He is Just Not That Into You Quiz: Thirteen Questions to Ask Yourself

Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone.  It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men.  They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.”  Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he is just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives.  Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain.  Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park.  Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait?  Just how do you really tell if he is just not that into you?  Well here’s my “he is just not that into you quiz” designed to answer the question: Am I wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my best-selling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:

  1. Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
  2. Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
  3. Interested in you and your life
  4. Wants to be helpful
  5. Is verbally and physically affectionate
  6. Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
  7. Texts, emails or calls regularly
  8. Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
  9. If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
  10. Becoming more attentive and loving over time
  11. Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
  12. Becoming more open to sharing his living space
  13. Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you.  If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities.  Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One.  Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three.  On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon.  You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.”  A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

About Dr. Diana Kirschner

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a relationship advice expert, frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show and the creator of a globally available dating coach and Love Mentor® program. Dr. Diana is also the best-selling author of the acclaimed relationship advice book, "Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love", and of the best-selling relationship and dating book, “Love in 90 Days”. Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.

Comments

  1. says

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really
    appreciate your efforts and I will be waiting for your next write ups
    thanks once again.

  2. Pauline Jones says

    I’m living with a guy who is 25 years younger than me and who
    is studying for his Phd in chemistry, he claims that he spends
    his all nighters at lab 3 or 4 nights a week. But I have
    found evidence that he is seeing another woman and
    probably is sleeping at her place…everytime I
    discover something he tells me he is not sleeping
    with her that he loves me, I feel in my gut that
    this is just a manipulation but I can’t get out of
    this situation…He has a nice apartment for one
    and is nice looking for two…but I feel lonely
    most of the time

  3. says

    Develop what i call your Diamond Self (see the book, Love in 90 Days!) so that you get more luscious and he sees you being your most fabulous self. And flirt with other guys in front of him!!!

  4. Mon Mon Marti says

    I’m in deep love with a guy who is nice but distant. When i first tried to ask him out he told me he liked me as a friend. That scarred me, like a lot of love pursuits has, but this one stuck to me like a bear with a honey Brazilian strip for days. I want to get over him but now I see him daily so that’s incredibly hard. Diane, if you got a solution, I’d love to hear it.

  5. says

    Hi Tam!
    You have to decide if this relationship is for you. What you see now is what you get. Essentially crumbs. I would let him know you need more in a relationship and if he cannot give it to you, you will have to move on. I know it is tough to do this!!!!! If you need support , go to the coaching tab on lovein90days.com and get it from one of my awesome Love Mentors-by Skype or phone. I wish you all the best. xoxo

  6. Tam says

    I am so confused!! This guy tells me he misses me, and wants to be exclusive, yet we rarely see each other. The first date was amazing. Being that we have only been taklking for a little over a month, I have only saw him 2x, however he does text mr good morning every morning and sends xoxo. I just don’t know what he really wants. He says he is always super busy!! HELP.

  7. JPG says

    Uh oh – an interloper! As a guy who is doing his own self-reflection,I can say that unfortunately one of the main reasons a guy won’t come out and say ‘I’m just not that into you’ is – a large number of us (not me anymore, I hope) is we’re wimps! While we may be the bravest when it comes to fighting fires, ninjas and mother-in-laws, when it’s time for him to say ‘Sorry, but…’ we turn to jelly. BIG part of it is fear of the big conflict, but believe it or not, the larger part is not wanting to ‘hurt’ the woman. And there are those that don’t want to witness the pain they are causing when they cause that hurt. Thus, taking the easy way out and shutting down or avoiding seems to be the ‘best’ way. Of course it’s not, but a hard lesson to learn. Just wanted to add my 2 cents.

  8. kat says

    hello, when a guy is very sweet when he is whith us, but dont send messages, or calls, and says (about us) that he dont know yet what he wants but kiss in the mouth in front of everyone and introduces to his friends…he’s interested in me? i dont know, i feel he may just wants sex…

  9. karen says

    Now I know I did the right thing. I recently ditched a guy who had said he was really that into me yet he never kept in contact. Always making the excuse he had no credit on his phone and was too busy. He scored a big fat zero on the above test.

  10. Cheri says

    I just bailed on a “he’s just not that into you” guy. I deleted him from every place I had him as a contact and I do not expect him to come chasing after. Sure it’s disappointing. But it will pass. It beats the emotional upheaval of confusion and the erosion of my self esteem.

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