Dating Advice for Women

‘Rachel,’ one of the awesome women in our Love Mentoring® program is rockin’ it on her journey to creating an extraordinary love relationship.  How?  She took on one of the most powerful and yet most challenging exercises in the dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, the “Loveless Eulogy”.  In this writing exercise you fast forward to a vision of the life that your deadly dating patterns, fear and self sabotage have laid out for you—a loveless life.  And you write your own eulogy.  

So you can then decide if this is the reality you want to live into.

I wanted to share Rachel’s journaling with you (with her permission, of course!) in this dating advice for women series. 

Writing Exercise #1: Rachel died today and it is with sadness that I say… that she was happiest when she was coupled happily and I believe that to be true, for she was unbearably romantic. The problem came when she began to develop intimacy with another; she found reasons why the relationship, deep down, would not last. Sometimes she told herself that it was her partner who did not quite measure up to her expectations, or was flawed in certain ways. Other times it was when her partner unknowingly and unintentionally did something to hurt her. She would allow that pain to penetrate to her deepest pain center and there it would sit and fester—the old wound opened anew that she never allowed to heal

As much as she outwardly proclaimed her love optimism, inwardly, she was the consummate pessimist, she would bristle when confronted with this possibility, and intellectually would qualify her pessimism being more akin to realism or at the very least, wise skepticism.  This conflict of head and heart was terribly confusing to her friends, her partners, and mostly to herself. Yet, it was simply too difficult for her to change. Her indelible conclusion was that if she truly gave her heart, it ultimately would not be wanted by the one she offered it to. And so, instead of having faith in love and holding hope in the face of set-backs and disappointments, she allowed those set-backs and disappointments to erect an impenetrable wall around her heart. She became lost in the grief of rejection that she assumed would happen,

The truest of tragedies about all of this is that Rachel had an infinite capacity for love. Indeed, if you asked her what she believed her soul’s purpose was, it was for love. Her heart was filled with potential and it soared with the feelings from another and for another. She lived too much in her head, though, over thinking, and unfortunately, talking her heart into destroying love. If only she had listened to her heart, followed her heart, and quieted her frightened, doubtful mind, she could have taken the leap. She could have found the faith that was barely beyond her grasp.

She wanted love, oh how she wanted to love and to be loved!

Wow, Rachel did an awesome job on this exercise—and spoke about issues of the heart we have all experienced at one time or another.  She worked very closely with her Love Mentor® and then she tackled the next exercise from Love in 90 Days, called the Right Time to Believe in Love.

Writing Exercise #2

Why now is a good time to love and why I am ready for the first time in my life    to love with complete trust, faith, and belief in myself, my partner, and my relationship

 This exercise is every bit as humbling as the previous one, for if you ask me to be absolutely honest. I will say that I believe I am ready for a relationship, yet is anyone ever completely ready? Are not the dynamics unpredictable when two hearts, minds, and spirits interact teach and learn from each other? You simply don’t know until you dive in and try. That’s my lesson from our Love Mentoring® work so far: to strip away the shroud of fears and jump with joyful faith into the risk. Once there, I believe I am far better prepared to flow with the give and take of relating.

I can say that I am more emotionally equipped to be a solid partner as I deal with my core fears and killer belief of “the chase me problem,” I can say that I am encouraged, feeling stronger by the day, more in tune and more fond of myself as I grow. I can say that my Love Mentoring “boot camp” of self love, emotional strength building, and physical fitness is being noticed by me and others. I can say that the issues raised by my partner were key and have haunted me long enough so that each day I pour my passion and exert my will into resolving them permanently. I am pleased by my progress. So in this regard, yes I am ready.

Given that my sight is crystal clear and my motivation akin to critical mass, I have set the following goals for myself. I read them and take them in a few times each day. They speak to my readiness for love. They are written in the present tense to underscore my achieving them.

• I trust love in my life.
• I release the belief that I will be abandoned when I love.
• I am at peace with my birth mother abandoning me. She recognized her mistake.
• The strong adult I am is nurturing, embracing, and adoring my inner child.
• The wall around my heart is gone.
• I love my partner and everything is alright.
• I permanently release the fear of love rejection.
• I permanently release the belief that I am being rejected.  My confidence is strong!
• My heart is open, bold, and free –I welcome love!

__________________________________________________________________________

Thank you Rachel, for your inspiring work!  If you would like to work one-on-one with a Love Mentor® like Rachel did, contact me ASAP for a session by phone or Skype at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ .  You can have a free 40 minute Love Mentoring consultation with one of the handpicked, expert Mentors who work directly under my supervision.  Let me tell you, they are devoted, wise, loving and can help you get exactly where you want to be.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

Here is another treat in the dating advice for women series!  A true (or should that be “True Blood” ? dating story from one of my students!  Enjoy!

