Do You Have Dating Dawdlitis?
Four steps will get you off the couch and on your way to the love you want!

You’ll do anything other than looking for a partner online — watch TV reruns, clean the bathroom, complain about your dating troubles, or even call your mother. You freeze up and question yourself repeatedly when it’s time to meet someone for coffee, make the next call, date, or move on to the first kiss.

Sound familiar? It’s all too common, whether you’re new to dating or a seasoned but burnt-out veteran. When you find it hard or even impossible to date, even though you’re lonely and hungry for a romantic connection, you have what I call Dating Dawdlitis (DD).

Actually most singles have at least a touch of DD. We get tongue tied and run the other way instead of saying hello to the cute guy on the train or the hot girl who works in the office. When we need to find a profile photo, we see nothing but pimples, warts and just how big our nose really is. We write and rewrite our emails to prospective dates, trying to be more clever, more real, and more funny, more whatever — that mysterious quality that makes us irresistible. And when we’re on a date with an attractive partner, we get awkward or quiet or start babbling gibberish.

There’s another form of DD, we have pulled back because “nobody’s good enough.” We’ve dated a string of nerds and losers and that’s enough, thank you very much. What we don’t look at is how our own superiority masks a certain insecurity, a secret belief that, “There’s something really wrong with me.”

When DD is full-blown, we may be paralyzed to the point where we can’t or don’t even try to jump into the pool of possible dating partners. And even if we do manage to date, negative thoughts lurk in our minds like boogey men, ruining any chance of we have of simply being ourselves or having a good time.

DD is what stands between you and love, between you and those cozy nights of afterglow cuddling. But here’s the good news: You can beating Dating Dawdlitis. All you need to do is get off the couch and take these four steps that will build your selfconfidence and courage.

Your First Step — Understand you’re not alone. Most, if not all singles, have been through some form of DD. It’s OK to feel anxious, scared, intimidated, weird, or awkward. In fact, it’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling.

Your Second Step — Understand that falling flat on your face is part of the romantic process. You’re supposed to make mistakes. That’s how you learn. You learn to walk by falling down. You learn to date by writing idiotic emails, sticking you foot in your mouth, and making clumsy, silly and just plain wrong moves. It’s OK. It’s just part of the process. Besides, the right person will find those not-cool things endearing and adorable! Take a moment, close your eyes, and visualize being your not-cool self and someone who is the One chuckling, smiling, and really digging it.

Your Third Step — Understand you need to train yourself to take action. Almost any action!! Email five hotties that are “out of your league.” Send that email response you’ve edited three times. Open your mouth and say something, anything, to any cutie around. And I do mean anything at all. Anything is infinitely better than nothing. And once you practice jumping in, you’ll be surprised at the possibilities that open up for you.

Your Fourth Step — Understand it is normal to get ‘knocked out’. Putting yourself out there in the dating world is a form of interpersonal training that is similar to learning to box. You are supposed to get knocked out until you meet the right opponent. Then you might trade some blows, but the whole thing is very exciting and you spend a great deal of time clutching and holding each other close.

Similarly, when you are training to be in a loving relationship, expect to get rebuffed or “rejected.” It happens. When it does, you are that much closer to meeting your match. So give yourself a reward for succeeding. Because even though it didn’t work out with the last person, the bottom line is that you are moving yourself forward. You sent that email, made that call, went on that date. You put yourself out there and that’s what counts. Get a Caramel Macchiato, go shoe shopping, or call to your best buddy who moved to Katmandu. After you do, hang out with friends who love you for who you are. Also, recall your visualization of the One being fascinated, amused, and loving you from Step Two.

As you take these steps, train and reward yourself with mini-celebrations you will build a whole new habit pattern of playing full-out in the dating arena. In fact, you will be well on your way to being with that one person who absolutely enjoys all the different cool and not-so-cool facets of you. And your Dating Dawdlitis will be a thing of the past.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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 Dating Advice for Women

     Sex and the City 2 is just about to explode in the collective psyche of women everywhere.  Tickets are already going like hotcakes.  Why?  .  TCarrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are character types many women can totally relate to.  Their friendship is a soul mate bond, steadying each one, as they weave in and out of difficulties with men.  Sex and the City 2 will reveal more of their adventures and misadventures together in the world of love. 

