Love in 90 Days » dating book

Secrets of Online Dating Success For Over 40s:Part 1

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 22:57:19 +0000

With thirty million unique visitors per month on U.S. dating sites alone, your chances of meeting the One online have never been better. Even if you are over 40. But to get the most of your online dating experience, you’ll need to generate a lot of matches and expect to go through a number of DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) before you get to the STUDs (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dudes) . My six secrets of online dating success will teach you how to sort through a large number of guys quickly, with minimal emotional reactivity in order to meet the good prospects. And there are some great ones out there! Our students have met holistic doctors, lawyers, talented writers and even celebrities and guys worth millions online. Most importantly, they have met great partners who were just right for them.

In Part 1, I’ll show you how to create the all-important photo, the look that will magnetically attract lots of guys to you. In Part 2 we’ll cover your screenname and profile, sites to join, how to describe your ideal match and secrets of search engine optimization. You will be very pleased at how many interesting guys you will attract online if you try just a few of these tips!

1. Your Photo is Everything

Men are visual creatures. When they scan women’s profiles, they sort based on photos. Especially when you are over 40. According to Match.com, men are 14 times more likely to look at a profile that has a photo. They can’t help it—this visual scanning behavior is based in their biology. When men look at the faces of beautiful women, the part of the brain associated with dopamine — the all too powerful falling-in-love chemical of love — actually increases in activity. Men consciously and unconsciously choose beauty because it gives them a better chance at healthy reproduction. Beautiful women are often healthier women with the right amount of estrogen. I know this may offend you, but you can’t fight biology.

You can make it work in your favor, however. So first and foremost, you must put time and energy into getting your best photo for your profile. You want a GREAT head shot of you, with no one else in the photo.

If you’re thinking, “I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie — there go my chances!” think about all those makeovers you’ve seen in magazines and on shows like What Not to Wear: everyone is beautiful; it just needs to be brought out. You have to find your signature look: the hair, makeup and clothing that make you pop. Here’s how to create your look:

Work on your haircut and get your make-up done or do it yourself so that you look and feel your best. Most men like soft, longish, touchable hair and make-up that is not too obvious or overdone. Splurge on getting an updated haircut from a trendy salon. Get your makeup done for free at a high-end department store. (You don’t need to buy their high-priced products—duplicate the colors with drugstore brands if your budget is tight.) Make sure you are surprised and happy about how good you look.
No matter if you have A cups, or DD, buy or find a flattering top that has a scoop neckline—you want to show skin up there, although not too much. You want to look beautiful, with a touch of sexiness, as men like a hint of sexuality in a serious partner. However, avoid slutty.
If beautifying does not come naturally to you, get help from a Love Mentor™ (more on this below). If you have played out the Hermit or Just Buddies deadly dating patterns, definitely do some work with a Mentor before your photo shoot. While you’re readying yourself for your photo, learn how to recreate your look for your dates.

Taking the Photo

Have a friend who is a fabulous photographer take 100+ headshots of you to find one that is so good it surprises you. Make sure you take at least 100; although it sounds like a lot, the whole process will get you over the hump of holding back or being shy on camera. You can also have your photo done by a professional photographer who knows how to interact playfully and help his/her subject be real. If you take this route, make sure your photo looks casual.
If you are having trouble loosening up, deliberately take some ‘bad’ photos where you are overly serious or silly. This technique, used by professional models to warm up for a shoot, will get you into play mode and guarantee that some good pix will be snapped.

Make your photo warm and inviting. As you look at the camera think about your love intention, i.e., something like, I give myself a warm, loving life partner. Or imagine that a man you really love is giving you the biggest compliment! Think about whatever brings a twinkle to your eyes and gives you a real smile. Try heightening the contrast to make your photo pop.
Take a second or third picture that shows you in your element—whether that is at the top of a mountain or with your beloved pooches. Again, do not include photos with others.
Take some full-body shots that are flattering to your figure. Experimentally add the best one to your profile to see how that affects your responses.

OK, I know putting all this work into photos or profiles may make you annoyed or squeamish about having to sell yourself. But this is what it takes to go for it. You need to shine and distinguish yourself from others. You did it to get into college or grad school. You did it to get the job you wanted. Now do it to get the love of your life. If you want to ditch your single days you have to put your best self out there. Period.

The truth is, when my Love Mentoring students do this process, their self-esteem skyrockets! 48-year old Liz puts it this way:

I worked on my hair, makeup and got a gorgeous outfit to have my photo done by a professional. When I saw it I was blown away! I’m a hottie now! Still go back and forth sometimes, but the hottie comes out more and more and is here to stay forever (at least until I’m 90)!

There are many other secrets to making online dating sites produce top-quality guys for women over 40. If you really want to fast forward your success online and learn all the simple secrets that have helped many women in their 40s, 50s and 60s find the One, then I have great news for you. My expert Love Mentors™ will teach you these easy-to-use strategies and help you develop photos, screennames and profiles that will make you stand out. And it’s included in my love mentoring package. Better yet, if you like, I will personally review your online presence at no extra cost. To introduce you to this service and for a limited time you can have a FREE 40-minute coaching session with an expert Love Mentor by phone or Skype. If you really want to maximize the results of your online experience talk to one of my incredible Mentors. Each one has a long background in transformational work, is in a committed lasting love relationship (so they walk the talk) and is closely supervised by me. Most importantly, each Mentor knows how to help you online and off-line so that you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is that we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE. Just click here or go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ to get your own personal FREE 40-minute session by phone or Skype ASAP.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love and the best-seller “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book). Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

He’s Just Not That Into You Quiz: Thirteen Questions to Ask Yourself

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 11:52:19 +0000

Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone. It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men. They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives. Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain. Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park. Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:

Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
Interested in you and your life
Wants to be helpful
Is verbally and physically affectionate
Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
Texts, emails or calls regularly
Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
Becoming more attentive and loving over time
Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
Becoming more open to sharing his living space
Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you. If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities. Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One. Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three. On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon. You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.” A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find, Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Eight Flirting Tips That Say You’re Interested

admin — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 07:00:41 +0000

I get alot of emails that ask me for advice on how to show a man that you’re interested. Here’s one from 48-year old Ellen in Phoenix:
“I see Al at parties, he is a friend of a friend and is so attractive in a laid-back way. We always talk and laugh, but he never asks me out. How do I switch over from the buddy mode and show him I am interested?” Ellen, Phoenix

Sometimes, as Ellen writes, it is hard to open the door with a guy who really interests you. You become shy, wonder exactly what to do, if he is really interested, if you will be rejected and feel bad. You worry and wait and then the evening is over and nothing happens. Home you go, alone with your disappointment. Which feels even worse.

But there are some simple great moves you can make to judge whether a terrific guy might be open to dating you; flirting moves that give a clear green signal, an opening for him to ask you out. You can try one or more of them and see what happens. Remember, no guts, no glory!!!

Flirting is defined by a kind of teasing quality, where one offers, then takes the offer off the table, and then offers again. Flirting puts you in the great feminine/masculine dance. To amp up your flirting, use your Diamond Self name. For those of you who don’t know this term, it’s creating a fun, attractive empowered name for yourself. Dana Owens gave herself a Diamond Self name called Queen Latifah. I want you to also dress yourself in line with that identity and use an affirmation like I am sexy, beautiful and irresistibly attractive. But before we get to these simple flirting tips I want you get this type of valuable information every week and it’s FREE. Simply CLICK Here and subscribe to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.

So here are 8 simple flirting moves to try out:

1. Make eye contact, smile and lick your lips

2. Touch his arm

3. Look him up and down, look away, look back

4. Touch your lips, neck or chest.

5. Suggestively play with your hair, clothing or an object

6. Whisper in his ear.

7. If you know him already, give him a mini-massage

8. If you know him already, give him a fun nickname

And remember, have fun with the guy. Men love women who are fun to be with.

It is so easy to let yourself be quiet, shy or invisible with the ones you are really interested in. It is easy to be in a rut, alone and LONELY, and yet not doing anything about it!!! Get yourself into action. You do not want to be stuck in a net of inaction, a net that stops you from finding that COMPANIONSHIP, CARE, ROMANCE and LOVE that you really want.

If you find that you’re stuck and not able to bust through shyness with the guys you’re attracted to, ask for help. There’s no shame in getting help in one of the most important areas of life. If you broke your arm you’d get help right? Well, if you’re tired of being alone or in disappointing relationships, be good to yourself and ask for help. The best type of help is a Love Mentor, a person who you look up to, who is like a loving benefactor to you. This is a person who gives you COURAGE to go beyond your fears. A person who will help you figure out what to do and where to go, who will get you to TAKE ACTION, to get out there and do what you need to do to meet and attract the great guys. This mentor might be an older family member, a twelve-step sponsor, a therapist or minister. Please make sure, however, that he or she has been successful in love.

