Dating Advice for Women

  What is the enduring fascination women have with the Sex and the City characters? The great promo shots of our gals in the desert for Sex and the City 2 gives us clues about why these four characters are so beloved.  Each one is so different–courageous, unique and self-expressed, from fashion to personality to choices in love.  Each character goes all out for whatever is calling her.  Carrie gets her elusive Mr. Big (although there will be troubles abrewing in the new movie on this front).  Charlotte becomes a practicing Jew.  Samantha triumphs over cancer and is still on her cougar prowl.  Miranda is handling the challenges of balancing work and family life.  In the new film the beloved characters will be having new desert adventures together.  The foursome are living out loud, as usual, with their own natural charisma and personal style. Each is moving forward in her life, doing freely what many women dream of.        

      But more importantly these four represent an ideal that most women strive for, an ideal that is just about as important as grand romantic love.  What is that?   A lasting, supportive, healing, uplifting and validating love relationship between women.  Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte are the ultimate BFFs.  Their relationship is the solid platform from which they dive into handling troubles with men, kids, cancer and more.  Their deep bond with each other is a super buffer to all the slings and arrows of misfortune that life throws their way.  As Samantha says to her compatriots: “We made a deal ages ago. Man, babies, doesn’t matter. We’re soul mates.”   This is the ideal friendship women love to see and what they strive to create with their own girlfriends.

      In my dating advice book, Love in 90 Days I describe how to set up this kind of extraordinary friendship group for single women—I call it a Team Love.  You can come to your Team Love group for solace when you are hurt, be inspired by others’ wins and have a whole posse of women who encourage and cheer you on.  The team can be a tremendous resource for you to learn about hot shopping, fashion, hairstylists, exercise classes, night spots and activities and more in your local area.

      The best news is, if you live in the Manhattan area you will find ample opportunity to live the Sex & the City girlfriend experience! There are two Meet-up Team Love groups you can join for free.  Join both at Love in 90 Days – Dating Secrets for Single Women and Love in 90 Days: The Queens Group   They have many awesome singles activities.  In these groups I have been completely blown away with how generous, caring and empowering the women have been toward each other.  They develop a real life Carrie-Samantha-Miranda-Charlotte type of friendship.  Here is a series of supportive, educational and inspirational emails going out to a Team Love Group:

      Roz hits a down cycle as she starts to date and writes:

I am a dead mouse.  I have had NO SECOND DATES at all.  All my first dates seemed fun and enjoyable and I found things in common with each person. I must appear to have two heads instead of one or something like that.

      Several supportive messages come back to her, including this one from Dyanne:

You’re NOT a dead mouse!!!! You’ve got to BELIEVE in yourself–So, you didn’t get a second date, no big deal because there will be more! You’ve got to look on the positive side of things, you had first dates. You are moving! And I haven’t even been meeting men.

      Dyanne writes two weeks later:

Hello Team Love, Just wanted you to know that I am meeting men!!! I had a chance meeting with an amazing trader earlier this week and he called me today to make sure I was coming to his meeting Friday.  And I met another walking down 46th St. at Madison Ave. We chatted for a few blocks and had a drink at O’Rourke’s. He is a lawyer from Memphis and asked if he could take me to the Opera when he comes back in a few months. The vibe is on.

      Drew responds:

Your beauty is irresistible!

I experienced some serendipity on Friday night that inspired me. I went to a talk on spiritual partnerships at the Lotus Buddhist Center. During the break I noticed Tommy, a surf instructor who I met last June at a surf-yoga retreat. We’re going out.  It’s a sign that I’m attracting men who are in alignment with me on a number of levels…spiritually, intellectually, artistically, physically, etc. 

Let’s keep it going, Team Love

Sending love to all of you!!!

Drew

     You can read much more about how to create a Sex and the City type of friendship group or Team Love for yourself in Love in 90 Days

   Also, you can take a free special quiz and find out which Sex & the City Girl you are most like at www.MyDatingPatterns.com.  The quiz will tell you which Deadly Dating Pattern you are playing out (whether you are more like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte!), that is, which type of dating and relationship behavior tends to sabotage your chances of lasting love.  Even better, the free quiz also comes with a free customized bonus Report & Fix-It Kit for your Dating Type. So whether you see the movie now or later, make sure to learn your dating type and how to overcome any obstacles you might be facing on your road to love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

www.lovein90days.com

If you are single and feeling lonely at holiday time, I have great dating tips for you!!! Get a move on.  Go for a brisk walk, a little hike in the woods, play in the snow, take a walking tour of the holiday lights in your neighborhood, hit the gym.  Just give yourself a boost of activity.   Why?  Because a recent research study on loneliness showed that it is highly correlated with physical inactivity.  So get off the couch and go.

Ok.  So I know it is the last thing you feel like doing.  You feel tired, sluggish.  I know.

But do it anyway.  Just for 5 minutes.  And by the way, while you are out there, smile and say hello to all the folks you meet (assuming you are in a safe part of town).  Giving smiles away as tiny gifts will make you feel socially connected and  good too.  And you never know who you might meet…

And don’t forget to get my FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now.

