Have you ever asked yourself these kind of questions about a guy?
How could he disappear so quickly after he came on so strong? Why hasn’t he called? Was he just into the sex? How could he not see how great we are together? Why doesn’t he make a date? Why did he put his profile back up? Will this man ever commit? What the heck is going on with him? Is it him? Or is it me?
Ah, men. So confusing.
And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, roses, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, funny dates, a perfect little heart necklace, delicious kisses and more?
Fortunately, I’ve logged many therapy hours listening to men as they’ve opened up and explored their deepest needs and fears. Those private moments have given me a unique window into understanding guys’ dating games and issues. And in this article, I will take you behind the scenes and share those intimacies with you.
The good news is that they, like us, usually really do want true love, and down deep they realize that they’d be happier, more content and more sexually satisfied if they had a good relationship. The bad news is they are also scared, and they push real intimacy or commitment away. Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming relationship. Believe it or not, they also fear rejection and abandonment. And all these fears play out in a variety of ways. Men play out unconscious and conscious games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. That’s why dating them can be so confusing and frustrating.
Guy’s fears of being vulnerable, of being loved and loving, lead them to enact their dating games or patterns. Like us, they have habitual ways of sabotaging themselves when it comes to romance and love. Unfortunately, men often follow these same self-destructive dead-end patterns over and over again, sinking possibilities of love into the netherworld in the process.
Understanding guys’ dating games is crucial not only to your success in creating the love you want, but also to your own self-esteem and happiness. And to help you with this important process I want to make sure you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, how to go from casual to a real commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Click Here to get started now.
Understanding these dating patterns can liberate us from these self-blaming thoughts. Instead we can more easily say – and understand – that, “It is not just about me. It’s about him and his issues.” We can view relationships in a more balanced way, examining more objectively who did what to whom.
In the very beginning of a relationship it may be very hard or even impossible to know for sure if a guy is caught in any one dating pattern. Many of the patterns start out with a perfectly great opening phase. This is another important reason why it is a powerful protective step for you to go on the Dating Program of Three. If you see three guys at the same time and compare and contrast their styles, you will see their romantic patterns more easily. Plus by going slowly and avoiding sex with all of them, you will be able to see each one’s dating game emerge.
So I want you to pick up a copy of my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love. By the time you finish the chapter on Men’s Committment Fears I hope you have many ‘Aha experiences in understanding and being clear about these patterns. Armed with this knowledge you can quickly get away from guys who are DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) or relationships that are truly dead-end or even destructive. You can see clearly when it is time to stay and work on the relationship or when it’s time to cut your losses and go. You can be freer to choose the ones you want, the ones who give you love that is just right for you.
In order to do that, I will arm you with the information you need about men and how to set the stage for committment or when you need to cut him loose. So pick up the book and get ready to become an expert on the minds of men.
Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & the best-selling author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and “Love in 90 Days.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree with the first commenter in the sense that if you adopt the philosophy of no premarital sex then you do eliminate 90% of the problem. The problem with that or should I say challenge is to find a man who shares that same value and philosophy.
If your philosophy is not based on no premarital sex then a person needs a way of screening a person to discover what their deep intentions are in regards to a relationship with you in the short and long term
99% of men will use women for sex as their first intention, and have “relationship” in mind as a second intention, if it turns out they actually like the girl.
The solution? Even if you don’t believe in Him, God’s principles do wonders for your life and well being. NO PREMARITAL SEX. How can you be used and then have a man disappear if you don’t screw him? hint: you can’t. If you’re not ****ing before marriage, the only ones that will stick are the ones who actually matter, and the trash will be gone fast (especially if you tell them directly: no sex before marriage).
In the beginning most men and women don’t look beyond the body language or chemistry that attracted them to each other in the first place and that just lasts so long.
If they don’t have the same value system or beliefs there will usually be a problem down the line.
Some couples, partners who have different goals can learn to respect each others differences or interests and outlooks but it’s hard to be with someone who is not as motivated as yourself to grow and that may hold you back or vice versa.
On the other hand, it can make a good balance as long as your value system and beliefs are the same. I’ve been called a workaholic(in the art field) but it’s just that my mind is always working on creating new things and I can only sit around like a lump or “relax” for so long before I get ansy.
I have nothing bad to say about any of the women I’ve been involved with over the years as I look at it as we all learned from each other and there was respect for each other.
I wasn’t right and they weren’t wrong and vice versa …we just had different outlooks.
I agree with the previous comments left here by the others and probably agree with Pete’s statement the most.
…don’t just try and fit in for the sake of fitting in.
…you may feel lonely at times but not empty.
i know i have lost many chances with women on many occasions as i am maybe one of the last good guys out there ,my problem is i am too good ,first off i am so scared of going too fast or forward that i tend to go at a crawl or make jokes about stuff too see if they twitch per say,and i know you will laugh but one thing that has me on a downside is before i do or try anything its like i need to hear a ok or basicly get permission to even hug or kiss ,a women friend of mine pointed out too me that some women like there boundrys pushed even a lil ,cause some will think they are not good enough if ur not even trying to get closer,its one of those things i guess u really have to feel the waters too know how too proceed and i need help in proceeding ,as most women can’t figure me out and think i am not interested because of how slow i am and even though i really am ,i guess i am like a deer caught in the headlights ,scared unsure of my self ,and i do admit i set myself up for a fall usually also as self esteem is low i have even told women they were too good for me as i seriously want them happy even if its not with me ,like i always say i make a better friend than a lover and have lots of friends as i help everyone ,and have great patiences and a open ear ,i do more counselling for others than my self ,talk about needing real help for me ,one thing is i would never ever hurt a women ,even if she was stabbing me i would not hit her i will try and run though ha ha thats how nice i am. anyways sorry for my mumbling i hope i kinda said who i am and how i am .is there help still for me ?
I agree 100% with Pete. Fix yourself first and the rest will fall into place. You really have to ask yourself the hard, sometimes painful questions. I will add When you care enough about yourself, you won’t allow these men/woman anywhere near you! You can walk away empowered and with a great friend, you.
I’d suggest your readers pay heed to their own personalities rather than fitting into others.
You should also point out how bad this behaviour is for men themselves. For decades I have criticized myself for not responding to a beautiful young girl’s advances at a bus stop. Why didn’t I respond to her? She was so beautiful that she could have gained absolute power over me and if I didn’t stack up, the rejection would have been devastating. I was terrified, so I walked away. I wonder if she ended up thinking her hips were too big (they were) or she was too tall (she was). None of her flaws mattered to me, it was her attractions that in my eyes were the threat. It wasn’t a game to me, just survival, and yes it was my loss.