Are Men Really After One Thing? Part 1

men really afterAre men really after one thing: sex? Commercials, ads, sitcoms, reality shows and popular magazines certainly tell us so. There are guys in beer commercials ogling babes. Characters in sitcoms that thrive on double entendre jokes showing they are always on the prowl to score. Steamy hot tub scenes and couples rushing into the bedroom on singles-themed reality shows. Newspapers and popular magazines feature male politicians or celebrities who are cheating on long-suffering wives right on their covers. Are men shallow creatures who are ready to jump at the chance of escaping commitment, looking to cop a feel, or more from any woman they meet?

No, no and no!

Sand, Fisher, Rosen & Julia Heiman, Director of the Kinsey Institute, say we should pay attention and ask men, rather than presume we know. And they did just that. The researchers conducted an eight country random survey of 27,839 men ages 20-75. Using a tool (pun intended) called the Men’s Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality (MALES) the authors found that men’s perceptions of masculinity and quality of life differed markedly from the stereotypes above. Interestingly enough, the study also compared men with and without erectile dysfunction. Amazingly, there were no significant differences between those two groups on the MALES items.

So what are men really after if it’s not a great sex life?

Before we get to the results on what are men really after I want you to take advantage of my free ongoing support. You can learn EXACTLY how to flirt, overcome shyness, how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, how to go from casual to a real commitment, how to keep the passion going and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

Across all countries, being seen as a “man of honor” was the single highest ideal in the masculinity section of the study –far more important than “being physically attractive,” “having success with women,” or “having an active sex life.” Together with “being in control of your own life” these two attributes accounted for about 60% of the responses.

The MALES findings are in agreement with what I have found in over 25 years of clinical practice and discuss in my dating advice book, Love in 90 Days. I’ve included a new chapter called Dating Games Men Play in which I detail 16 different problematic male relationship patterns. Despite fears of being vulnerable, of being loved and loving, most men want to be honorable rather than be cads. Only three of the 16 types are rated unworkable for lasting love.

For example, a small percentage of men are caught in what I call the Player Deadly Dating Pattern. These are often the “hot bad boys” who can be enormously infatuating to women because of their smooth romantic alpha behavior. But under that seductive bravado they are usually insecure, have low self-esteem and a “me-first mentality.” These are the men who value conquest over being connected and honorable. For these reasons, the Player can pose a great deal of difficulty for women who want a lasting love relationship. In Part II we will examine other juicy nuggets in this landmark study on what are men really after as well as some of my other clinical findings with single men.

Wishing you love,
Dr. Diana

About Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed relationship advice book, "Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love", and of the best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.


  1. says

    Awesome Article. I love sex but I have learned that it’s better to harness the sex energy and transmute it into something I can use. I personally take the sex energy and use it to accomplish things. My number one focus for my life is to be a man of integrity.

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