Have you and your partner been stuck in a rut lately? Is the passion and heat that was there before not happening today? Well you’re not alone. Most couples that have been together for awhile complain that things have changed, especially in the bedroom. Yet, researchers have studied tens of thousands of couples in long-term relationships who seem to have figured out the secret to keeping passion alive even after 30 years together. So what’s their secret?
In my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I describe seven of the best ways for couples to keep a relationship intimate and hot. We can’t cover each of them in depth as I do in the book but here’s a quick look at these seven secrets. Healthy couples keep passion alive, kindling and rekindling their chemistry and fulfilling each other’s sexual needs regularly. Sharing a commitment to shared passion that gets progressively richer and sexier instead of devitalizing with time, they create novel and exciting ways to flirt with, romance, and bed each other. They treat each other as if they were having an affair, fulfilling each other sexually in new, more intimate, and satisfying ways over time. Part of cultivating passion is having little rituals, signals, and signs that set the stage for sex, dates, and romance. They may routinely say silly endearing things to each other that signify their special bond and connection.
Here are seven steps you can take to develop the habit of cultivating passion in your relationship:
- Spend time alone as a couple (no friends, no kids, no texting).
- Know each other’s daily routines and habits.
- Take turns having formal ten-minute listening sessions where one of you talks while the other listens with full attention, like a validating therapist.
- Share hugs, kisses, and affection in ways both of you enjoy.
- Start a sweet bedtime or greeting ritual with silly or endearing phrases or nicknames.
- Create win–win sexual fulfillment. Check out my two blogs on four different categories of sexual play that passionate couples enjoy: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. Practice these techniques regularly. You and your partner will both thank me.
- Act like you are having an affair with each other.
Build the Habit of Cultivating Passion
Read over the seven steps. They are the blueprint for developing the habit of cultivating passion in your relationship. Take out your calendar for the next month. Make notes on which of these steps you would like to focus and work on, indicating the day and time for each. You can do this with your Beloved, or solo if he is not yet on board. He will be!
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter