Is this dating mistake keeping you from love?
From the moment you met eyes, it seemed like fate.
He was everything you’re looking for. He said and did all the right things. The chemistry was off the charts. You even found his quirky habits adorable.
You just knew he was IT. The One.
And so you threw caution to the wind and jumped into a relationship. Before you knew it, you were spending a glorious weekend together and planning a vacation to Cabo next month.
And then kaput. Finito. Nada. You sit there alone making excuses for why his text, email or call never comes.
I call this dating mistake — this tendency to rush in — The Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. I’ve worked with so many women who have had this happen to them. It’s gut wrenching! When the guy is acting like you’re the One and showering you with attention, it’s hard to resist. The problem is when you rush in, you set yourself up for missing red flags and put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you.
As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. When we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. You become like a craving coke-addict obsessed with your new (drug-like) boyfriend. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives in the hottie. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hotwired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him.
Because of this addictive tendency, it can sometimes take months even years to get over the short-lived relationship with the man you didn’t actually know that well. All that is time you’ll never get back.
Here’s how to break the Flame-Out dating mistake and set yourself up for lasting love.
Take it slow. No 5-hour dates. Less frequent and shorter dates will slow down the addictive process and allow you to assess whether this is a good guy who is truly interested in being with you.
Write up a list of his negative traits. The addictive brain chemistry blinds you to his faults. This will help you be more realistic.
Continue to date other guys. This forces you to slow things up with the hottie.
Do not have sex for at least two to three months. Sex releases the bonding hormone, oxytocin, and will bind you to him even more.
Ground your mind with meditation, yoga or other mind/body practices. This offsets the speedy quality of the love addiction.
Distract yourself. Taking on a major project at work, going on a trip, etc, changes your focus and slows down the addiction