Your mentor can give you constructive advice and real input about your dead-end dating patterns, your appearance and the people you date. With that guidance, you will become very successful in dating and relationships. Surprisingly successful!

If you don’t know anyone who fits the bill, I have good news for you! I just launched a personalized one-on-one dating and relationship Love Mentoring™ service. And for a limited time you can have a free 40-minute session by phone or Skype to kick off your new love life. Contact me at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ to arrange your free 40-minute Love Mentoring session.

Here is an email from 50-year old Julie, who has been working with one of my expert Love Mentors and recently overcame a long- standing dead-end dating pattern of being a Hermit:

“I had a great date last night. His name is John. He took me to a lovely restaurant right near my house. We must have been there for at least 3 hours. We had non-stop conversation. He lives in Chicago. He is an entrepreneur. He owns 2 businesses. He is 6’2″. Plays tennis 2 hours a day. Skis Vermont and out west. Kiteboards and windsurfs in the summer. Has two girls 5 and 7. Loves to cook, bikes in warmer weather, coaches soccer. I was so pleasantly surprised to find someone so accomplished living in my backyard. Smart and funny. He is out of town this week. Asked me for a date on Saturday but I already have a date with another guy for Saturday so we are planning on getting together on Sunday.

Sam, my date for Saturday, is very interesting. He also is self-employed owning a manufacturing business supplying the military electronics field. He is an avid outdoorsman; rode horses all of his life. He lives in Lake Forest. And I met him at a dance competition. I am so thankful to my mentor! I cannot tell you how nice it is to be meeting some new men.”

Julie is having the time of her life and you (yes, you!) can too.

So contact me at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ for your free 40-minute session right now.

Wishing you Love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and “Love in 90 Days” .” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

16 Fool-Proof Ways to Tell if He’s Just Not Into You

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:16:13 +0000

He’s Just Not That Into You, the bestseller-turned-movie starring Jennifer Aniston, debunks the obsessive thoughts single women have about hotties who sweep into and out of their lives. These include the endless excuses and stories they make up to justify their fantasies about unavailable men. Women waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” We all know that the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email is that he’s just not that into you.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

But before I help you answer these questions once and for all I want you to take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the One, get to a commitment and much more important information by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.

Now back to helping you determine if he’s really not into you. Take this simple quiz adapted from my bestseller, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 16 characteristics:

Eager to see you
Reluctant to leave you
Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
Interested in you and your life
Wants to be helpful
Is verbally and physically affectionate
Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
Texts, emails or calls regularly
Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
Becoming more attentive and loving over time
Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
Becoming more open to sharing his living space
Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
Saying he loves you
Saying he wants a future with you

Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you. The Love in 90 Days book has the tools to help you make it all happen.

Ten Signs That You’ve Met the One

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 17:44:44 +0000

Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you? Well, you’re not alone. Studies from the University of Virginia have shown that over 90% of young adults believe in the concept. And 88% believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only one person who is your soul mate.

The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was originated by the Greek philosopher Plato. Plato described a soul mate as the person’s “other half” that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been explored in movies like “The Butcher’s Wife,” “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” and “City of Angels.” Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is someone with whom we have shared other lives.

The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us, if only we could find him or her — then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn’t match their ideal of The One. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one guy for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. While I don’t believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).

But before we get to the 10 signs that he or she may be the one, I want you take advantage of my free offer of support.

Understanding how to judge if a man is the One is crucial not only to your success in creating the love you want, but also to your own self-esteem and happiness. And to help you with this important process contact me ASAP because you can have a FREE 40-minute coaching session with an expert Love Mentor by phone or Skype. If you are dealing with a guy you REALLY want, talk to one of my incredible Mentors. Each one has a long background in transformational work, is in a committed lasting love relationship (so they walk the talk) and is closely supervised by me. Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is that we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE. No strings attached. Just click here or go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ to get your own personal FREE 40-minute session by phone or Skype ASAP, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

The Ten Signs

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you’re together you feel like you’ve come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid “knowing” of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you’re together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or excitement, although that’s there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it’s something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel all 10 of these things when you’re with your partner. That’s where the imperfection comes in — either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally — after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways. And don’t forget to take advantage of my free ongoing support. You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much more important information by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.