“Your free Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter is encouraging, empowering and easy to put into action.  I’ve been dating much more and plan to tell you soon about the awesome new man in my life!” ~Connie Bennett, CHHC, ‘Gab with the Gurus’ Radio Host & author of Sugar Shock!

The Newsletter covers:

• The single most important thing you can do to create love in your life
• How to avoid the biggest dating mistake singles make
• The best dating advice tips for finding, attracting & keeping a phenomenal Lover/Best Friend/Companion
• Four deadly problems almost guaranteed to kill a love relationship
• The most powerful thing to do when he/she won’t commit
• How to stop a fight before it ruins your love connection
• A simple 10-minute technique that can save almost any relationship
• How to find Love Mentors who fast track you to finding true love
• Understanding & fulfilling your deepest relationship needs
• Four pivotal insurance factors that make a love relationship last

So don’t miss out on the Dating Tips & Relationship Newsletter!  It is my gift to you and absolutely free.

Wishing you surprising, fulfilling love this holiday season and throughout the New Year,

Dr. Diana

PS:  You can still buy my bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, as a special gift for yourself or a friend.  It’s on sale!  Just click on a book link in the box on the left. xo

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

90 Day Love Challenge

FOX TV 12-week Dating Series with Dr. Diana Kirschner. This series aired on FOX’s Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. See weekly descriptions below.

Show 1 – Jan 8, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
The 90 Day Love Challenge starts! Mike and Juliet meet Dr. Diana Kirschner, psychologist and author of Love in 90 Days–who says it is entirely possible to find true love in three short months. We also meet Lori, who has used the Love in 90 Days strategies to overcome her self-sabotaging Deadly Dating Patterns and find the One, Alec in less than 90 days. We then meet Amelia, who is fed up in her fruitless search for love and ready to take on the challenge. Amelia agrees to work with Dr. Diana as her love mentor and go through the full dating tranformation program. Dr. Diana identifies Amelia’s Deadly Dating Pattern as the I’ll-Make-You-Love-Me type, where she overgives to men and chases them away. Amelia’s first challenge: stop being helpful to people in order to earn their love.

Show 2 – Jan 15, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Along with Mike and Juliet we see Amelia mastering the first challenge and talking about feeling more deserving of being given to. Dr. Diana asks Amelia to find and name her Diamond Self, the identity in which she feels most lovable, empowered and deserving. Amelia names herself. Dr. Diana then presents the next challenge: Amelia will go through an emotional bootcamp–she will re-enact painful breakups and express anything left unsaid, including her anger. She will also do emotional push-ups to help rid herself of negative self-talk and create more self-love.

Show 3 – Jan 29, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
We see Dr. Diana coaching Amelia through emotional boot camp as the Love in 90 Days Challenge continues. Amelia breaks down as she confronts anger toward her cruel ex and faces her negative self-sabotaging thoughts–but then triumphs in a burst of self-love and positive self-affirmations. Amelia bursts through her overgiving Deadly Dating Pattern and asks a cute guy for help at a gym. Mike and Juliet interview Amelia about her progress and ask Dr. Diana questions about when it is appropriate to call a guy. Amelia is preparing to do the Dating Program of Three and it is time to get out there and date!

Show 4 – Feb 5, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
We watch Amelia, our Love in 90 Days Challenge mentee, as she attends a singles function and chats up the guys. Dr. Diana comments, along with Mike & Juliet, on Amelia’s progress and increased confidence! But Dr. Diana discovers that Amelia has a second Deadly Dating Pattern which tends to kill off any possibility of chemistry with the guys she is meeting!

Show 5 – Feb 12, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Amelia is doing great on her Love in 90 Days Challenge, based on Dr. Diana’s book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love!
This week Dr. Diana helps Amelia optimize her online dating photo, screenname/ profile to be warm, welcoming and attractive.  She also teaches Amelia the secrets to getting  ranked higher on dating websites so that Amelia is seen ahead of thousands of other women and gets many more responses when guys search online.  Using the Love in 90 Days techniques, Amelia is already ranking #3  when guys search on a major dating site and is getting great responses from interesting men.

Show 6 – Feb 19, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Mike and Juliet interview Amelia about how her 90 Day Love Challenge is progressing.  Amelia shares about her new self confidence and the fact that she has many dates this week!  Dr. Diana teaches Amelia how to flirt, in order to help her break through her Just Buddies Deadly Dating Pattern.  We watch video of Amelia’s blind date with Jason, where she does a great job being present, flirtacious and open to a romantic connection.  Jason appears on the show and asks Amelia out for a second date!

Show 7 – Feb 26, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Dr. Diana, Amelia and hosts of the Morning Show watch a video of Amelia as she does speed-dating.  Amelia does a good job using Dr. Diana’s flirting tips, but drinks too much.  Dr. Diana confronts Amelia about this and how it recreated a few of her earlier Deadly Dating Patterns.  But overall, Amelia is doing great, dating a lot and has 3 matches from speed-dating.  Plus, one of them, a funner charmer, appears on the show!

