Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone. It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men. They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.
The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives. Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain. Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park. Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.
How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?
To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:
- Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
- Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
- Interested in you and your life
- Wants to be helpful
- Is verbally and physically affectionate
- Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
- Texts, emails or calls regularly
- Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
- If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
- Becoming more attentive and loving over time
- Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
- Becoming more open to sharing his living space
- Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you. If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities. Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One. Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.
If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three. On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon. You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.” A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.
And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find, Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!
Wishing you love,
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.