the context of a relationship. Having the luxury of time allows a woman to sort through her feelings and needs to see if a partner can meet her real expectations. Being a good lover does not necessarily mean being a good partner outside of the bedroom. Another advantage of making seduction a longer process is that it allows for better communication and understanding, which is one key to eventually having great sex. With profound understanding, great communication, and a bonding process over time, the likelihood of higher, deeper and broader sexual experience increases dramatically. This is why sex too soon does not equal great sex.

News Flash:  Mark your calendar and tune into Jim and fellow Love Mentor® Karen Holland as they are interviewed on “How to be an Enticing, Irresistible Sexual Goddess with Your Clothes On” on our  free Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on April 17!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

So here is some dating advice for women I frequently give to women like Debbie to promote a great and prolonged seduction without coming across like a prude or a person with sexual inhibitions. The four secrets are:

1) Remember that just because a man desires you it is not necessarily a compliment. Women can find men to desire them on any street corner, it is nothing special to hear from a man, “I want you”. 2) When a man expresses his desire to be with you, ask him to tell you what he’d like to do to you. This allows for you to test his creativity, evaluate his verbal communication skills and assess his sexual persona. These are all important elements in having an elevated time sexually. If a couple is unable to talk about it, then they are not ready to do it., 3) What comes to easily or too quickly is often undervalued. Waiting raises your value. Many women lack the confidence to withstand sexual advances from partners they deem to be attractive. They fear losing a good person to someone else that will ‘put out’. This is also how to differentiate between a ‘player’ who seeks conquest and a developed person who understands that a deep and sustained connection makes for great sex and a better relationship in general. Better intimacy multiplies the pleasure of sexual experiences. If you compromise here, you will pay a price. Make sure to communicate clearly that you are worth the wait., and 4) Great men like the chase. Being chased is very exciting and good for the esteem. If you allow sex too soon, you are depriving yourself and your potential partner the thrill of a great chase and seduction. Players and predators generally want the most vulnerable and easy victims. Great sex is not based upon ‘playing games’ and being victimized by shallowness.

If a woman is patient, maintains self-discipline and really owns her worth, she has the ability to elevate herself and her partner to their highest nature, creating the possibility of a deeply fulfilling, “mind-blowingly” sexy and loving relationship.

Thank you for your inspiration & powerful dating advice for women,  Jim! You can get your own one-on-one free 40 minute Love Mentoring® Session with Jim by phone or Skype! Just click here  & fill out the form, requesting Jim.  Hurry–his time will fill up quickly!

News Flash:  Mark your calendar and tune into Jim and fellow Love Mentor® Karen Holland as they are interviewed on “How to be an Enticing, Irresistible Sexual Goddess with Your Clothes On” on our  free Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on April 17!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

DATE: Tuesday, April 17, 2011      TIME: 5:00 pm Pacific/8:00pm Eastern for one hour

COST: No charge  JOIN US LIVE VIA: Telephone, Skype, and Replay Access-Click Here For Details

     In this free dating advice for women seminar you will discover . . .

•  Keep a man interested in getting to know you without sleeping with him too soon
• Become a powerful seductress and turn him and yourself on
• Know what men really want from women in the bedroom and beyond
• Build a man’s desire and become completely irresistible
• Know if a man’s really interested, or if you’re just another notch in his belt
• Hold onto yourself, learn to powerfully observe the quality of a man and build the foundation for a deeply sexy, loving relationship!

•   And much, much, more . . .

Interact with us live during the show by visiting:  Facebook.com/DrDianaKirschner
Twitter.com/drdiana or Blog Talk Radio Chat

Thank you, Jim, for your wise words and dating advice for women. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session  by phone or Skype with Jim, click here or go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching and ask for Jim on the form. For more information about this and future Love Mentoring® Seminars please visit-
http://www.lovementoring.com

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. has been a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating for over 50s. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women Series

Dating Advice for Women

This dating advice for women blog is an interview with one of our awesome professional Love Mentors®, Tamara Green, LCSW. She is licensed in New York State as a Certified Social Worker and a member of the National Association of Social Workers for 23 years. Tamara’s background and training in mental health, certified hypnotherapy, and belief management allows her to employ powerful techniques such as hypnosis, guided meditation, and experiential exercises as a dating coach.  Nationally recognized, she lectures, and facilitates teleconference groups and workshops.  Now here is an interview with Tamara on how to be irresistibly attractive to guys:

Can you be attractive without being a size 4 or over age 35?