Show 8 – March 5, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Mike and Juliet watch as Dr. Diana works with Amelia on feeling fat and her negative body image. Amelia pushes through to her dynamic, self-loving Diamond Self identity.   Amelia receives a  dramatic makeover that aligns her appearance with this inner vision of her Diamond Self.  She appears on the show, transformed on both inner and outer levels. Dr. Diana gives Amelia a diamond crystal as a symbol of her transformation in self love, a key goal in the Love in 90 Days process.

Show 9 – March 12, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
The Morning Show hosts meet with Dr. Diana and Amelia, who has had 6 dates in the preceeding week–with great guys! We see clips of Amelia’s different dates from the top guys in her Dating Program of Three. Dr. Diana explains some rules that make it all work and that the full program is in her book, Love in 90 Days. Two of the guys on Amelia’s Program of Three are in the audience!!

Show 10 – March 19, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
Dr. Diana, Amelia, Mike and Juliet watch a video of Amelia’s romantic date, complete with rooftop dancing–with David. They also view footage of her amazingly fun date with Stuart. Dr. Diana discusses the three key questions to ask in order to choose a guy who can fulfill your dreams of love.

Show 11 – March 26, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
In this touching segment, Amelia asks her Dad and stepmom to become Love Mentors who will provide deep support and encouragement in her quest for love. Dr. Diana discusses how her book, Love in 90 Days, teaches you how to find your own love mentor! This is a person who can give you the Tough and Tender Loving Care (TTLC) you need to build self-love and success in dating and creating love that lasts.

Show 12 – April 2, 2009 – FOX TV – “90 Day Love Challenge”
In this dramatic finale, we recap Amelia’s amazing journey of love: Using principles from the book, Love in 90 Days, she has gone from not dating at all to having lots of great guys to choose from! Mike, Juliet and Dr. Diana congratulate Amelia on her new self-empowerment. Her top three guys are in the audience and Amelia chooses her #1 at this time. She then receives an incredibly romantic surprise gift!

I was on the Today show last week on a segment about what to do when life doesn’t work out the way you want it to.  It was great fun.  Hoda and Kathie Lee were fantastic, as usual, and I got to meet terrific authors Rene Syler and Amy Cohen and work with the talented Debbie Nigro, a founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend of firstwivesworld.com.  Here are the five tips I was not able to give on air, the steps you can take that can help when things go south, especially in your dating or love life.

Life almost always takes a left turn–it never seems to go the way we expect.  The One turns out to be a Dud, the chemistry dies off in your marriage, you get divorced and on and on.  How do we cope?  Studies show that certain people are more resilient–they adapt quickly and easily to change.  When they hit unexpected, unwanted left turns in their lives, they use mentors, positive emotions and self-talk to help them cope.  These fortunate people can turn a bushel of lemons into a whole lemonade stand.  So, aside from being envious, what can we learn from them?

Here are five ways resilient people turn life’s disappointments into unexpected blessings and opportunities:

1. Use humor

Research on people who watched funny videos showed they had reduced stress hormones, a boost to the immune system and a reduction in feeling pain. Laughter is a lifts you right out of that downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings that come with loss.  Look for the funny angle. 

2. Find a mentor

This is what totally changed my life. As young adult I never wanted or expected to marry anyone because I had only seen battles and unhappiness in my parent’s marriage.  I was caught in deadly dating patterns, being a hermit or taking crumbs and wanting the guys who didn’t want me.  But then I got a love mentor who taught me that love was possible and how to create it. This was the beginning of the program in my book Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  And using those principles I took a left turn—here I am 180 degrees opposite from what I imagined–in a loving marriage to a guy who is my best friend for over 25 years! 

3. Use a positive focus

Research is very clear that even after they have faced a serious life-changing event resilient people focus on positive thoughts and feeling that might come up—whether it is a moment of peacefulness, calmness or delight over a visit from a child or the beauty of a flower.  They feel their anger, fear and depression, but they also experience whatever positive feelings come up.  Even the most difficult circumstances can be seen in a more positive way. If your husband suddenly up and left, are you free to pursue your passion for painting now?  Put your attention on the door to creativity and fun that is opening up for you.

4.  Find and enjoy the hidden benefits

What is freeing about your new situation?  How are you better off as a person?  Now that you are divorced can you go on a shopping spree without having to fight a battle over it? What is going to be good about this situation?  If you just broke up with a person who is very critical and demeaning, are you already starting to feel a little better about yourself?

5.  Work on new goals

Resilient people don’t dwell in the past, and constantly think about what was lost.  They use the steps we just talked about to be forward-looking and choose new goals that bring a measure of hope and happiness.  If you are suddenly single, start poking around a few online dating sites.  Take a chance and go out on a blind date with your neighbor’s friend. Set some new dating goals for yourself, even though it’s absolutely the last thing you want to do.  Shifting your attention will get you out of your slump.  Really. 

Much love to you,

Dr. Diana