Vampire Bill

Have you ever seen True Blood, a HBO show based on the Sookie Stackhouse book series? Well, it’s all about a virginal clairvoyant named Sookie and her encounters with supernatural beings like vampires, especially one sexy and virtuous vampire named Bill. She became immediately enamored with him because she could not read his thoughts. Finally! A man with whom she could relax and enjoy quiet reflection. On the flip-side, Bill could “glamor” any human he wanted something from…except Sookie. They were drawn to each other simply because their natural gifts were useless and they could just be themselves.

I had my own run-in with a man I will call Bill for this very reason. I spotted him staring from across a crowded concert. Usually men in my city aren’t so forward as to stare directly and intently, so I assumed he was from out of town. After sneaking a few more glances his way, I determined he was alone… and very handsome. I got a wonderfully sweet and sincere “vibe” from him that I will account to my affinity for “New Agers” so I waved him over. He immediately hit it off with my wide group of friends and I. We had wonderful conversation and danced the night away. Bill was in town from LA to see the Dalai Lama, and so he left a bit early to join the group meditation led by his holiness early the following morning. Of course he didn’t leave without requesting my number and a dinner date the next evening, another assertive quality that I find to be rare in men in my city.  It felt especially magical because I had just begun researching a career change and relocation to LA… go figure! I was totally blinded by his halo of goodness and the synchronicity of events.

Over dinner he told me all about his passion for healing and enlightened pastimes like Aikido martial arts and Tibetan Buddhist meditation, teachings and retreats. He worked as a trainer for the elderly and pursued a masters degree in Chinese medicine. He also informed me that he was not open to a relationship having just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years, but he would open his heart to me, just as he would to any person he connected with as part of his spiritual practice. We shared things only old friends would and had wonderful, insightful conversation deep into the night. After dodging his advances a few times I finally let him kiss me. He was so humble, gentle and sweet. I trusted him immediately and completely.  I have to admit with that kind of chemistry jolting through my veins, I was hooked.

I travel quite a bit for work and so I wished him a good nights sleep,  safe travels and hopes that we could meet again in his hometown. He agreed that it would be really fun to hang out again. Over the weeks that followed our first date up until the days before my expected arrival in LA, he called, emailed or texted me every day, as frequently as his schedule would allow. I was flattered, but more than that, I was impressed with his ability to stay neutral while we discussed several topics that struck deeps chords in my soul and caused some emotional upheaval. He assured me there were no judgments and that it was safe to tell him anything. For the first time I felt like I could just relax and enjoy my reflections without causing anger or judgment. I was wrong.

Things unraveled when I expressed my distaste for his use of my photos to pleasure himself. By the 3rd time I mentioned my displeasure, he told me I was selfish and that I was projecting my sexual problems onto him. We had an argument. With my very best Diamond-Self judgment in tact, I sincerely felt I had expressed fear, sadness and disinterested feelings, not anger or judgment in hearing about his personal habits. He ranted about how he could always “glamor” any girl he wanted and that he always got into these type of arguments and issues because I wanted more than he could give. I felt like he was attributing every other dating relationship issue he had ever had to our dating relationship. When I backpedaled and tried to transition our connection into friendship, he told me he did not believe in friendship between men and women. We talked through it, but I was a bit unnerved and decided not to disclose anymore of my problems, at least not until I felt I could trust him again.

A week of more funny inside jokes and conversation passed and so I shared my travel itinerary to LA with him. We made arrangements for another date. Our connection was definitely romantic, but I had told him he should not expect sex. One solid month of intense conversation over the phone felt like several dates to me, but he has still not mentioned any interest in a commitment with me. Of course in my mind, that commitment and love connection might still happen once we spent time together again in person and then I would definitely want to sleep with him. The possibilities still felt endless to me, even though the writing was on the wall!

Our second argument was our last. I was trying to fit our date into my day off of work in LA, which was planned around his schedule. When his schedule changed, he asked to change our date. As we discussed the details of his long commute times in traffic and issues with dog ownership, he mentioned that his ex could not watch the dog for the day because it would be inconsiderate to ask her to take care of his responsibilities while he was “off banging some chick.” At first I took it as his sense of humor, but it did not sit well with me for obvious reasons. The old me would have hoped it was just a joke and brushed it off, internalized the blow. With my diamond self in full effect, I told him that he needed to watch his language and treat me with respect. He told me “I can’t handle this” because he was sick of all our “negative interactions” and “couldn’t give me what I wanted” and that he was “not open to debate the issue any further.”

At that point I realized we never talked about what we wanted. We talked about what he DIDN’T want and we talked about my problems. No wonder things were so messed up! He thought I was just some chick with a whole lot of baggage who didn’t have any expectations whatsoever. I told him I cared about him as much as I cared about all my friends and loved ones, but that I simply could not tolerate disrespect.  I have not heard from him since.

In the end, like Sookie, he was not able to glamor me, but only thanks to you, Dr. Diana. If he and I should ever encounter each other again, I can at least respect myself enough to know that I was not just another woman he used for sex with while recovering from his breakup. Also, I’ve learned to take men for face value. From now on I will not be glamored by their sweet actions when their words spell out something completely bad for me: “I’m not open to a relationship” plus meaningful conversation and phone calls, letters, dates, paying for dinner, making plans and constantly texting sweet nothings all day, everyday does not mean he’s looking for love or a commitment. It means he looking for sex and HE’S NOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP…period! Hopefully one day soon I’ll meet a man who respects me and loves me for standing my ground and does not shut down or run off. Until then, here’s a funny glamor scene from True Blood: http://youtu.be/subXGkZKD-w

Many thanks,
“A”

Thanks so much, “A”!!! Hope you enjoyed this awesome dating story!  For lots more on developing your empowered charismatic Diamond Self and taking charge of your dating and love life, pick up a copies of the bestselling books Love in 90 Days and Sealing the Deal:  The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.  And please drop me a line about your success!!!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

 Dating Advice for Women

     Sex and the City 2 is just about to explode in the collective psyche of women everywhere.  Tickets are already going like hotcakes.  Why?  .  TCarrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are character types many women can totally relate to.  Their friendship is a soul mate bond, steadying each one, as they weave in and out of difficulties with men.  Sex and the City 2 will reveal more of their adventures and misadventures together in the world of love. 

       The Sex & the City foursome are good examples of women who deal with four common self-sabotaging patterns that many real women struggle withhe four Deadly Dating patterns are Crumbs, Chase Me, Not Perfect-I’ll Pass and Safety Net.   Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda transformed their patterns in order to develop or maintain love relationships. Their stories reflect the challenges and triumphs of real women as they navigate the rocky journey to lasting love.

      Here are the four Deadly Dating Patterns from my book, Love in 90 Days and their  all-important dynamics:

The Crumbs Deadly Dating Pattern (like Carrie)

• Accepting seductive & wonderful treatment from a guy who is ultimately out of reach & afraid of commitment. (Mr. Big) Carrie triumphs on this one!
• Fantasizing about & falling for men who put her second, behind work or other women  (the Russian)
• Cheating on a man who really loved her (Aidan), pushing him away.  (It looks like Aidan will be back in Sex & the City 2!!!)

 Deeper Dynamic: Believing that you don’t deserve a relationship in which you come first.

 The Chase Me Deadly Dating Pattern (like Samantha)

• Endlessly claiming she did not really want to have a relationship
• Leaving lovers & moving on for no apparent reason
• Fearing intimacy (Smith holding her hand in public!) and commitment

 Deeper Dynamic: A desperate need to be claimed, almost against your will, (As Smith successfully did for a while with Samantha.)

The Not Perfect—I’ll Pass Deadly Dating Pattern (like Charlotte)

• Fussy and a perfectionist
• Almost passed on Harry Goldenblatt, a man who was good husband material but balding & unpolished. (refused to go to beach party with him unless he had his back waxed)
• Judgmental and constricted about sexuality

Deeper Dynamic: A self-critical nature where you judge anyone who would want you as “not good enough.”

The Safety Net Deadly Dating Pattern (like Miranda) 

• Afraid of being alone & pessimistic about her odds of meeting a great guy
• Dating guys she feels are beneath her
• Attracted to a man only if other women are interested in him or he’s left her (Steve)

 Deeper Dynamic: Low self esteem & a sense that you can’t compete with other women for a really great successful guy.

     In the bestselling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, you can read much more about each of these Deadly Dating Patterns and nine others that can seriously sabotage your love life.  And, most importantly, how to escape from each one of them to create the love relationship you really want!  

      Wondering which type you are?  You can take a special quiz and find out which Sex & the City Girl you are most like at http://www.MyDatingPatterns.com.  It comes with a free customized bonus Report & Fix-It Kit for your Dating Type.

Wishing you love,

Dr. D

Dr. Diana Kirschner

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

www.lovein90days.com

So let’s say you’ve been following  my Dating Advice for Women, had “The Talk” and worked through the usual ups and downs of the commitment process. You’ve even gone so far that marriage looks like the next step and he’s willing, if not eager, to go for it.

But wait, as they say, there’s more! Is getting married in the 21^st century such a great idea for women?  My many friends (especially women) from around the world on www.youtube.com/lovein90days/ are constantly posting comments like “marriage is dying,” and that living together is “so much better.”  And there has been a global sea change where now more people are living together than are married. Plus, some studies have shown that singles with strong social support are basically as happy as married women in good marriages[i].

Then there are the skeptics who claim that marriage is a bad deal for women today.  For example, in her recent bestseller[ii], Elizabeth Gilbert quotes research which shows that married women are less successful, more depressed, less healthy and more likely to die a violent death than single women.  Citing what she calls the “Marriage Benefit Imbalance” Gilbert points out that, while women fare poorly, men actually benefit physically and psychologically from marriage.   Nonetheless, she winds up, like many other women, getting married herself by the end of her book.  Hmm.

In response to this controversy I decided to write a blog series in this Dating Advice for Women section of the website where I  look at the hundreds of studies conducted around the world on the impact of marriage on women’s mental health, longevity, lifestyle and marital satisfaction.   We’ll look at these areas one by one and see what the latest research shows.  Here’s a secret I learned when I got my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology: To find more of the whole truth, don’t rely on one study or one author’s work, especially if there are others that contradict it. So while I admire Gilbert as a writer I have to say I’m disappointed that she relied on the work of one sociologist who did her research way back in the 1970s.

The “Marriage Benefit Imbalance” was first popularized in 1982 by Jessie Bernard in her book, The Future of Marriage[iii]. This work created a lasting myth that women do not benefit from marriage.  Bernard argued that there are two marriages: his and hers. She tried to prove this by showing: that women were unpaid for their parenting and domestic responsibilities and as housewives were not as valued as men are for their work outside the home; that men, by controlling the finances had power over women in marriage; and that married men lived longer than single men. Bernard also claimed that married women, on the other hand, did not live longer than single gals. In her comparison studies, she also said that married men reported they were happier than single men but also that they were happier than married women.

And the list of the supposedly toxic effects of marriage continued. Bernard claimed that more women than men are unhappy in marriage, so unhappy that they are depressed and have poorer mental health than single women. In short, Bernard believed that marriage was a good deal for men and not so kind to women.

Well, a lot has changed since the 70s.  Marriage is no longer the hallowed institution it once was.  Greater numbers of unmarried couples are living together; the age at first marriage is higher; more women are participating in higher education; have better paying jobs and brighter career opportunities; and greater numbers of women are choosing to become single mothers, either through adoption or insemination with donor sperm. Women are more independent all the way around.  So they need marriage less.  And yet, despite all of these advances, many women still want to get married.

Let’s face it: we all would agree that nothing is worse than an abusive marriage and that for many women single life works just fine, thank you.  But I think it’s worth understanding if marriage really is a bad deal for women and what marriage can and can’t do for you.

So stay tuned for this Dating Advice for Women Series!

And don’t forget  to get  my FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely free! Just Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner ♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

[i] Contact author for references

[ii] E. Gilbert (2010). Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage,

[iii] J. Bernard (1982). The Future of Marriage.

A  mathematician and economist used game theory in a research that shows that a longer courtship before having sex allows the male to show that he is “good” from the female’s vantage point (“goodness” defined as his willingness to care for young after mating).  The study, by Seymour and Sozou, is titled “Duration of courtship effort as a costly signal” and can be found at:
http://else.econ.ucl.ac.uk/papers/uploaded/321.pdf

This study is amusing in that the researchers actually use value-laden terms of “good” and “bad”.  In my view there is nothing “wrong” with having sex. But jumping into an intimate relationship before you know someone is not usually a great choice for either a man or a woman–if they have a goal of creating a lasting love relationship.

Having sex drives up levels of the hormone, oxytocin, which in turn can create a strong biological attachment. Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone. Throughout the whole sexual act you will experience increases in this hormone. This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you know: a) if you like them; b) if they are the kind of partner you want; or, c) whether they want to be in a relationship with you.

In addition, rushing into an intimate relationship can cause the release of dopamine, which is the infatuation biochemical. This means your body may organize you to feel like you are wildly in love, even if this person is not someone who will be the kind of partner you truly want.

A conscious and deliberate decision to hold off on sex until you get to know someone is not in the least manipulative–for either a man or a woman who is interested in lasting love. It is not some secret agenda that must be kept hidden. It has to do with being clear about one’s relationship goals and finding someone who is truly compatible and shares a similar vision.

It is a form of self-love.

And it is totally in line with the powerful Dating Program I describe in my dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. My students (of all ages) who are having great success in finding lasting and committed relationships are casually dating a few guys and not having sex with any of them at the outset (a little kissing and canoodling is OK).   This is the best relationship advice I have–when you follow the program and find the One, you will have the juicy,  in-love connection that lasts for many years!!!

And don’t forget, get the latest on EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!

Lots of love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.