In my new book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love I describe Seven Natural Laws of Attraction. These are seven keys that underlie attraction in couples and keep passion and romance alive for many, many years. One of those seven Laws is this:
Decide that you are having an ongoing affair with your Beloved.
You’re wondering, what am I talking about? Well, if you want to set the stage for a win–win sexual relationship that is relatively cheating-proof, you must be creative and in a sense “the other woman.” You know, the one he’s having the affair with. Think it sounds crazy? Based on many years of experience with clients, students, and mentees, I know that practicing having an affair with him can lead to years of passion if he truly is the One. In order to conduct an ongoing affair with your man, practice physical touch, flirting, and sex play. In this excerpt we’ll only look at physical touch.
Acting like you are having an affair is a powerful relationship enhancer no matter how long you have been together. Here is the key principle:
Ask yourself: What would I be doing or saying if right now if we were having an affair? Then go for it!
What’s interesting about having an affair is that the partners are not automatically available to do the deed. The lingering touch, the sweet nibble on the ear, the deep French kiss may or may not go any farther. There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical that is synonymous with anticipation, excitement, and focus on the Beloved. Infatuation sizzles.
Make Physical Contact
Sex begins with physical contact. In fact, couples with great sex lives often are the ones you see holding hands and touching in public. As we’ve discussed, physical nonsexual contact creates oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding, and trust hormone. In order to amplify this even more, if he is receptive, hold hands, kiss, or stroke his face. His hands, lips, and face are all highly touch-sensitive areas! Gazing into his eyes also releases oxytocin and is an extremely powerful bonding move. In one study, strangers shared intimate details about themselves and then stared into each other’s eye for four minutes. Many reported being extremely attracted to each other. One couple in the study actually got married!
Trace the outline of his bicep with your finger or give him a mini massage on his neck and shoulders. Find out what kind of touch he enjoys: stronger, softer, or in between. You both will feel great as the oxytocin works its magic.
On the other hand, many men don’t like to be touched unless it’s on the playing field (why do they slap each other’s butts?) or in the sack. Yet they crave contact with us. And it’s often communicated in a strange way. Here’s a brief excerpt from an actual therapy session with a couple where the touching-versus-not-touching issue was threatening to destroy the relationship.
She: Greg never touches me unless it’s sexual.
He: I’m not a touchy-feely guy, but I love to be with you.
She: You sure have a funny way of showing it.
He: Doc, we were watching a TV show last night and were sitting together on the couch.
She: Tell her how you started a fight.
He: Well, it was nice and cozy and then Ellen left the room and just disappeared.
She: It didn’t seem to matter whether I was there or not. You weren’t paying me any attention.
He: What, are you kidding? I was really upset that you left.
Okay. What is this man saying that she missed? Translation: I want to be in your space, your presence, because it feels like home. Now, obviously he needed to demonstrate more physical affection, but that was easy to achieve once Ellen got how much Greg loved being around her. She learned to be specific about the kind of touch she needed from Greg. The key is to ask for it in a positive and validating way, as in “I really love it when you [put your arm around me, play with my hair while I lie in your lap, rub my back—fill in the blank].” So from that day on when they watched their favorite shows or movies, she would curl up on him and he would touch her till she was purring. They even had more fun in bed.
To learn more about the Natural Laws of Attraction, be sure to order Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.
Wishing you love,
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” (February, 2011) as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter