Today’s relationship advice blog is written by one of our expert love mentors, Karen Holland. Karen is also a licensed marriage and family therapist and is well-known in the Denver area. In the first half of this two-part relationship advice essay she shows how communication is like plumbing and wiring in our homes; we take it for granted until it goes bad.
Relationship Advice: How Bad Communication is Like Bad Plumbing
Communication in a love relationship is like the plumbing and electricity in our homes. We take them for granted yet without them, we can function, but it’s not much fun or very easy. Yes, bad communication like leaky pipes or faulty wire can make life pretty ugly.
Ultimately, good communication happens when we are happy and close with our partners. Have you ever noticed when you’re feeling connected, you can easily overlook how imperfect your partner might say things or that you just “get” what they’re trying to say? And, have you noticed that when you’re feeling distant or resentful toward your partner, everything they say is somehow hurtful or misunderstood? So, if you want good communication, work toward maintaining a close, happy relationship. To read more about great relationship advice and tips for maintaining a close connection, see Dr. Diana’s bestselling relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.
What is Bad Communication?
We all know when it’s bad. The miscommunications pile up and we feel more and more frustrated. Bad communication sets us up for hurt feelings or unmet expectations. Bad communication contains seven basic characteristics:
- Resistance – The act of resisting most things your partner is trying to tell you, ask of you or suggest to you (especially around areas of health, finances, family matters, or self destructive behaviors).
- Defensiveness – The same as resistance but adding either blame, return criticism or avoiding the issue.
- Stonewalling – Actively ignoring your partner when they’re talking to you either by leaving the room or turning head or eyes away (more than just distraction; an obvious act of rejection).
- Arguing – Arguing isn’t effective communication. It isn’t necessarily bad or even a predictor of divorce; it’s just not good communication. It’s usually laced with defensiveness and criticism.
- Listening through filters – We all have filters (intoxication, being too tired, emotionally triggered, etc.). The problem is when we don’t recognize or acknowledge them. Once acknowledged, we have a choice on how to respond. See Part 2 of this article for relationship advice and information on filters.
- Being indirect/unclear - Human beings can get into the bad habit of being really unclear when they communicate. We drop a hint and hope our partners pick up on it. If you want something done or heard, be very clear and specific.
- Being Critical/Harsh/Name calling – This sounds like obvious bad communication but it’s labeled in our minds as things like: “It’s just how I feel!” or “I was just mad.” But the damage of criticism, name calling or being harsh runs deep and too much of it can really destroy trust, closeness and respect in a relationship.
If you find yourself doing any of these seven bad habits, here is the most critical relationship advice: stop yourself and take a time out. You and your partner will be glad you did.
Thank you, Karen, for your wise words and great relationship advice. And don’t miss Part 2 tomorrow in which Karen gives ten relationship advice tips on how to communicate about a touchy subject.
If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session with a seasoned pro like Karen, click here or go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching. You can get tailored, key relationship advice that is just right for you and your love relationship right now…so that you can reconnect with a loved one you might be losing.
Wishing you love,
Dr. Diana
♥Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
cool insight. i really think that the way you convey a message and the way you react to one shows a lot of some potentials, and not. so its best to be careful and maintain an understanding.
This is great advice! It is so important to be conscious of how your behavior affects your partner and hurts your relationship. I think too many people focus too much on what they other person says or does and they forget to look at how they are contributing to the relationship.