       The Sex & the City foursome are good examples of women who deal with four common self-sabotaging patterns that many real women struggle withhe four Deadly Dating patterns are Crumbs, Chase Me, Not Perfect-I’ll Pass and Safety Net.   Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda transformed their patterns in order to develop or maintain love relationships. Their stories reflect the challenges and triumphs of real women as they navigate the rocky journey to lasting love.

      Here are the four Deadly Dating Patterns from my book, Love in 90 Days and their  all-important dynamics:

The Crumbs Deadly Dating Pattern (like Carrie)

• Accepting seductive & wonderful treatment from a guy who is ultimately out of reach & afraid of commitment. (Mr. Big) Carrie triumphs on this one!
• Fantasizing about & falling for men who put her second, behind work or other women  (the Russian)
• Cheating on a man who really loved her (Aidan), pushing him away.  (It looks like Aidan will be back in Sex & the City 2!!!)

 Deeper Dynamic: Believing that you don’t deserve a relationship in which you come first.

 The Chase Me Deadly Dating Pattern (like Samantha)

• Endlessly claiming she did not really want to have a relationship
• Leaving lovers & moving on for no apparent reason
• Fearing intimacy (Smith holding her hand in public!) and commitment

 Deeper Dynamic: A desperate need to be claimed, almost against your will, (As Smith successfully did for a while with Samantha.)

The Not Perfect—I’ll Pass Deadly Dating Pattern (like Charlotte)

• Fussy and a perfectionist
• Almost passed on Harry Goldenblatt, a man who was good husband material but balding & unpolished. (refused to go to beach party with him unless he had his back waxed)
• Judgmental and constricted about sexuality

Deeper Dynamic: A self-critical nature where you judge anyone who would want you as “not good enough.”

The Safety Net Deadly Dating Pattern (like Miranda) 

• Afraid of being alone & pessimistic about her odds of meeting a great guy
• Dating guys she feels are beneath her
• Attracted to a man only if other women are interested in him or he’s left her (Steve)

 Deeper Dynamic: Low self esteem & a sense that you can’t compete with other women for a really great successful guy.

     In the bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, you can read much more about each of these Deadly Dating Patterns and nine others that can seriously sabotage your love life.  And, most importantly, how to escape from each one of them to create the love relationship you really want!  

      Wondering which type you are?  You can take a special quiz and find out which Sex & the City Girl you are most like at http://www.MyDatingPatterns.com.  It comes with a free customized bonus Report & Fix-It Kit for your Dating Type.

Wishing you love,

Dr. D

Dr. Diana Kirschner

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

www.lovein90days.com

Beware of Frenemies
These So-Called Friends Might Be Your Biggest Roadblocks to Romance

In the Sex & the City movie, Miranda functions as a friend-turned-Frenemy and helps derail her friend’s dream wedding. At a strategic point in the upcoming nuptials she opens her mouth and actually puts down the idea of marriage to the commitment-phobic groom! In this one act, Miranda puts a nail in the coffin of her best friend’s dream. We will not reveal how things do turn out, in case you have not seen the movie. But there are love lessons learned from this scene.

First of all, finding love is a challenge and, unfortunately, friends and family members can sometimes make it even tougher. When people in your inner circle become negative, pessimistic, competitive, jealous, or don’t show you appreciation and/or encouragement, it inflames your own doubts and fears. If you are in a new love relationship, these reactions can come on suddenly, or they may be familiar and ingrained parts of lifetime relationships that are so subtle you may not even be fully aware of them. In either case, unsupportive reactions toward you and/or your boyfriend can pull you both back into being hopeless about love. In extreme cases, they can sabotage a growing relationship, as Miranda did in the Sex & the City movie! Negative reactions from people close to you can even stop you from getting out there and dating altogether.

I call people who interfere with your love life Frenemies. Ask yourself, do any of these descriptions sound familiar?

• A “best friend” who takes an instant dislike to a guy you really like
• A friend who insists that all the “good ones” are taken
• A sister/brother who reminds you of your past failures or the duds you’ve fallen for
• A dad who criticizes any guy you bring around
• A mom who clucks about how men would find you more attractive if you only lost those 10 pounds
• Your two closest friends who are no-shows at the first dinner party you are hosting with your number one guy

These are typical reactions of friends-turned-Frenemies. Here are four steps to take in handling Frenemies and protecting your love life:

Step 1: Uncover Frenemies
Who do you spend the most time with socially? For each person journal about the following:

a) Are they single? Are they in a relationship? If so, do they generally describe it as loving or not?
b) Do you feel good hanging around them? How do you feel right after being with them?
c) Are they supportive of your self esteem and attractiveness?
d) What are their attitudes towards love, men or relationships in general?
e) How do they react when you are in a relationship?

