Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good sex promotes physical and mental health and the vitality of the relationship. Sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. So after having sex each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates connection.
And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone which creates a strong biological attachment[i]. For a man, having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close, even more so than for a woman.
Sounds great right? Unfortunately, various studies show that many people are unhappy with their sex lives. For example, the Journal of the American Medical Association found that 43% of American women and 31% percent of men admitted they had a sexual problem. And usually these studies under-report the actual percentages because, let’s face it: who wants to admit they can’t get it up or they can’t have an orgasm through intercourse?
In my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I look at the biggest issues couples face in their boring sex lives and more important what do do about it. Here are three of the biggest relationship obstacles to having great sex: couples don’t turn sex into play enough of the time; they don’t experiment; and they’re afraid to tell each other what they really like in bed. Yeah, we all know that men love oral.
So in this two-part series adapted from Sealing the Deal, we’ll show you how to get the most out of sexual play. Researchers have found that there are four primary ways in which couples can really enhance their sex life: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. In Part I we’ll look at how novelty and sexual trance make for oh so much fun and in Part II we’ll look at how partner engagement and role play turn ho-hum sex into fireworks.
But before we dive into this sexy topic, I want you to take advantage of FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.
Now back to how to make sex more fun.
Let’s first start with the importance of novelty in sexual play. Novelty is the key that keeps dopamine, the brain chemical associated with exhilaration and ecstasy going. Dopamine is what’s responsible for a lover’s high and also for infatuation. So if you want to keep that buzz going do any or all of the following nine novelties:
- Vary the places you make love
- Vary the way you set the stage through candle lighting or a bubble bath
- Use feathers for exquisite arousal
- Use sex toys with each other or in front of each other
- Put whipped cream on each other
- Wear sexy lingerie or outfits
- Vary your foreplay
- Try new positions
- Most importantly, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied.
Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his/her own pleasure and sensations and creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win-win sex each one of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for each of you.
Þ In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations in intercourse positions and most importantly, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!
Þ Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what the legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson described as sensate focus. This simple but effective technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.
The more you know about each other’s body the better you and your lover will be able to please each other. Guide each other by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my stomach and slowly work your way down.” Or , “I love it when you tease my backside.”
Even if you have problems now, both of you can recover and find new heights of pleasure. Be sure to read Part II of this series.
And don’t forget that you can get FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of the new relationship advice book,“Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and the best-seller “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” . Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.
[i] See a review of the literature in M. Kosfeld, M. Heinrichs, P.J. Zak, E. Fehr, 2005. Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435, 673-676.