Absolutely! I have a wonderful Love Mentee, ‘Sally,’ who is about 50lbs overweight and in her 50’s. Almost every man she meets asks her out, she’s so appealing. In the last year, 4 men have asked her for an exclusive relationship. This is someone who had trouble getting even one date. Now she’s a dating queen!

How did your Love Mentee do that?

She certainly didn’t start off as a man magnet. When she began Love Mentoring®, she had a host of negative self talk about her looks, her weight, her age and even her health issues. She would say things to me like, “I’m too unattractive to men”, “Men want thinner women”, “I’m too old”, “No man wants a woman with a back problem”…….. I explained to her that she was operating from a very negative identity when she had these thoughts. So, the first order of business was to create an identity that was beautiful, fantastic and very alluring to men. In Love Mentoring, we call this the Diamond Self Identity.

News Flash:  Tune into Tamara as she is interviewed on the nuts and bolts of how to become irresistibly attractive to men on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

Can you talk more about this “Diamond Self Identity?”

Sure, helping people identify and access their Diamond Self is something I am very passionate about. What I’m talking about here is our true identity that we all have, otherwise known as our Higher Self or our True Self – it’s who we really are. We are all born as this Diamond Self being – so alive, passionate, curious, appreciative and compassionate, to name a few. But what happens over the years is that we have these experiences which cause us to believe certain things about ourselves, often times negative beliefs. These negative beliefs then become something that we identify with so much, we believe that THAT is who we really are. For instance, Sally really believed that she was very unattractive and that men wouldn’t be interested in her. She was operating from the identity of “Unattracttive Sally”, which, of course, made her feel terrible – really low. Through her “inner work” with me, she was able to realize that she wasn’t unattractive at all. In fact, I remember her saying, “Wait a minute, there really are some very attractive things about me – my eyes, my smile, my hair!” I knew that she was getting it. So, she replaced her “I am too unattractive to men” thought/belief and switched to “Men find me very attractive.”, which made her feel great! She then crafted her Diamond Self Name.

The Diamond Self Name?

Yes. In Love Mentorng®, we have a wonderful exercise called the Diamond Self Exercise. It helps you to access your True Self. What’s really fun is that you get to give your Diamond Self a name, a really grand name.  Sally’s is ‘Luscious and Alluring Venus.’ Isn’t that great?! Saying that name always makes me smile, as should any Diamond Self Name. So now, she doesn’t leave her home as “Unattractive Sally” any longer. She struts out of her door as Luscious and Alluring Venus (LAV)!!! You can even hear the difference in her voice. LAV has a great energy to her!!

Before, you mentioned “Inner Work”. Can you explain that?

Sure. Inner work is the deep, emotional work. It’s about self love.  If you can imagine that your Diamond Self is a helium balloon. This balloon is light and very floaty, always moving up, up, up. Well, whenever we have a negative belief, a complaint, a resentment, a guilt, etc, it becomes a tiny hole in that balloon. What happens over the years is that the balloon becomes more and more deflated. The Inner Work is patching up those holes, those leaks, so that the balloon can mend and heal and fly up, up, up again – as it was originally intended. I strongly believe that my purpose in life to help mend these leaks for people, so that they can live the life of their dreams. Now, that’s inner work. There’s also something called Outer Work.

Tell us about Outer Work.

Outer Work is all of the stuff we do to look good on the outside, which always us feel better about ourselves in the inside. Sally, for instance, wasn’t wearing makeup, jewelry or updated and trendy clothes. When she went food shopping, she looked frumpy in her sweats and T-shirt. Even at work, she didn’t wear make-up or jewelry. Sally has gorgeous thick long brown hair that she wore in a ponytail. I had her go to a salon and get a trendy cut. Now her hair is free, soft and flowy and the whispy bangs frame her face beautifully. She is back to wearing a little mascara and lip gloss and a little jewelry. I had her promise me not to wear the sweats out of her house, and now she walks into the supermarket and dry cleaners in nice jeans or simple dresses. She looks younger, feels younger and, of course, feels so much better about herself. She told me that she used to avoid mirrors. Now when she looks in the mirror, she is pleasantly surprised by how good she looks.

News Flash:  Tune into dating & relationship coach Tamara as she is interviewed on dating advice for women–how to become irresistibly attractive on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen, Click Here!

Sally has really done some great Inner and Outer Work! Now, how does she actually meet these great guys?

Great question. Every where she goes, she now sees herself as the LAV. She does her Diamond Self Exercise before she walks out the door and reminds herself who she really is. Now that she has accessed her Diamond Self, she operates from that identity in everything that she does. Sally’s amazing. She uses every opportunity to meet men. For instance, Sally does a lot of travel in the U.S. for her job. One day, she was walking into a restaurant and this man was walking in at the same time. Seeing that he was alone, she very brightly said, “Hi, how are you today?!”. The surprised man warmly smiled back and said, “Much better now!” He quickly asked if they could sit together. They had a great meal together, laughing and telling stories of their travels. They have now been dating for 2 months, and I might add he’s very smitten with her, too.

Why do men find women who operate from their Diamond Selves so irresistible?

Who can resist someone who really likes who they are? Not in a conceited way, but really likes their own company. Men can tell right away that she has great energy, really has fun in her life and has so much to offer. Men want to be loved just as much as women do. Who could love them better than someone who loves herself and her life. Also, men are hardwired to help make their partner happy. They are happy when their partner is happy. I hear it all of the time from men, “I just want her to be happy”. Most men feel that way. So, when a men meets a woman who is already happy to be who she is, he can relax and just enjoy her and not feel any pressure to help her become happy.

Thank you, Tamara! You can get your own one-on-one free 40 minute Love Mentoring® Session with Tamara  by phone or Skype! Just click here  & fill out the form, requesting Tamara.  Hurry–her time will fill up quickly!

Tune into Tamara as she is interviewed on our Love in 90 Days- Blogtalk radio show, live on December 20!   (And archived thereafter!)  To listen,Click Here!

“How To Be Irresistibly Attractive (Without Being Thinner Or Younger)” -The dating advice for women interview with Love Mentor® Tamara Green

DATE: Tuesday, December 20, 2011      TIME: 5:00 pm Pacific/8:00pm Eastern for one hour

COST: No charge  JOIN US LIVE VIA: Telephone, Skype, and Replay Access-Click Here For Details

     In this free dating advice for women seminar you will discover . . .

• How your negative beliefs can make you unattractive -
• How positive beliefs can make you GORGEOUS -
• How to present your best self -
• How to love yourself, just the way you are now -
• How to identify your True or Diamond Self -
• How to operate from that Diamond Self to attract men -
• Why men find women who operate from their Diamond Self irresistible

Please interact with us live during the show by visiting:  Facebook.com/DrDianaKirschner
Twitter.com/drdiana or Blog Talk Radio Chat

Thank you, Tamara, for your wise words and dating advice for women. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session  by phone or Skype with Tamara, click hereor go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching and ask for Tamara on the form. For more information about this and future Love Mentoring® Seminars please visit-
http://www.lovementoring.com

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love and dating for over 50s. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice, Relationship Tips & Sex Secrets 

OK, while I don’t think that having sex is a great idea before you have a serious committed relationship, once you do, it is an entirely different matter.   Once you are in committed love, sex is very important to make your relationship last and get even better over time.   Sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. After having sex, each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin (the cuddle, tend & befriend hormone), which explains why for many men, (and women) having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close. So how do you create great sex?  Read on for some top sex secrets!

Four Top Sex Secrets– Part One

Sex Secret #1–Novelty

Dopamine is  one of the infatuation brain chemicals that gives us that awesome over-the-moon feeling.  It is produced when we first fall in love and then through new and  novel activities keep dopamine infatuation going. Well, nothing keeps the dopamine going more than novelty in bed. So sex secret #1 is: vary the places you make love, vary the way you set the stage through candlelight, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream, or new kinds of lingerie and sexy outfits. Vary your foreplay and try different sexual positions. You might end up laughing yourselves silly as you experiment. Neither my husband nor I is a gymnast, so some of the Kama Sutra is a laugh riot for us.  The most important sex secret is: Take it all as fun and games. In the end, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied no matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually, or through intercourse.

Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good, frequent sex promotes your own physical and mental health, that of your man, and the vitality of the relationship. Among other things, it is associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child, more restful sleep, greater pain relief, elevation of mood, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity, and happiness! Researchers have found that there are three primary ways in which couples interact with each other sexually: sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. Sex secret #2 is about sexual trance.

Sex Secret #2 — Sexual Trance

• Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his or her own pleasure and sensations and creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win–win sex, each of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for him and what works for you.  This is an important sex secret.
• In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions, and, most important, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex.  This is what men really want. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!
• Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what sex therapists call sensate focus. This simple but effective sex secret technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.
• My sex advice is, the more you know about your own body, the better your lover will be able to please you. Guide him by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.”  This is a critical sex secret.

You can learn much more about sex secrets and creating passionate lasting love in my relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.”  So pick up a copy.   And we will deal with two more top sex secrets, partner engagement & role play,  in Part Two of this Blog!  Watch for it!  Everyone can use a little sex advice to spice up their lives!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Despite how important sex is to our well-being, many people are unhappy about their sex lives. A landmark 2008 study by the Journal of the American Medical Association found that 43% of American women and 31% percent of men admitted they had a sexual problem.  And usually these studies under-report the actual percentages because, let’s face it: who wants to admit they can’t get it up or they can’t have an orgasm through intercourse?

In my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I share the sex research on how couples can really enhance their sex life. there are 4 primary ways: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play.  In Part I we looked at how novelty and sexual trance make for oh so much fun. In Part II we’ll look at how partner engagement and role play turn ho-hum sex into fireworks.

But before we dive into this sexy topic, I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Partner Engagement

Partner engagement is interactive sex and sex play.  Your partner is seen as a separate person whose happiness and satisfaction are as important as one’s own.  At the highest level of partner engagement there is rapture, bliss, plus a feeling of oneness with each other.

Þ    In partner engagement you each are dedicated to the fullest sexual expression and fulfillment of the other.  This is the arena where you stretch to accommodate what the other wants to do.  But never go to the point of intolerable pain or trauma.

Þ    Be adventurous and take the initiative at times with pleasing each other.  A spontaneous ambush for a quickie is a great idea.  There’s nothing like “surprise sex” to amp up your pleasure centers.

Role Play

The last type of sexual intimacy comes from role play.  The couple creates a kind of magic theater where sex is a stage for each partner to share and enact fantasies with each other.  About 95% of people report that they have sexual fantasies so you’re not alone.  Fantasies help each of you to explore all the different aspects of self which frees up energy and loosens you up.  Plus it helps reduce the urge to cheat because you both are already having the novelty of a “different” partner.

Þ    The excitement and newness of role play keeps the dopamine flowing, which keeps the passion going.

Þ    Role plays often emerge from fantasies.  The most common fantasies involve an imaginary romantic lover, being overpowered or forced to surrender, reliving a sexual experience or pretending they are doing something wicked or forbidden.

Þ    Most common roles include, naughty doctor and patient, naughty cop and lawbreaker, master and slave, fantasy forced submission.

Sexual Issues

If you or your partner has sexual issues first use some of the techniques I have described to try breaking through the barriers on your own. If he has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective for men. They’re still working on approving meds for arousal problems in women. But other physical problems could be affecting you, like anemia in women or hormone abnormalities. For men, low testosterone levels have become very common and can have very negative consequences on both libido and erections. Medications you are taking can have libido-depressing side-effects.  For example, tranquilizers are notorious for interfering with your sex drive.

Don’t let a physical problem prevent you from having sex so check with your doctor.   If your issues are not simply physical then by all means seek out a sex therapist or a couples’ therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it. And don’t forget to pick up a copy of my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal. It has a whole chapter devoted to the latest information on how long-term couples keep the fires of passion burning brightly.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of  the new highly acclaimed relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and the best-seller “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book).” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.