Step 2: Stop Your Whining
Often you are unconsciously encouraging your Frenemies to be negative by complaining to them about what is wrong with your love life. For three days, take a
notebook and make a note of every time you complain to anyone. For the next three days complain to no one. Journal about how this feels.

Step 3: Make a List of What You Need From Frenemies
For example, you may need your best friend to stop complaining about how awful men are. You may need your dad to tell you what he really likes about your new boyfriend.

Step 4: Ask Your Frenemies to Give You the Support You Need.
Be straight and honest. Tell them you want to have a positive outlook about love and you need them to be positive too. Most will respond. With the few who do not and continue being negative, move to a more distant, yet polite relationship with them. You have to protect yourself and your own hopeful outlook on love.

Anyone can make a mistake and can turn Frenemy on you, just like Miranda did in the SATC movie. But if this does happen, follow these steps, you will find that you can turn things back around so that you have a truly supportive posse. And by the way, if you and your wonderful posse would like to see if your dating patterns are more like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda, take my free quiz. Click Here

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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Four “Sex & the City” Dating Types

Are you more like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte?

There are four common Deadly Dating patterns that single women struggle with: Crumbs, Chase Me, Not Perfect-I’ll Pass and Safety Net. The Sex & the City characters, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, are good examples of women who dealt with these self-sabotaging patterns. The characters transformed their unique patterns in order to develop love relationships. Each Deadly Dating pattern reflects specific love relationship challenges and triumphs that many single women face. Here are the four types with fixes that overcome the obstacles of each pattern:

1. The Crumbs Deadly Dating Pattern (like Carrie)

• Accepting seductive and wonderful treatment from a guy who is ultimately
  out of reach & afraid of commitment (Mr. Big)
• Fantasizing about and falling for men who put her second, behind work or
  other women (Russian artist, Aleksandr Petrovsky)
• Cheating on a man who really loved her (Aidan) and pushing him away

Deeper Dynamic: Believing that you don’t deserve a relationship in which you come first.

The Crumbs Fix: Give up the crumbs and take a seat at the banquet table. First, break up with the guys that are only giving you crumbs. Then make a rule: I
only date men who are (a) available and (b) crazy about me (for real). Try this on for size, even if it means spending time with guys who “aren’t good
enough” but who treat you like royalty.

2. The Chase Me Deadly Dating Pattern (like Samantha)

• Endlessly claiming she did not really want to have a relationship
• Leaving lovers & moving on for no apparent reason
• Fearing intimacy (Smith holding her hand in public!) and commitment

Deeper Dynamic: A desperate need to be claimed, almost against your will, (As Smith successfully did with Samantha in the end.)

The Chase Me Fix: Unless he’s a real jerk, no testiness or running off! Instead, take a chance — hang in there and be real with him.

3. The Not Perfect—I’ll Pass Deadly Dating Pattern (like Charlotte)

• Fussy and a perfectionist
• Almost passed on Harry Goldenblatt, a man who was good husband material but balding & unpolished. (refused to go to beach party with him unless he had his back waxed)
• Judgmental and constricted about sexuality

Deeper Dynamic: A self-critical nature where you judge anyone who would want you as “not good enough.”

The Not Perfect – I’ll Pass Fix: Listen to the voice in your head that is hypercritical of you. Then you won’t be projecting so much. If you start feeling turned off when he spills his coffee, say to yourself, I’m being picky and critical in some way of myself, just like my mother (or father) is. Even though this feels strange, it will change the way you look at men.

4. The Safety Net Deadly Dating Pattern (like Miranda)

• Afraid of being alone & pessimistic about her odds of meeting a great guy
• Dating guys she feels are beneath her
• Attracted to a man only if other women are interested in him or he’s left her (Steve)

Deeper Dynamic: Low self esteem & a sense that you can’t compete with other women for a really great successful guy.

The Safety Net Fix: Either leave or help this guy grow into someone you could fall for!

If you see yourself in these patterns, congratulations. Insight is the first step to freeing yourself to create the relationship you want! You can also take a special quiz and find out which Sex and the City pattern you may have. Click Here

You can learn much more about Deadly Dating Patterns and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

To download the PDF file for this article, Click Here

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